Going by the title of today's article, you'd probably assume that what follows is a cheap swipe at an immensely popular and important band. This is absolutely not the case. I love the Beatles. "A Day In The Life" and "Eleanor Rigby" are probably two of the best songs of all time, and it's insane that the band was able to deftly explore so much musical ground in such a relatively short amount of time.

Having said that, I was more than a little surprised when I used science - infallible, unbiased, numbers-and-beakers-and-everything science - to break down the band's characteristics and determine whether the Beatles were the best at the traits that defined them.

Combined Weight

The BeatlesChumbawamba
Four members, approximately 650 pounds total.
Eleven members at peak "I Get Knocked Down"-edness, approximately 1,920 pounds total.

Advantage: Chumbawamba

Songs Featuring Weapons

The BeatlesTed Nugent
"Happiness Is A Warm Gun," "Rocky Raccoon." Please don't yell at me for the picture, I know that Revolver is actually about a record spinning.
"Dog Eat Dog," "Writing On The Wall," "Turn It Up," "Street Rats," plus whatever pops up on the twelve albums following the debut those came from.

Advantage: Ted Nugent

Prolific Output

The BeatlesNow That's What I Call Music!
Twelve albums released between 1963 and 1970, plus the Magical Mystery Tour double EP.
Thirty six albums released between 1998 and 2010, plus four Now That's What I Call Christmas! albums, Now That's What I Call The USA: The Patriotic Country Collection and Now That's What I Call Faith!

Advantage: Now That's What I Call Music!

Dedication To A Gimmick

The BeatlesGWAR
Wore funny outfits for the Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, ditched them after a year for the White Album.
Have pretty much been the same GWAR in all public appearances from 1984 to present, barring slight variations in vagina monsters and dildo armor.

Advantage: GWAR

Sales

The BeatlesiTunes
1.3 billion units sold.
11.7+ billion units sold.

Advantage: iTunes

Film Appearances

The BeatlesScarlett Johansson
Five films, including A Hard Day's Night, Help!, Yellow Submarine and Let It Be.
More than thirty films, including Home Alone 3, My Brother The Pig and The Perfect Score.

Advantage: Scarlett Johansson

Swedish Band Members

The BeatlesAce Of Base
Zero.
Four. Note that Ace Of Base also wins out in categories such as "Signs Seen", "Female Members Ditched And Replaced With Younger Girls" and "Years Active."

Advantage: Ace Of Base

Dues Paid

The BeatlesWeezer
Spent several years and a handful of albums becoming a household name with light, relatively shallow pop music, then used their position to write more genuine, interesting songs.Spent several years and two albums becoming a household name with genuine, interesting songs, then used their position to create light, relatively shallow pop music for more than a decade.

Advantage: Weezer

Rooftop Performances

The BeatlesBackyard Wrestling
An unannounced rooftop concert that would prove to be their last performance and comprise Let It Be.
Thousands upon thousands of scrawny or flabby (no in-between) teenagers lighting themselves on fire then flinging themselves from suburban rooftops toward the general direction of too-solid folding tables.

Advantage: Backyard Wrestling

Video Game Appearances

The Beatles50 Cent
The Beatles: Rock Band
50 Cent: Bulletproof, 50 Cent: Blood On The Sand, Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare 2

Advantage: 50 Cent

Unfortunately, I've just empirically proven that the Beatles are, by any measure, a terrible band. I know what you're thinking, but given that human experience is subjective, it was impossible to scientifically measure the quality of the band's music. What we're left with is devastating, but undeniable.

I hope that Paul and Ringo don't take the news too hard. They have nothing to be ashamed of. Fifty or so years was a good run, even if it all turned out to be a lie.

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell

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