Rev Theory and WrestleMania: A match made in Hell. (Yeah!)
That "need for speed" reference made Rev Theory a pole-position qualifier for inclusion in the video game NASCAR '09, completing the band's idiot-baiting trifecta. NASCAR? I reckon so. Radio-ready wuss metal? Hell yeah! Professional wrestling obsession? "Hell Yeah" was the official theme song for WWE One Night Stand 2008. Also, previously released jock-strap anthem "Light It Up" figured prominently during WWE pay-per-view happenings such as Wrestlemania XXIV, and the group wrote the overwrought ballad "Voices" (hates to love/and loves to hate) specifically for wrestler Randy Orton.
I'm grateful that I had to research those Rev Theory/WWE connections, because the relative inaccessibility of the information provides evidence that these unpalatable entities have segregated themselves from fans of real music/sports. You can't just flip channels and conjure some greasy, steroidal freak preening to Rev Theory's lovingly composed shit-rock serenade. You have to pay for this dubious privilege. Similarly, I hope Xbox Live's Video Store allows every fledgling Saliva to unload its latest soul-deadening creations without affecting people who access music through traditional means.
"Hell Yeah" serves as a checklist for future quarantine prospects. Henceforth, videos should be relegated to Xbox Live if:
1) They feature one or more WWE "personalities."
2) They depict a group performing live while surrounded by grounded airplanes, as if they're fucking Slaughter in "Fly to the Angels."
3) They contain a car chase that doubles as a trashy-couple mating ritual, with sexual subtext dragging behind the vehicles like leaden parachutes.
4) Some tangential character in a service-industry job (in this case, a jilted diner waiter) throws his apron/uniform to the ground in slapstick dismay.
5) A hick cop gets surprised and spills his coffee.
6) They end with a "to be continued" cliffhanger that leaves viewers hoping that sweet death arrives before the sequel.
We get it, dude.
It's impossible to fathom a sane person purchasing "Hell Yeah," or seizing the Xbox Live option to use graphics from Rev Theory's Light It Up album artwork (shocker: The cover contains a scantily clad woman) to decorate his or her personal affects. Perhaps Interscope's big-name acts refused to be identified with the doomed launch of a pay-per-video marketplace, and the label spun "low-rung act forcibly associated with dumb idea, subsequent stench of failure" into "up-and-coming band introduced in futuristic setting!"
Regardless, it's reassuring that Rev Theory isn't popular enough to launch a mass movement. There could be no more certain harbinger of a merciless apocalypse than the sound of 12 million Xbox Live members bellowing "Hell Yeah" in unison through their headset mics, punctuating each 'hell' and 'yeah' with pumping fists. Instead, a few isolated genetic defects will wrap their feeble minds around this moronic rallying cry, high-five the empty air, and collapse, exhausted, before they can do any real harm.
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
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Doing some reps on the water bottle huh. I prefer bench press myself. Just kidding - stay hydrated.
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