A loose female acquaintance of mine calls me at 1:00am today and asks me if I could print something on the computer for her and bring it over in the afternoon. "Hey yeah sure sure, whatever you need I'll help you, I'm all yours," I tell her. She sends me this file and lo and behold I can't open it. It's made in Microsoft Publisher and I don't have that program so I begin panicing, trying to find this program or a way to print the file. Scouring the internet yields no results and I do my usual pacing in my room.
I finally come up with an idea and I tell the girl, if I can proceed with it. The plan was I would carry my printer about 2miles to her house, print out the needed pages, maybe talk to her a bit while I was there. I was hoping for at least a hug out of this ordeal.
By the time I get there, I'm wet all over from sweating in the +90 degree heat outside and carrying a heavy motherfucking HP Deskjet printer. The first thing I see upon entering her room (my first time in a girl's bedroom) are some panties on her bed.
After the initial shock of seeing such a horrific sight for the first time, I setup the printer and get my job done. However, I did consider sniffing the lingere when she left the room once, but with the wuss that I am, I just ended up staring at them the whole while. That was a sarcastic joke for those of you too stupid to realize that
To make a long story short, just as I was finishing up with the printing job (which was hefty), her boyfriend and his gay friend walk in, say hello, and begin hanging out in the room as they waited for the girl to finish this work so they could go to the mall.
This effectively ruins my chances of getting a hug and I walk another 2 miles home with the motherfucking printer in hand. The only thing that I got out of this were some very painful fingers and a "thanks" as I walked out her bedroom door.
So, am I pathetic for doing all these things? It wouldn't be the first time I've pledged my heart and soul to a girl and gotten back almost nothing in return. I would hate turning her or anyone else I knew down or making up some lie.
You've already had intercourse with the girl. The ideal setting for the power of the door, which is a power and control pattern, is right after you've had intercourse and you're in bed with the girl, and at this time hopefully you've set up the fact that you're also the man of her dreams and fulfil her emotional needs. You're fooling around in bed, you've already had a great time, and you go, "sweetheart, what's that over there?" and you point towards the door. And she'll say, "well you know, that's a door, silly." And you say, "yeah, you know.. I'm a real positive person, but.. I mean, can you imagine.. I mean, you don't know what can happen from day to day, when you think about it in your mind. I mean, what would happen if I walked out that door and the door closed and as the door closed, it slammed shut, and no matter what you did, you could not open the door and you knew that you would never be able to look into my eyes again and you'd never be able to hear my voice again and you'd never be able to feel my touch again."
Ok, right here is where she starts going, "I don't like this door business at all." And at this time you just reassure her.. "ok, alright sweetheart, you're right. You really shouldn't think about the door and you really don't have to think about the door." So you go back to playing around with her some more. Have some more fun with her, bring her to another orgasm or whatever and say, "you know, a terrible thing happened the other day. My friend was hit by a truck. I mean, it was awful, by the time they got him to hospital he was dead. I can't believe it, you know? It's almost as if, it would be a horrible thing you know when you think about.." (point towards the door) "..that no matter even if you were to get that door opened and you were to search, that you could never find me again.." Then she starts freaking out. You calibrate more on that part of, "you will never be able to see me again, you'll never be able to hear my voice again."
"You'll never be able.. all that fun we had together, all those great times we had together, walking along the beach, hand in hand in the moonlight, we would never be able to do those things again and even if you were to open that door, you would search and you could never find." And she's at the point where she's saying, "no no I hate this door. Let's stop this door now, are you trying to upset me?" And you say, "oh, I'm sorry sweetheart, I'm just saying these are just things that are popping into my mind, ok?" So play around some more. Get her good and nice and hot again, fool around, have a good time with her, joke, and then then get back into the door and say, "you know, God, still you know, about life's tragedies.. I mean, I just keep on thinking how.." At this point you can already see that this is starting to make her feel uncomfortable. You want to create that sense in her that you can walk out and she'll feel terrible for the rest of here life. You want to anchor that response. I'll get up and she'll say, "well what are you doing?" And I'll say, "I'm going to the bathroom." I go up to the bedroom door and slam it. That right there will freak her out. Then I'll open the door and say, "oh, I'm sorry. You know, I'm sorry, I'm just playing with this door again. You know, you really shouldn't think about this door now and you really don't want to think about this door now."
Having anchored that sense of loss and pain to the door, you can trigger it whenever needed. Whatever negative behavior may come up that you want to stop, the first time you just get up and slam the door. Whether you walk out the door depends on the level of bullshit. On later occasions you can just indicate tbe door in some manner. The example Alex gives: If he's talking on the phone and getting any crap from her, and he knows the relation of where the door is to her desk, he says, "sweetheart, could you please turn right and take a look at what's over there.." and that was the end of the bullshit."
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to eliminate the plague that is humanity.)
Even the most fervent gun control advocate would admit that guns kill people, not other guns. We must become the guns we wish to see in the world.
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
The Something Awful Forums are, by far, the greatest and most entertaining community on the internet. From the Comedy Goldmine to Photoshop Phriday, our forums are pretty much the lone island refusing to be engulfed by the sea of stupidity that is the internet. While sections like the Comedy Goldmine and Photoshop Phriday showcase the intentionally hilarious forum creations, we've failed to reveal the coin's flip side. The Great Goon Database is a depository of unintentionally amusing Something Awful Forum quotes demonstrating the darker side of SA. Special thanks to Goon "LittleJoe" for collecting and sorting these gems.