Thoom posted:

Being described to a tee by 8 chicks and a dude over the course of the thread was a nice little ego boost, so this description will be a little pickier than I can afford to be in reality. Marked in bold are things that in my experience are depressingly rare.

Absolute Musts:
- Must be psychologically and physically healthy (not necessarily 100% superwoman, but no obvious defects like depression, bipolar, borderline, or missing/nonfunctional limbs). Must not be a twig or a human blimp; reasonable hygiene is also a must.
- Must not be willfully ignorant; must love to learn.
- Must be very honest, faithful, and not passive-aggressive (mind games are fun, but only with mutual consent)
- Nonsmoker
Important Stuff:
- Willing to tolerate my nerdy hobbies, blunt honesty, and occasional ribbing. If I get to tolerate hers, all the better.
- Willing to laugh at offensive jokes, willing to be silly about deadly serious topics and be deadly serious about silly topics, but able to snap back to reality when necessary.
- Intelligent. A little less intelligent than me is ok, equal is awesome, more intelligent is great too, as long as she isn't pedantic or haughty about it. A good benchmark would be someone who can read xkcd and get almost all the jokes.
- Competetive, but a gracious winner and an amiable loser. She should enjoy a nice heated debate about philosophy or politics or nerd holy wars (emacs vs vi, star wars vs trek, etc.), but be willing to let the debate be over when it's over, and not hold a grudge about it.
It Would be Nice if...
- Optimistic, likes to think about the future.
- Enjoys anime, but must not be obsessed with it (cosplay and conventions are creepy)
- Well-read is a major plus
- UNIX skills are a huge turn on
- Gamer. Ideally someone who could compete with me on even terms, but being a passably competent co-op partner or simply enjoying watching would be amazing too.
An absolutely perfect woman would embody all of the above qualities, as well as being the sort of person who is so unfailingly nice and fun and helpful that everyone who knows her looks up to her (I've met a few of these, but they were all 10-15 years older than me and married).

If I'm allowed to go beyond perfect and wish for the kind of woman that I absolutely do not deserve, she would be smoking hot (5'1"-6'2", slim but not bony, with long straight hair and B or C cups), and have a high paying job so I can take care of the cooking/cleaning/house chores and possible eventual kid(s) while following my dreams as an independent hacker/game developer.
AlmightyTim posted:
I found that the best way to meet new people is to have a good hat. Not a baseball cap, but an honest-to-god hat. Make it an interesting one, and people will line up to meet you.

I bought a lime-green fedora the summer before my senior year and wore it everywhere. It came to the point where I couldn't step out for a smoke without people just walking up and talking to me about just about anything. If I broke out my pipe for a smoke, the numbers would double. Seriously, whatever you can do to make yourself interesting (or at least look interesting, but it really helps if you have something to say), will be a good thing to have.
More The Great Goon Database

This Week on Something Awful...

About This Column

The Something Awful Forums are, by far, the greatest and most entertaining community on the internet. From the Comedy Goldmine to Photoshop Phriday, our forums are pretty much the lone island refusing to be engulfed by the sea of stupidity that is the internet. While sections like the Comedy Goldmine and Photoshop Phriday showcase the intentionally hilarious forum creations, we've failed to reveal the coin's flip side. The Great Goon Database is a depository of unintentionally amusing Something Awful Forum quotes demonstrating the darker side of SA. Special thanks to Goon "LittleJoe" for collecting and sorting these gems.

Previous Articles

Suggested Articles

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.