Marduk played SSX with his new friend Juliet for a while and then sent her on her way. She didn't seem to notice that Kent was missing in action. After a peek upstairs to watch Kent complain about pretty much everything, Marduk hurried off to bed. The next morning the maid arrived, cleaning up the tower completely oblivious to the cries for help coming from Kent. Marduk handed her some "walking around money" to keep hush hush about things. In so doing I realized that bribing the maid made her like Marduk better so I dropped about 1200 bucks on her uniformed ass and spent time chatting her up to try and keep things interesting.
Marduk and Titania hit it off.Following work the next day Marduk invited Titania over for a little flirting. For some reason she was all over Marduk like stink on Kent. Following some particularly effective gibberish pickup lines, Marduk and Titania retired to the bedroom for a make out session. Their relationship was too new for her to go all the way, but disappointment soon turned to joy. While Marduk mashed his hideous proboscis against her lips I heard a strange noise and scrolled down to the bathroom. To my glee Kent had at last expired and had the Grim Reaper towering over him with wonderful finality. After the Reaper had departed I collected Kent's ashes and deposited them on the roof for the review of the demonic Bearlybutt chairs. For some reason this transformed his funerary urn into a tombstone. All the better for Marduk's temple!
I realized the effectiveness of my potty trap and installed a door in the death chamber. Future guests would be hard pressed to resist the lure of the high class toilet I had purchased for Marduk. During her next visit Titania headed to the rooftop and became horrified by the charnel offerings within the temple. A quick make out session with Marduk soothed her immediately and they descended to the bedroom to seal the deal, Kent's rotting corpse forgotten under the grim supervision of the Bearlybutts.
Meanwhile, Marduk's romance with the maid was heating up, and when he invited her over she too brought along a guest. Marduk and the maid got down to business while the maid's friend almost immediately fell for my little trap. It wasn't long before he too had a meeting with death and I added another tombstone to the shrine on the roof. At this point I decided to throw a party once Marduk had claimed his third victim; a gala event to celebrate his dark harvest.
It's a fun party for everyone!It was a homely mother Marduk met at one of the community lots who provided the final prize for his collection. The teen might have been her son or just an acquaintance, he died just the same as the others, pleading for the toilet and complaining about the walls that were enclosing him. With Marduk's trifecta completed I headed back into purchase mode to set up an enticing party atmosphere on the barren grounds surrounding Marduk's hateful spire. Buffet tables, wedding cakes, whimsical balloons, a hot tub, a pool, and a mysterious party game were joined by the grisly display of the Bearlybutts and their tombstones. Marduk invited everyone he knew, and it seemed that even more came to the event.
Juliet, all of Marduk's lovers, and a bevy of eager teens arrived in a timely manner to partake in the merriment. Most mourned briefly for the loss of friends or loved ones, but it didn't take long before the guests got into the swing of things. After only minutes Juliet and the other teens had gathered around the party game. Marduk and I seized upon the opportunity to thin the herd; I walled them in with the same observation windows as before. This time the artful Marduk set about painting portraits of their horror and grief while the rest of the party goers milled about seemingly apathetic to the pleas of their former friends. No more than a day later, when Death came calling for all four entrapped teens, Marduk once again rushed downstairs to paint a still life of their final moments. It was his magnum opus, for the time being anyway. One more masterpiece was waiting in the wings.
Keep licking those filthy plates genius!Marduk's otherworldly vigor had infected Titania with the gravest STD of them all; pregnancy. While Marduk carefully monitored the condition of the newly created "party game trap" - capturing two more foolish visitors in the process - Titania waddled around the estate in her underwear, increasingly afflicted with her condition. When she contracted food poisoning from licking plates of rotting food and began vomiting for days all over the tower Marduk ignored her. When she finally went into labor Marduk rushed over to her to watch only to head to the phone and call for a nanny during the actual moment of birth.
I named the child Necrozius, after Marduk's great grandfather. Realizing I had no place to stow this new addition to the Flayer household I added proper baby accoutrements to the upstairs temple. I even added a few Bearlybutts to keep their silent watch over Marduk's new spawn.
Incredibly, little Necrozius bore no mutant mark indicating his parentage. His features were well proportioned and he was friendly and well behaved other than a few incidents when Marduk dumped him on the kitchen floor to try to have sex with the maid. Even with the help of the new nanny Titania continued to deteriorate and, making matters worse, the tower had become haunted by Marduk's many victims. Late one night while feeding wee Necrozius by the refrigerator a specter appeared. In her weakened condition Titania succumbed to the terror. She dropped Necrozius and collapsed on the floor. Death appeared and prepared to take her soul off to the netherworld.
Like hideous father, like monstrous son.Realizing that responsibility would soon be pressing down on his shoulders Marduk sprung from his bed and rushed to beg for Titania's pitiful life. Death listened to Marduk's plea and, perhaps remembering a time when Marduk had once helped Death, he resurrected Titania. She hopped to her feet after a little hand-waving from Death. She wasn't exactly in tip-top shape but she would hold out for a few more days as long as I did my best to keep her away from the rampant ghosts. Owing to his extra-dimensional heritage Marduk seemed unaffected by the phantoms.
The following evening while both Titania and Marduk were in the kitchen and Marduk was actually holding Necrozius for once something exciting happened. Necrozius abruptly matured from an infant to a toddler. In this moment the proud father's dreams were realized as the much lauded DNA system in The Sims 2 reared its hideous head. Necrozius went from generic baby to a monster-faced toddler in the span of a second, making him the greatest creation of Marduk's short life on earth. They were a happy family at last and although Titania was once again teetering on the brink of death Marduk could not have been more pleased with the way things turned out.
Neither could I.
Classic pick up lines for the sleazebag who tends to overthink things.
Transgressive author Chuck Palahniuk is here to help with tips and tricks to hacking your life.
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.