Chapter Four - Lincoln? I nearly killed 'em!
Out of breath and red in the face, his hair almost disheveled, Daring Armstrong burst into the White House, delivering a round house to the secret service agent guarding the door. The man went out like a light bulb goes out when you hit the switch that controls the circuit the light bulb is attached to.
"Sorry pal," joked Armstrong hilariously as he jogged past and into the private quarters section of the White House.
He had to find the Lincoln Bedroom and stop Sinisterest before he could take Lincoln's place at the signing. Nearing the door he found it slightly ajar so he stepped quietly, avoiding the creaky floorboard he knew about thanks to his year spent in the 18th century. He could hear a familiar voice coming from inside.
"Oh, yes, Lincoln," it sounded like Doctor Sinisterest, "now the future will be mine, and you will no longer be a Founding Father."
There was a muffled sound, no doubt a gagged Lincoln protesting, and then there was a thump as Sinisterest bludgeoned Lincoln over the head with a candlestick. Daring could stand no more and burst into the room with an awesome flying karate kick that shattered a mirror and sent the evil Doctor reeling in shock.
"That's the last president you'll hog tie, scumbag!"
Daring put up his dukes.
"Now put up your dukes and fight like a man," Daring advanced on Sinisterest, the heat of the moment causing him to forget the Doctor's pistol.Sinisterest has a surprise for Daring in the form of a MACHINE PISTOL!"Oh I'll fight like a man alright," laughed Sinisterest as he back away. "A man with a machine pistol!"
He pulled the gun from the inside pocket of Lincoln's coat and fired a burst of bullets that narrowly missed Daring and nearly disheveled his hair. Just then Abraham Lincoln's pet cat walked into the room and Daring grabbed it and threw it right into Doctor Sinisterest's face! The move shocked him and as he struggled with the angry feline he dropped his pistol. Daring did a leg sweep like Liu Kang from Mortal Kombat and Sinisterest fell through a coffee table, totally breaking it. Daring picked up his machine pistol and leveled it at his prone opponent's face.
"Any last words, assbrain?" Asked Daring with a satisfied smirk.
Just then Abraham Lincoln chewed through his gag and managed to spit it out onto the carpet of the Lincoln Bedroom.
"Don't do it young man," croaked Lincoln, "if you do then you'll be no better than him."
Daring thought about the words, weighing them as surely as one must weigh the moral of an after school special.
"You're right Lincoln," said Daring as he lowered the gun. "He's not worth it."
NFL teams may soon be lining up to bid on a man who can destroy defensive lines as thoroughly as he destroyed his own child's balls.
One roommate's art-fueled movement goes terribly wrong.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.