ION Storm Begins Work on "Deus Ex" Sequel, "Deus Goat Secx"
WARNING: Nobody at work should click any of the links in this article. Heck, nobody anywhere should click the links in this article.
Austin, Texas - Warren Spector, the lead design of this year's sleeper hit Deus Ex, recently announced plans for a follow-up sequel that will "take the world you knew as Deus Ex, turn it inside-out, and fill all the empty holes", surprisingly entitled Deus Goat Secx.
"Witchboy [Harvey Smith] and I were doing some brainstorming after the release of Deus Ex, and we started to concentrate on what hardcore gamers really want. We looked at all the other successful games out there, but then realized that we didn't want to release another 'herd mentality' title. We want to break new ground, so to speak, like we did with the original [Deus Ex]. So I told [Harvey] to hunt around and get a feeling for where the hardcore gaming interest is.
Early model for one of the "Receivers"
"Throughout his search, he kept getting a whole bunch of mixed feedback; people want games that use clichéd 'real life' weapons, yet demand something original. People want games that reflect 'real life' scenarios, yet also ask for something fun and new. We couldn't figure out what was popular in gaming, but we did find out what was popular to gamers; Goatse.cx."
Spector claims that in over 93% of gaming messageboards, a link to the immensely popular website Goatse.cx could be found within the latest 100 posts. In high traffic forums, such as the Shugashack and Something Awful, a link could often be found within the latest six posts (on average).
"Everywhere we went, the forums were lit up with excitement, people racing to post links to what appears to be the hottest site on the Internet, Goatse.cx. The first time I encountered the link was when I saw somebody post a URL to an seemingly interesting topic, 'Advanced Node-Based AI Programming Techniques.' However, upon clicking the link, I didn't find myself at an AI research paper at all, I ended up staring at something... something... dear sweet God."
After regaining his composure and wiping away his tears, Spector began speaking about the upcoming sequel.
"In Deus Goat Secx, you will find yourself once again in the shoes of J.C. Denton, thrust into a futuristic world full of international conspiracies. Members of an evil terrorist organization, 'The Givers', have threatened to launch a series of gigantic missiles into the heart of the Grand Canyon. Denton must join up with the anti-terrorism strikeforce, 'The Receivers', and travel across the globe to free the US of their tight, unrelenting grip and pressure. There will be plenty of exciting new scenarios and challenges, from piloting an armed missile through a deep, wide cave, to crawling through tight, cramped, secret air ducts. It will be action like nobody's ever seen before," explained Spector.
"Or ever wanted to see before," muttered Smith while attempting to manipulate some images in Photoshop without looking directly at them.
"Shush, you," demanded Spector, unconsciously adjusting his pants. "Sometimes we, as game designers, have to make certain sacrifices for the benefit of the general gaming public."
Hardcore gamers seemed to be thrilled at a game which combines their favorite style of gameplay with their favorite website. Self professed "rabid gamer" David Montana could barely contain his excitement upon learning the news, and proceeded to crosspost the following message to all his favorite forums and messageboards:
"GUYS!!!! ION Storm is going to FINALLY make a sequel to Deus Ex! I don't know what the name of it is going to be or what its going to be about, but you can read all about it on the Warren Spector interview at CNN.COM! The link is http://www.cnn.com/2000/TECH/computing/11/23/interview.spector/index.html and it's got some great sneak preview screenshots there!!! You gotta see it to believe it, I can't fucking wait!!!"
The owners of Goatse.cx could not be reached for comment.
Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
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