With a name like this, one might actually think that the goal is to "approach and stop the the edge of the ramp." Well it's not, YOU STUPID FOOL!
Shake it, baby.
Evel Knievel 3D Stunt Game takes place in four different stunt tracks ranging from a dirt field to a football stadium. These four stunt tracks, while being very basic and ugly, also have the added bonus of looking like they were made in less than six minutes by somebody using the Build Engine. Surround scenery can be classified into one of two categories: "blocks" and "semi-blocks". Things like buildings and various boxes fall into the "block" category while objects like cactuses and colon-shaped boulders are classified as "semi-blocks". The key element to every racetrack in Evel Knievel 3D Stunt Game seems to be "traveling in a straight line". Yes, each track is simply one long straight pathway. There's not a single curve or turn anywhere in the game except when you're forced to weave out of the way of incoming rocks or other shit some dumbass threw in the middle of the track for no reason. I guess Valu-Soft thinks that gamers can't handle the infinitely confusing concept of turning left. To unlock the following track, you must first beat 10 events in the current track, at which point you'll move on and compete in essentially the same 10 events in a vaguely different location. It's all very exciting and at more than one point in time I found myself exclaiming, "this game is better than Jesus Christ Himself!" to nobody in particular.
As previously touched on, this game is broken up into five different competitions, none of which would be distinguishable from the previous if they didn't have a gigantic splash screen informing you that the game is progressing to the next event. Not a single challenge is even remotely fun or amusing, unless you derive pleasure from seeing your character hitting a boulder and flying into the dirt, limbs sprawling and bending at unnatural angles. Second only to the time I smashed my head against the table and started seeing pink blobs float around my apartment, this was the absolute best part of the game. The "jumping round" consists of hitting a certain speed and then driving up a ramp. Each ramp varies in the length it takes to get from point A to point B, so you have to merely GUESS what speed you should be going to traverse it. Yes, that's all you have to do, simply pick a number and travel at that speed, hoping you'll make the jump. If you don't get across, pick a higher number. If you go too far, pick a lower number. Does this sound like fun to you? Me neither. To top it off, you'll have to jump at least four different ramps each level, with every jump being a different length than the previous. An easy way to beat this is to simply remember what speed you jumped the previous ramp in, then go across the next ramp at four miles per hour faster. Perhaps this was originally supposed to be a counting game for handicapped children or something.
Next up is the wheely / standing competitions. These two events, while having different names, are exactly the same thing, only Mr. Evel Knievel is in a slightly different position on his little bike. The whole goal is to get from the start to the finish without running into the myriad of inane objects some shithead has scattered throughout the track. While this sounds like it could indeed be an exciting and somewhat fun event, it is unfortunately ruined by the fact that most tracks are roughly twice the width of your character, making it completely impossible to see if any objects are coming in your direction. In a way it's just like the ramp jumping event, where you are forced to guess if you're going to make it. I'm not exactly who would find this to be fun, but I can assure you this: they're not human.
Welcome to the Turd Stadium, please drive down Peppermint Boulevard.
Haha, feel the pain, sucker!!!
Last (and certainly least) we have the "approach round". Now you can me crazy, but when I saw the instructions for this competition as being "approach and stop at edge of ramp", I assumed the purpose was to approach and stop at the edge of the ramp. Turns out I was wrong - the entire point is exactly like the "jumping round", where you have to fly across a ramp and end up on the other side. Make sense? Do you understand? You are NOT supposed to stop at the edge of the ramp and you're expected to jump to the ramp on the OTHER side! It's IDENTICAL to the jumping round only it has a different name and instructions which contradict the entire purpose of the event! Perhaps it was some kind of sick joke by the people at Valu-Soft, who took time out of their busy schedule of buying more heroin to write such a counterproductive description.
This is the crown jewel of my erotic lamp collection, and a must-have for any serious pleasure lamp collector.
The treacherous New England Patriots are guilty of deflating their footballs. We must punish them severely in the name of holy retribution. This transgression has been the biggest headline in the United States for an entire week, and it should be the primary concern of all nations.
This ain't your daddy's globe...! .... or is it?!
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