George Washington Bridge Bus Terminal, Manhattan
[The Bus Terminal on the George Washington Bridge was one of the last bastions of Cobra occupational forces in the state of New York. Its defense forces of loyal Vipers and Mindbender Conscripts were led by the infamous Field Marshall Sebastian Bludd. Knowing that he would be prosecuted and probably executed for war crimes, Bludd spurred his men on to defending the bus terminal to the death. The terminal was taken just over nine years ago.
The damage has since been repaired and the bus terminal is, if anything, even busier than it was prior to the Cobra occupation of Manhattan. Travelers of all races, ages and classes come and go in the busy station. Few people drive cars these days and even the taxi drivers charge fees that would make pre-war limousine drivers balk. Such is the cost of doing business in a world without a global energy economy.
I meet 49333-23229 in the men's bathroom. He mops the floors of the bus terminal tirelessly, perhaps in some small way helping to undo the damage Cobra has caused. 49333-23229 is one of a handful of repurposed Battle Android Troopers. These robots were used by Cobra to protect the drop sites of their Mindbender devices. Dozens are still marauding through the countryside and back alleys of America. They are so hated that 49333-23229 is forced to wear a shirt that identifies him as a "Friendly Robot." His programmed personality has been adjusted to make him more acceptable to the public, but he is still operating with the limited communication abilities given him by Cobra.]
Greetings, Interview Viper. You call me 4-9-3-3-3 or call me like Coworker Vipers. Name given is Evil Dildo or also just Dildo, thank you ma'am.
Hooray! Para el español diga el "español"
English is fine.
Muy gusto! You have questions, ask them Senor Interview Viper.
Where were you deployed by Cobra?
Me am deployed to George Washington Bridge Bus Terminal by New Cobra Friends. Old Cobra Friends deploy Evil Dildo to Toledo. Guard machine in canister that make
[Evil Dildo does a perfect, possibly prerecorded, impression of the groaning goose-step march of Mindbender Conscripts on the move.]
from then-not-friend-police. Police friends now.
Tell me about the combat you saw in Toledo.
Ten. Evil Dildo walk in circle around canister and shoot things that get too close. Twenty. Go to Ten. Shoot seven not-friends-but-friends-now. Then Vipers come and tell me to go fight tanks.
You fought GI Joe tanks?
Yes! It was goodfun. Me lift whole tank and throw off bridge. Then friends robots get shotted with cannons and explode. I tear cannons off tank. Then GI Joe leaves. Then me get new job.
Are you exposed to prejudice in your new job?
Me am okay with it. Me have memory shotted people so other people not like me, maybe have same memory as me but of friend being shotted by robot. Understand that sort of thing. One strange thing notice about human. In male bathroom, hole keep appearing in stall divider. Never figure that one out, just put new wood down.
Do you have any regrets about the conflict?
Evil Dildo regrets girl he left behind. She have baby while gone. Never see son. Never go home. It go very sad.
[Evil Dildo pauses and then emits a sound like metal scraping on metal.]
That is just a joke, Interview Viper. Learn joke from Coworker Vipers. Also teach me one about man who have fart come out of part called dick. Joke go: Man put dick in woman and he on first date so he hold fart in. Then fart come out of dick and go into woman but he hold it so long that it too big and her head explode. Just like head explode of GI Joe codename Covergirl when me shoot her with Mark 7 pulse laser rifle. 4-9-9-2-1 would laughed at joke but cannon explode him long time ago.
Elliot said my breakup must have been due to the sweater curse, an unexplained phenomenon where anyone who gives their significant other a hand-knit sweater gets dumped. The only way to break the curse, Elliot said, was to destroy the sweater.
Can't tell a drinking fountain from a urinal? We've got you covered. Brush up on your drinking fountain enthusiast -- or sipper -- vocabulary and learn to talk and swap sips with the best of them.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.