Alcatraz Island, California
[Alcatraz Island was little more than a decaying tourist attraction before the war. In the years following World War C, Alcatraz has become a symbol of justice in a nation where justice was in short supply for a very long time. It is now the home to more than three hundred war criminals. The most terrible offenses were grounds for execution, but those who were only peripherally associated with Cobra are now housed alongside the worst civilian criminals.
The woman I am here to see is not the most famous prisoner on the island, but she was very close to some of the key players throughout the war. She is even rumored to have had a brief affair with Mindbender himself. She takes a seat across from me in the visiting room, behind bullet and laser proof glass. She has gained a good deal of weight and her mysterious vaguely southern accent has been replaced with a ghetto enunciation of expletive-laden prison slang. The pink hair and the faintly shifting color of her skin betray her identity.]
Warden say you wanna parley and you brought me three cartons of cigarettes. I got a shorty with a greased onion back in my cell waitin' to get a ditch dug so watchu want?
Tell me about your affiliation with the Dreadnoks organization.
Shiiiit. This again? Triflin', nigga. I gone all up over this fifty billion times up in depositions.
Alright. First off, don't be ackin' like I sign my ass up for no Dreadnoks at some recruitin' office. Zartan and that crazy motherfucker Zandar my brothers. I was born playin' that game, nigga. You roll on the wheels you got, know what I'm sayin'? So we just a bunch of straight thugs tryin' to get ours and get up. Scrilla, nigga, I know you understand that shit. Money do make the world go round. Knock over a grocery, maybe put a rubber mask up on a face and run amok in a bank. We ain't about this conquestin' shit.
Tell me about how you became involved with Cobra.
That's like some Genesis Adam and Eve ancient shit. I tell you how we broke the fuck up with Cobra and then got our ass mixed back up in they stupid nonsense.
'Bout two year before the big war started up Cobra Commander is all like "Dreadnoks bring your game up on this shit with these cows." Zartan and all of us exasperatin' and shit with Cobra, but C-Dub tell us he give us all the guns we ever need and millions cash money if we do this shit. It come down to strapping bombs to cows. So we rollin' around in them FANG ghetto birds findin' cows and puttin' bombs up in they asses and of course GI Joe ruin everything.
That point is when Zartan is like "hell naw niggas we never gettin' twisted up in this Cobra nonsense again." He had this big meeting and tell all the Dreadnoks the only way we workin' with C-Dub or that nigga with a face look like a rim is if Extensive Enterprises pass the note. Zartan say those Crimson Twin niggas is straight Wall Street with their portfolios and mutual funds and whatnot. He says that's the class nigga we wanna be associatin' with.
Then you know a nigga get a page from Tomax like two year later acksin' us to help out. Say C-Dub gotta new plan about to drop and he need us enrollin' and shit.
When did you actually begin to work with Cobra on their plans?
Shit, we actually hang back and wait out in the swamp, figurin' ain't not minds to be bendin' unless you get a uniform on an alligator. Then we see things be goin' good, you know, creepin' cautious. We hear from Xamot that Cobra be running into issues up in Chicago and that was my old turf.
I tell them niggas straight, you got the funds we got the guns, and before you know it I'm in charge of like a billion of them crazy ass zombie niggas who shoot at a mountain and be hittin' sky. Terrible nasty shit. Little kids and old ladies and whatnot all marchin' around and droppin' dead in the hot sun, but you get a billion and when you get to start mixin' it up with GI Joe you still got 999 million left.
It don't take no genius to win them fights. I got some Dreadnoks runnin' around strategerizing and shit, maybe creep on some GI Joe radio truck and blow it up or what have you, but it don't make no big difference. Just take them thousand tanks, shoot at GI Joe until all your tanks done blown up, then run all over they ass with your soldiers.
What did Zartan and Zandar do during this time period?
Psh, Zandar probably be doin' zombie bitches with their stank ass go in they shorts ways and all. Nigga was crazy. I think he done got hisself killed up 'round Denver. That was when GI Joe started using them nerve gas shit to cover they asses while they run for cover. Zartan, don't know, but I 'spect he died down in Texas. Ain't no GI Joe there but there crazy shit goin' on. Them wetback gangs teamin' up with them' crazy white boy militia groups, stabbin' out they eardrums with screwdrivers. That was like some commando shit. I think they had to send Mr. White in after that shit. Hee-ya!
[She does a karate chop.]
Maybe he killed Zartan. Them two niggas never got along anyway. I don't really care no more, I got a long life ahead of me of bustin' up some sweet girls in this hole. Your cigarettes buy me quite a harem and I do thank you kindly. Fosho.
Dissatisfied Star Wars fans have taken the women out of the Last Jedi with a new fan edit. They won't stop there.
The fifth phase of the week is upon us. Shops close, bars open, and we are free from the Bosses once more. But They Who Were Before Time await our tribute...
We'd like to thank Mr. Elba for taking the time to make this possible.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.