Chapter Two - Independence DaysasterAbe Lincoln looks a little odd!"Where is that cad Lincoln," exclaimed George Washington, who had already signed the Constitution.
In fact, everyone had signed the Constitution already, from Thomas Jefferson to John Hancock, they were all waiting on Lincoln, and the audience in the gallery was beginning to grow anxious. Of all those assembled the most anxious was Daring Armstrong, who had just noticed that Doctor Sinisterest had gone missing right after they had the video equipment set up and concealed inside of a dummy. Sinisterest had always rubbed Armstrong the wrong way, and Armstrong was beginning to really suspect that he was up to no good.
"No doubt he had his fill of beer and women last night at the Constitution pre-party," laughed the ever jovial Benjamin Franklin. "He just needs a few leeches to drain out all of the evil spirits in him."
Just as things were about to get rowdy, Lincoln's unmistakable silhouette appeared in the doorway. He moved, a bit stiffly even for him, over to the table and grabbed the quill with a dramatic flair. As the feather sparkled in the gas light, the audience gasped, particularly Helen Attractive who made a startling realization at that moment.
"It's Doctor Sinisterest," she hissed to Daring Armstrong.
Upon closer inspection it was, in fact, Doctor Sinisterest. He was disguised beneath Lincoln's clothing and a fake beard, but he was still recognizable thanks to his menacing mono-brow. With a flourish he signed the Constitution before Daring Armstrong could react!"NOOOOOooooooooooooooo!""Errr," remarked Thomas Jefferson, "Herr Lincoln, you seem to have signed the Constitution as Doctor…eh…what is that…Sinisterest?"
"Yes mortals!" Laughed Doctor Sinisterest pulling off the false beard and throwing it in George Washington's face. "You will discover the real Lincoln unconscious in his bedroom, but it's too late!"
"You monster!" Shouted Daring Armstrong as his violent outburst flung his felt tri-corn hat from his well groomed hair.
"That's right," laughed Doctor Sinisterest even more loudly, "but this monster is a Founding Father, making me heir to the American presidency in our time!"
Daring Armstrong jumped over the gate that separated the audience from the stage where the Constitution was being signed. Doctor Sinisterest suddenly drew his machine pistol and pulled the trigger, spraying bullets into the crowd and causing screams of panic to emerge, also from the crowd. Armstrong ducked behind a table as another burst of fire sprayed into the audience, but when he emerged only the Constitution, the other Founding Fathers, and sorrow were still in the room.
Doctor Sinisterest had escaped, no doubt headed for the Time Pod and from there the present day. Tempted to hurry after him Armstrong instead returned to his companions. Professor Smart was already dead, his brains splattered across the wooden floor like an industrial accident at the Play-Doh Fun Factory. Helen Attractive was mortally wounded, and as Armstrong cradled her in his arms telling her to hang on, she died with a cough and the whispered phrase "save our future".
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Daring Armstrong screamed while looking up at the ceiling.
Can't tell a drinking fountain from a urinal? We've got you covered. Brush up on your drinking fountain enthusiast -- or sipper -- vocabulary and learn to talk and swap sips with the best of them.
2 PM: Steven J. accidentally drops his vintage Trapper Keeper, revealing erotic drawings of the ‘bunny girls’ emoji. The room draws silent. Slowly, member after member opens his/her notebooks and tablets, revealing dozens of pages of bunny girl emoji fanart. The room votes 12-0 never to speak of this again.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.