As far as sex of any type goes, I refer to Dan Savage's three Gs of sex: Be good, giving, and game. How that applies to this thread has to do with the last couple of pages of buttsex drama. Frankly, the simple fact that quite a few women (even women I know) HAVE anal intercourse seems to indicate that it's not at all horrible. Now, I'm NOT saying that you should give up the sphincter every time someone asks, but if you're in a relationship with someone that you love and trust, why not give it a shot? But be the one in control. If he wants it that badly, make him do the research, make him buy the lube. When it comes to it, control the speed, the depth, and the duration. Don't pull some bullshit like, "Well, if you want to fuck me in the ass, then I get to fuck you in the ass." Unless you actually have fantasies of penetrating men in the ass, it's just childish tit-for-tat.
As far as the man goes: STOP PRESSURING WOMEN TO DO SHIT!! Trust me, they know. They are capable of remembering what all of your sick, twisted kinks are. I learned the hard way. I pestered the hell out of my girl to give me road head (neither of us had done it, and we were driving from Wisconsin to Cali) and I got it exactly once. In New Mexico. I missed however many states, and hundreds of miles, worth of road head because I was a tactless jerk. From my experience, women are much more likely to try a little kink if you incorporate them into your fantasy, and I mean more than just saying, "I would like to penetrate you anally." This is where porn works wonders, and thank heaven that my girlfriend loves to watch the porn. It's so much easier to lean over and tell a girl, "The idea of you doing that to me/me doing that to you makes me so fucking hot." Especially when you already have your hands in each other's pants.
Be Good to your lover. Take the time to make every sexual encounter worth the time and the effort. Unless you're just going for a quickie, practice your foreplay, tease and explore. Respect their boundaries, and make it about THEM. Chances are, if they're good, then they will be happy to reciprocate. As a Giving lover, if it sends them over the edge, but it doesn't really do much for you, do it anyway, for fucks sake. Try to put yourself in their headspace, and try to get pleasure out of knowing how much you're driving your lover wild. The one caveat to this is if what they want hurts or degrades you (or is just plain illegal). If you aren't interested in being hurt or degraded, then as a good lover, they should be respectful of your boundaries. Lastly, be Game. Give it a shot. Don't knock it until you've tried it, and all that happy horseshit. If your lover wants to try something new, give it some consideration. You don't HAVE to agree, but hell, why not? If you do it once, and it sucks, at least you can say, "No," the next time and follow it up with, "I tried it once, and it sucked." Again, if your lover is good, then they should leave it at that. There's plenty of fucked up porn around if you need to get off to two men in latex suits, hitting each other in the groin with cricket bats, in a tub of hot milk.
That being said, I have a question. I've always thought I had an average dick, and I've never had any problems hitting it from behind (my favorite position). It's my girlfriend's favorite position as well, and she says that she's never had a problem with it any of her prior lovers either. She says I'm too big, and when we have sex doggystyle, she says it hurts, like I'm hitting the top end of her vagina/cervix. My ego will not allow me to disagree with her assessment of my apparent horsecock, and I was wondering if any of the ladies had any advice as to how to enjoy doggystyle sex without me hurting her. We get a little carried away, and she normally likes it hard, so we need a new angle, or one of those pillows, or maybe I just need to load her up on roofies (j/k). Any advice would be well appreciated.
We had sex and I didn't shower after, so it sat in it's flacid state and caused my dick to get all dried up and peel and shit. We had sex with that warming KY and it was somewhat painful, but it was gone no more than a week after that. DON'T USE FUCKING HYDROGEN PEROXIDE ON YOUR DICK ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID? I could have gone the rest of my life without reading that. All your doing with all the washing and shit is delaying the healing. Wash your dick as if nothing was wrong, if you shower more than once a day, leave it alone on the 2nd shower. If you don't shower every day, then start now until it heals up.
On Saturday, July 21st (the day after the 38th anniversary of the Apollo 11 lunar touchdown), at the age of 25, I discovered that it is apparently normal to be able to see the entire glans (and not just the very tip) when a penis is erect. It is also apparently normal to be able to touch the glans with something without recoiling with extreme fear and pain as you would someone trying to poke you in the eyeball with a needle.
This means that I am abnormal, which makes me sad.
Wet Ones or some other kind of wipes that don't smell like baby wipes. You can use them as sort of a pseudo shower if you're not too gross and in a hurry. They also make sex cleanup really easy if you can't walk half naked to a bathroom.
You can do your dishes with clorox wipes and a microwave. Fill the crusty gross cups/bowls with water, put them in all at once for about 6 minutes. Dump the contents, and wipe out the inside with disinfecting clorox wipes. (no actual clorox in them so they're safe to eat off of)
Downy Wrinkle Release is awesome if you have dressy clothes (for interviews or dates or something) that need ironed but you don't have an iron.
Scotch makes sticky foam mounting squares that are the only things that stick to my walls that I can hang stuff with.
Please consider updating your plan to include Trickle Down Antibiotics, the Millennial Meltdown, and other new options.
The most beautiful woman on all of Facebook is no longer just enchanting your Facebook feed. She's here, y'all!
The Something Awful Forums are, by far, the greatest and most entertaining community on the internet. From the Comedy Goldmine to Photoshop Phriday, our forums are pretty much the lone island refusing to be engulfed by the sea of stupidity that is the internet. While sections like the Comedy Goldmine and Photoshop Phriday showcase the intentionally hilarious forum creations, we've failed to reveal the coin's flip side. The Great Goon Database is a depository of unintentionally amusing Something Awful Forum quotes demonstrating the darker side of SA. Special thanks to Goon "LittleJoe" for collecting and sorting these gems.