Y'know it's sort hilarious, but in my experience I've had many, many women suggest their interest in me (and some in very unsubtle ways) and yet each and every time I've failed to respond to them. This was when I also looked and smelled like a hobo, and hid from everybody under a hood.
Then last year, I started doing the whole Game thing. I didn't really go into it with the intent to bang a girl, but rather to learn how to socialize better in general. Ended up memorizing quite a few routines and stuff, but never did pull off a genuine number grab. Eventually went on a date with a (too young) girl and made out with her, and doing that for the first time when I was 24 was interesting. Not really as good as I expected it though.
Since then, I have improved my posture, gained muscle and started wearing decent clothing and cologne. But It's almost as if being around women and really talking with them for the first time really made me not want to be with them. I can't stand the fakeness of it all, and the whole 'pussy hunt' thing just sickens me. I've found some solace in my celibacy, and plan on being a lifelong virgin. It's sort of difficult at times, but I'd rather have that over the STD scares or pregnancies, and at 25 it's not like I have a whole lot of time left to do the scene stuff anyway.
There's nothing wrong with being celibate, kids!
Alright then: I want to orgasm. My hand can do this for me, and has been for some time, quite satisfactorily. I've never experienced foreplay or petting etc so why would I want that, when I don't know what it's like, but I do know that an orgasm can make those sorts of desires disappear, if only temporarily?
Me: "I think we should break up."Her: "WHAT?"
Queue 3 hours of screaming at me causing other people to close the windows of their houses and apartments. Followed by threatening to damage my car and kill me or my family or herself, as if the break up came from out of absolutely nowhere.
Later I found out she had been cheating on me!
Then she slept with almost every one of my friends and continued to frighten me!
Then I left the city.I haven't been the same since because I'm a depressing motherfucker who couldn't get laid if my life depended on it, I hate women and also I find men to be really gross so I am now doomed to a life of loneliness.
Someone pay for my therapy!
I had a girl that would sometimes come and stay the night at my apartment. She was a little on the plus side and I really didn't care about her but sometimes when you get hard up/drunk you take what you can get. One night after a long night of drinking I called her up and asked her to come see me. We fooled around a little bit and then she went to sleep in my bed while I passed out beside her. The next morning I woke up feeling a little itchy and wet. Yeap, I pissed my pants in my sleep, completely soaking her back. So she wakes up and asks me what the hell happened. I told her I must have been sweating out the alcohol, immediately getting up and heading to the shower leaving her to lay there in a pool of my piss. She must have believed me cause she stayed around for about an hour before leaving. I had to just sit there too ashamed to say anything to her about it while this poor girl walked around pissed stained. I feel bad about it to this day.
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to enslave humanity.)
Even the most fervent gun control advocate would admit that guns kill people, not other guns. We must become the guns we wish to see in the world.
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
The Something Awful Forums are, by far, the greatest and most entertaining community on the internet. From the Comedy Goldmine to Photoshop Phriday, our forums are pretty much the lone island refusing to be engulfed by the sea of stupidity that is the internet. While sections like the Comedy Goldmine and Photoshop Phriday showcase the intentionally hilarious forum creations, we've failed to reveal the coin's flip side. The Great Goon Database is a depository of unintentionally amusing Something Awful Forum quotes demonstrating the darker side of SA. Special thanks to Goon "LittleJoe" for collecting and sorting these gems.