Gee, ya think? Due to the lack of information in the picture, I can't tell if that yarn-haired transsexual kid is either very small or the talking penguin is really big. I'm guessing the penguin is big because he probably used genetic engineering to make himself HUGE (you know, since he claims to know so damn much about the subject). I bet he can also shoot laser beams out of his eyes. I can't imagine why he wouldn't be able to.
After a few paragraphs of text which are merely reproductions of the cartoons that follow them, we start to get to the real "meaty" part of the article, the sections that will start giving nightmares to all children and adults below the age of 200.
Tried and tested — Our home planet is very old. Do you know how old? Well it's four thousand six hundred million years old. That's 4,600,000,000 years!
I appreciate how the talking penguin tried to add an extra touch of gravity to the situation by both writing AND spelling out how old the Earth is. I mean, that stupid neutrally-gendered simpleton next to him probably thinks "four thousand six hundred million years old" means "9 months" or something. Kudos to the penguin for putting it into "hip" terms that the children of today can "groove" to. Luckily Tiki's reign of terror is temporarily paused with the introduction of a new character.
Some worked for hundreds of millions of years like the dinosaurs, but still ended up extinct. You humans have been around for just a few hundred thousand years at the most, and you've only found out how to mess up our planet in the last hundred or so. Did you know penguins have been around for millions of years and haven't messed anything up?
Hey Tiki, you know why penguins haven't "messed anything up" in the millions of years they've been around? Easy: most of them are too fucking stupid to travel more than 20 feet and remember where they originally came from. Penguins (the non-speaking variety) are too dumb to operate even the most simple of USB devices, much less a gene manipulation machine. And what's the hell up with that dinosaur? If this almighty and intelligent dinosaur is smart enough to criticize the technological advancements of mankind, why doesn't he make some kind of anti-pollution device to help us out? I assume he was smart enough to make a time traveling machine so he could teleport to the future, because as far as I know, cavemen weren't able to build nuclear power plants. Heck, I doubt they could even operate one. They would probably hit it with their clubs and urinate on the floor. I also like how when you move your mouse over the image, it says "Dinosaur." This was very helpful information - now if the site could only specify which object in the drawing is the dinosaur, my life would be complete.
What the hell is this? As far as I can tell, some Jewish Rabbi has made his face adapt to generate some kind of fur on his chin and he's warning children that they should do the same. What is this supposed to teach our kids? They can't make puberty approach any faster so I fail to see the point in such a foreboding warning. I guess maybe the Rabbi could be talking about the kosher pickle on his desk which has somehow grew seven legs and two eyeball stalks. That could be viewed as "adapting" although I don't really know how pickles would utilize these legs while floating in a jar of pickle juice at the grocery store. If anything, they would probably freak out the people shopping and cause them not to buy pickles, which would make them drown in the jar. Perhaps the Rabbi should be saying, "Adapt AND die!" because those pickles are probably feeling really damn stupid after spending all their time "adapting" for such completely lame results.
I'm Ray Parker Jr, and it's time I came clean.
It is 2016. I think it is high time that Captain America have a dog man as a boyfriend.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.