Chapter Three - A Ritual and a Rape FestivalOroporo has many powers, but he is also dangerous, as the girls at Ogetaka High will soon realize."There are three ways to cure you of being a dickgirl," explained the disappointingly frumpy nurse Goodingsly.
"I will do anything!" Dariana was eager to escape the spine-deforming weight of her massive breasts.
"The first way is to have sex with another dickgirl. Unfortunately the nearest dickgirl is in Tibet, being guarded by an entire army of Buddhist warrior-monks. The second method is through surgery, a doctor could restore you almost perfectly to a normal human form. This will cost a great deal of money and take several years though."
Dariana could feel tears welling in her glistening and huge dickgirl eyes.
"The third way is much more immediate, but it is not without its dangers," nurse Goodingsly retrieved a time-worn book from a shelf and blew the dust from it. "Within this tome are the methods to demand the Omi Sex God Oroporo grant you a boon. He will be obliged to obey your wishes, but after he has granted his wish he may become angry and return for vengeance."
Dariana considered and finally agreed. The ritual was performed with the shades closed in the nurse's office and several candles lit around the room, not because they were required but because they gave the scene that "occult ritual" feel. Dariana masturbated both her male and female aspect six times into a gem-encrusted ancient chalice that the nurse luckily had sitting around. After the chalice was filled with Dariana's juices the nurse played some heavy metal albums backwards and the air became charged with electricity. A portal to the Magic Kingdom of Florida opened, a swirling vortex of light and mediocre film effects that hypnotized Dariana. A pinprick could be seen as if far off, and as it grew closer Dariana could make out a hideous three-eyed demonic beast. Its pinkish flesh was leathery and at the base of a gaping mouth seethed several long and gooey tentacles.The rape begins!"Who has dared disturb my thousand second slumber?!" bellowed Oroporo.
"It is I, the dickgirl sorceress Dariana," replied Dariana as the ritual instructed.
"You command me to do you a good deed, but in exchange I will wreak havoc upon this school with my many penetrating tentacles."
"That's fine," said Dariana as she continued with the ritual. "Hear me Oroporo. No more do I wish to be a dickgirl. I wish to be a man again! I cast off my luscious breasts and dripping honey pot!"
"So it is written," said Oroporo with a bored tone.
There was a flash of light and Dari found himself returned to a state of non-dickgirlness. His masculinity fully restored, he rejoiced as Oroporo retreated back to the Magic Kingdom of Florida. He ran from the nurses office and towards his third period class, which also happened to be taught by Miss Tokyomama. Dari was so happy that he didn't even notice the locker nearest him exploding open. He was already back in class when Oroporo emerged from the portal in the locker and began to violate the virgin holes of every girl in sight. As long as they were over eighteen of course!
Transgressive author Chuck Palahniuk is here to help with tips and tricks to hacking your life.
Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.