Sputty posted:

As a slightly overweight, asexual goon I feel this exactly. I'm more happy by myself playing videogames, feeding my plants and playing with my kittens than I am talking to people, girls especially. I keep getting bothered by my bullshit Stepdad and he won't accept that I'm not into girls and he keeps on going on about how I'm gay and stuff. What an a**hole! Then I have to deal with the stupid jock retards at school making fun of me and I just don't get it. What's so great about people? I'm 16 by the way.
Jirolico posted:
One afternoon I was walking back from an Oxxo in Cuernavaca, Mexico during a massive rainstorm when I came across a passed out elderly man in the middle of the sidewalk. He wore business clothes and looked to be an average person from my initial glance. As I arrived nearer to his location, I noticed he had copious amounts of puke all over his shirt and blood all across his face from a severe laceration across his forehead, easily three inches long.

Everyone in the sidewalk ignored him and walked around him. I felt bad for him and asked if he was okay. I got absolutely no response. Keep in mind this is all during a very heavy rainstorm. The water is several centimeters deep on the sidewalk and slowly creeping up to the level of his face. I feared that the man could drown.

Now either this guy fell and lashed his head open, puked from shock, and passed out from blood loss/shock or got piss drunk, puked, and hit his head while blacking out.

The weirdest thing is that the man looked middle-class, not one to be passing out on a sidewalk. Also bizarre was the fact it was 2 P.M and that every pedestrian ignored him.

I ended up leaving the man because I needed to get back home for dry shelter. I wonder what happened to him.
thepiratedino posted:
We're having a Zombie Bar Crawl in DC this Saturday. Email me at [email protected] if you want in and I'll add you to the evite...

Some initial details: The Zombie Bar Crawl (ZBC) is just days away - This Saturday, September 22nd. So, get ready to get undead with us. Some of you are still not quite sure what ZBC is... Well, here it is explained in 3 easy steps:

1. Gather a large group of people together in one location (location to be announced soon)
2. Everyone dress up like zombies
3. Descend on DC - going from bar to bar freaking people out - and of course - drinking zombies.

We've got a route planned out and will be providing details on the meeting spot soon. We've also got a good amount of makeup and such.. So, really all you need is to show up at the meeting place on Saturday night. Wear some clothes that are either torn up/dirty - or clothes that you don't mind having torn up and covered in (fake) blood.

For inspiration go to Google Images and search for "Zombie". There's a lotta good zombie creations out there.. Theme zombies are good too - zombie Elvis, zombie Bush/Cheney/Rice, zombie Willie Nelson, zombie SC Miss Teen USA, any of the Thriller video cast members, zombie bride/groom, zombie bike messenger, disco zombie stu, zombie nurse, zombie cowboy, zombie old man/woman... the list goes on and on and on.

Word? Write us back asap and let us know if you'll be participating? Or if you have any suggestions on making ZBC even more fun - please let us know.

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@lowtax)

More The Great Goon Database

This Week on Something Awful...

About This Column

The Something Awful Forums are, by far, the greatest and most entertaining community on the internet. From the Comedy Goldmine to Photoshop Phriday, our forums are pretty much the lone island refusing to be engulfed by the sea of stupidity that is the internet. While sections like the Comedy Goldmine and Photoshop Phriday showcase the intentionally hilarious forum creations, we've failed to reveal the coin's flip side. The Great Goon Database is a depository of unintentionally amusing Something Awful Forum quotes demonstrating the darker side of SA. Special thanks to Goon "LittleJoe" for collecting and sorting these gems.

Previous Articles

Suggested Articles

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.