A loose female acquaintance of mine calls me at 1:00am today and asks me if I could print something on the computer for her and bring it over in the afternoon. "Hey yeah sure sure, whatever you need I'll help you, I'm all yours," I tell her. She sends me this file and lo and behold I can't open it. It's made in Microsoft Publisher and I don't have that program so I begin panicing, trying to find this program or a way to print the file. Scouring the internet yields no results and I do my usual pacing in my room.
I finally come up with an idea and I tell the girl, if I can proceed with it. The plan was I would carry my printer about 2miles to her house, print out the needed pages, maybe talk to her a bit while I was there. I was hoping for at least a hug out of this ordeal.
By the time I get there, I'm wet all over from sweating in the +90 degree heat outside and carrying a heavy motherfucking HP Deskjet printer. The first thing I see upon entering her room (my first time in a girl's bedroom) are some panties on her bed. ... so I take her aside and try to explain I'm not crazy, just feeling like doing something wild and she was cute enough to inspire it. Turns out she was flattered by the sentiment (she says), but was dating someone else...just another thing I neglected to take into account when setting this up. Heh...not really that stinging, but still a let-down after all that.
In high school, I had been single for about 6 months and was at the time getting jerked around by some goth chick in Spanish class. Because I had gotten so fed up with my usual method of subtlety and charm (which usually worked!), I decided to really go out on a limb.
The opposite type of girl, real preppy and blonde, sat across from me. We didn't talk much, but from what little I knew about her she seemed sweet, and it helped that she tended to dress light for the weather, and for her curves as well. So...I decided to go for it.
I called up a florist and ordered flowers to her house, with a note that said "meet me in the upper U-Hall at such and such time on such and such day". The day arrived, and I very slyly began to walk back and forth across the length of the hall, from one staircase to another, pretending to just be walking along until I spotted her and could then sneak up on her for the big suprise ask-out(since the hall was "U"-shaped).
Then - there she was...and she had brought a friend along. I hadn't given the fact that getting anonymous flowers delivered to your house with a note to meet in a private place might be a warning sign to attractive young women. So, they take up position in the hall and I walk by without making eye contact, trembling at what I had planned to do.
I had planned to sing a brief section of "You Are So Beautiful", because hey; anything worth doing is worth doing to the absolute fucking limit of potential embarrasment, right? Was I going to do it with both of them there? In keeping with the above statement of belief, I did.
So I sing, and I approach, and they're both a little so I take her aside and try to explain I'm not crazy, just feeling like doing something wild and she was cute enough to inspire it. Turns out she was flattered by the sentiment (she says), but was dating someone else...just another thing I neglected to take into account when setting this up. Heh...not really that stinging, but still a let-down after all that.
It was one of the first 20 times I had sex with my first ex, I thought it would be sexy to say "yeah, I bet you want me to rape you, girl!" Turns out she's a rape victim.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
The Something Awful Forums are, by far, the greatest and most entertaining community on the internet. From the Comedy Goldmine to Photoshop Phriday, our forums are pretty much the lone island refusing to be engulfed by the sea of stupidity that is the internet. While sections like the Comedy Goldmine and Photoshop Phriday showcase the intentionally hilarious forum creations, we've failed to reveal the coin's flip side. The Great Goon Database is a depository of unintentionally amusing Something Awful Forum quotes demonstrating the darker side of SA. Special thanks to Goon "LittleJoe" for collecting and sorting these gems.