Welcome, Skeleton Warrior. These questions are the most frequently asked by Skeleton Warriors and have been collected here for your convenience. Before asking a question, search this F.A.Q. to be sure your question has not already been asked.
Q. Who am I?
You are a skeleton warrior. You are the skeleton of a warrior who died, possibly under heroic or magical circumstances. It could have been a sexual mishap. We don't judge here. Unlike most other skeletons, you can still walk around and scream and attack intruders.
Q. Where am I?
Dungeon level, cave, crypt, possibly in a scary mansion or castle.
Q. Why am I here?
Nobody else wants you around. Skeletons are scary to them and not very much fun. You might have been disliked before you were a skeleton. That's on you.
Q. Is there anyone else here?
Possibly. There could be other enemies. They will not speak to you because of the enemy code of silence. Also, you are a skeleton, widely disliked for being a creepy bone man. Best to just stay away from the others. There also might be an intruder. You can run at intruders and attempt to attack them. It probably won't do you much good, but feel free to try.
Q. What do I do?
You tirelessly patrol searching for intruders to attack with your sword or ax. You impress people with how long you've been guarding. Like, "Hey, I thought this room was guarded by a guy, but it's actually a guy who has been guarding so much he turned into a skeleton." That might not be what actually happened, but there's not need to let the intruders behind the curtain. Another thing you can do is leap out in ambush, possibly from inside a tomb. You scream, you swing your weapons. You break apart into heaps of bones when you are struck with weapons.
Q. Can I leave?
Unfortunately, the entrances and exits can only be used by intruders. The only way out of this job is in a bone pile.
Q. Why would you make it so only the intruders can use the exits?
Hey, I get where you are coming from on this one, skeleton warrior, I really do. But this place is crawling with slimes. Have you worked with slimes before? If you leave any door open they are going to be gone.
Q. Do I feel pain?
Yes. You are constantly in agony. Sorry about that. Imagine if you had flesh, what it would feel like to have that flesh torn off. Now try to imagine how it would feel if all of your flesh was torn off. That's what it feels like to be a skeleton.
Q. Are you a skeleton?
Probably. A really cool one with glowing eyes and a rotted deer head on a skeleton body.
Q. Can I meet you?
We can hook up after all the intruders are dead. Until then, sorry, it is crunch time right now.
Q. Who are the intruders?
They are the worst guys. They have a lot of flesh on their skeletons, they hate skeletons, they make jokes about skeletons, they don't give good jobs to skeletons, they call skeleton warriors chumps.
Q. Could I try talking to the intruders?
No! Don't do that!
Q. Why can't I talk to intruders?
Intruders hate skeletons. They don't see a person. As soon as they see your helmet with one broken horn and a rusty mace in your hand they are going to start stereotyping. Oh, skeleton warriors aren't good at math. Oh, skeleton warriors are lazy and late all the time. Oh, skeleton warriors, they are good at b-ball and dunks.
Q. Am I good at b-ball?
Crazy good, but that is just a coincidence.
Q. Can I play b-ball?
Nobody wants to see your showboating. Especially not the slimes. They appreciate technical b-ball.
Q. What are we protecting exactly?
Depends. Dungeon level it's going to be a bunch of coins, maybe some mysterious scrolls or a key. Crypt it might be an ancient weapon of unholy might. Spooky house it will probably be a puzzle. Mostly puzzles in those places.
Q. Do I get any weapons or equipment?
You have a rusty mace and a broken helmet and we will let you choose from between 9-15 coins, a potion of healing, or a resurrection gem. Do not spend the coins or use the items. These should be carried by you at all times.
Q. When can I see my family again?
They all died many centuries ago. Don't feel bad, they probably moved on from you long before they died.
Q. What happened to them?
It's hard to say, but it probably involves intruders. Better take it out on them.
I was betrayed by the bernio bros, the cougars, and this guy from back page I hired to keep me from jumping out a window at the DNC.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.