There's so many awful things on this webpage that I can't even begin to list them all without burning out my keyboard, so I'll just jump straight into the BattlePets review. Let me copy a few choice clips from the official "Buy BattlePets or My Wife Will Leave Me" page:
BattlePets is a PC game much like Pokemon, where you explore dark caves and haunted castles, battling wild BattlePets and training your own!
Great artwork by Marion Robertson
First off, BattlePets is exactly like Pokemon, with one glaring difference - it's fucking terrible. I've enjoyed almost all Pokemon games (except the one where you attempt to get lewd photos of Pikachu playing with himself), and I can honestly say that BattlePets ain't no Pokemon. Hell, it's not even a second-rate clone of Pokemon; it's more like a 5,823rd-rate clone. As for the "great artwork" claim, let me easily debunk that claim by offering the following graphical proof:
Now, I'm no graphic artist, but "great artwork" doesn't really spring to mind when seeing this. The phrase "crippled child with Down's Syndrome and three fingers attempting to use Microsoft Paintbrush for the first time" pops in my head, but maybe that's just my bitter skepticism cutting through.
The point of BattlePets is to basically do the same thing you did in Pokemon; catch little monsters that spend all day aggressively fighting each other in the woods. However, unlike Pokemon, the creatures in this game are horrible, horrible little sexual deviants who would be about as easy to mass market as yarmulkas with a picture of Hitler's face embroidered on the top. The bastard freakshow monsters in BattlePets are simply the most stupid, inane, idiotic creations to ever escape from a mentally disturbed sociopath's PC. Don't believe me? Well let me treat you to a little slideshow of pain, my friend:
Yes. It's that bad. BattlePets proudly features deadly attacking sperm, mutant grey rabbits that sit on pin cushions, fighting condoms, floating Jolly Ranchers, and Oriental attack kites. Nintendo foolishly opted to go with fictional creatures that look cute, cuddly, and easily advertisable, but not Aggressive Game Design! Oh no, they chose to display only the most vile and horrific of creatures in their star-studded tribute to dementia, BattlePets.
When starting the game for the first time, I recommend using your left hand to hold the gun and pull the trigger, while using your right hand to hold up a metal plate on the opposite side of your head, ensuring that once the bullet passes through your skull, it will hit the plate and reflect back into your brain matter. If, for some inexplicable reason, you're not interested in suicide, you'll realize that the only character you start off with is a pink, gay snowman named "Mookie_" (note the bonus underscore character), who the game informs you is a "Fleem-type BattlePet." Mookie_ has all kinds of incredible stats and abilities, but the most important one doesn't seem to be listed; Mookie_ possesses the uncanny ability to attack and miss a stunning 109% of the time! Nothing really says "excitement" quite like watching your attack fly right past a motionless enemy, who then proceeds to pound the snot out of you and make Mookie_ "faint". Yes, the creators of BattlePets have their finger on the trachea of excitement for sure!
There is a witch hunt going on right now and I promise you that you will not find any witches in the pleasure room in my congressional office.
To celebrate this week's announcement of Mega Man 11 - the first Mega Man game since Mega Man 6 on the NES - let's remember all the terrific bosses we've faced in this beloved series!
For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
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