I just got fired in a somewhat epic way. What started as a simple joke (although a stupid, tasteless and sick one) culminated in my being fired, labelled a MONSTER, yelled and cursed at and even physically threatened.
So I was working for a software/video-games QA company in Montreal. Pretty laid back place with a mixed up bunch of young people... some really great ones, some crazies, some weirdos and some who were just plain creepy. This really short asian guy for example, his creepiness level was high enough to rival Brian Peppers'. Awkward, never speaks to anyone, carries a foot stool around, had pictures of all the female employees on his computer, brings lolicon figurines to work... I mean, I could recount a hundred anecdotes to illustrate how creepy this guy is, but he's only a small part of the story here so let's just call him Henry and move on.
Well, Henry was fired last week for reasons unknown and a few days ago, as I was walking out the office with a friend, we were discussing this. Eventually, one of the theories I came up with is that he was a pedo child kidnapper. He doesn't really fit the profile but he's still creepy as hell... And then I saw IT, right in front of me: the SUGGESTION BOX!!! A place to write down all my crazy sick thoughts of the moment in total anonymity!
So I grab the pen, check the "complaint" box and write:
name: Henry"Cedrika is in my basement, I grow tired of her whining, lol"
<< Cedrika is a 9yo girl who's gone missing some weeks ago. She's all over the news all the time. If you're offended, I'll understand.
I think they emptied the box 2-3 days later and my "complaint" quickly made its way to the big boss. So I came in today, completely oblivious to what I'd set in motion (in truth, I'd forgotten about it entirely) and went about my daily work... Then the big boss barges into the room, flanked by the chief of security man-hating lesbian, and my heart just ties into a knot because in his hand is a folded piece of paper which I instantly recognize. "What the fuck have I done ?" I tell myself. He starts talking but I'm too shaken to register the words. I can tell he's reading the paper to everyone and looks incredibly pissed. He's also a parent, French and a condescending bastard, so you can imagine how angry he must've been. Well anyway he declared a witch hunt and said that he'd get the cops involved and that the culprit had better come forward blablabla fucking other crazy shit nonsense. They had a couple ways of finding out who did it but I wanted to keep my job so I took my chances and kept my mouth shut.
Well anyway, for the next few hours I could see they were all investigating this pretty seriously so I knew I was pretty much toast. Later on, a general meeting was called by the boss, and an ultimatum was set. I would have to come forward or else he would go through every employee one by one, while EVERYONE ELSE is in the cafeteria, and check their handwriting. Sure I could fake my handwriting but they've got other sources to verify it (tests I've taken, forms, etc) so I thought I pretty much had no choice but to turn myself in.
I went to his office 10 min later and was greeted with a "I knew it was you". He seemed pretty calm but then he immediately started to insult me and grew more and more agitated. I just stood there taking the insults and thinking to myself "How the hell do I formulate a defense against this moron ? How can I begin to explain my "humor" to him ?". Then he said "I should HIT you for what you did" and that kinda snapped me out of my daze. Whoa, hit me ? I mean, I KNOW it was wrong, I KNOW it was unprofessional, I think firing me is overreacting, but if you want to hit me, you're a fucking psycho. We were standing kinda halfway out of his office and all the doors were opened, so about 7 other people could see/hear the scene. I didn't even place a single sentence and he kept going. At one point his teary-eyed wife, who also works there, dragged him in another office... I guess because she thought he really might've hit me. The other few witnesses just looked at me as if I had a huge "MONSTER" brand in the middle of the forehead.
After that I really felt like shit. I thought things couldn't have turned out worse; karma or luck or whatever had failed utterly. Even in my worst case scenario from a few hours earlier I wasn't expecting things to end this badly, and that fact alone bummed me out pretty bad.
I sat down in the HR girl's office to sign some bullshit paperwork that said I was an evil person. I had a minor breakdown then because I was just shocked at how things had snowballed out of proportions. I talked to a few people on the way out and then left. I feel pretty good now though. I'm still a student and it wasn't a particularly good job anyway. Oh well, good luck Cedrika.
Sir Mix-a-Lot's classic follow up to "Baby Got Back" has serious unintended consequences.
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
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