I lurk in the local Mac store, and know most of the guys who work the floor. A lot of the time I'm there, I'm their lackey or assistant or whatever help they need. Fine by me, seeing as I get to do what I love without fear of being fired or having (Non-existent) pay docked. Most of the time, I just run between desks and counters, carry things, clean up sloppily-set-down products, etcetera. Sometimes I help chime in with a bit of info, sometimes help a customer when all the reps are busy. It's not official, but I enjoy it.
-There's some property in our town that I think could fit a 10-screen movie theatre. I've long had a dream of winning the lottery with enough money to 'lose' and not care about it. That lost money would be spent opening up the best movie theater, ever! No concession item over $2, charge 25cents for all refills, tickets topping out at $4 (at most), personal film fests, free classic movies every so often, and a drive-in in the back.
-Become some sort of professional artist/writer/whatever whose work is generally ignored and panned in the US, but is wildly successful overseas (esp. Europe and Asia.) The non-US success supports me financially while my US failures continuously drive me to improve myself. However, as a benefit of this, I'm left mostly alone int eh US without anyone disturbing me. (Then, after my death, we get to hear about how horribly unappreciated I was in my own time and place, and how the rest of the world 'got me.' Eventually, the US accepts me as one of the great American talents of my era, college professors write books about about me and try to figure out WHY it took so long for my recognition in the US.)
I don't know why, but that feels like it would be so perfect.
-Win a ton of money in the lottery. Spend the rest of my life going to college all over the world/country, pretending to be a broke student.
-Take a solid month off of work and down a bunch of sleeping pills to avoid being awake more than a few hours a day.
Oh dear God yes. I came here to post this. A guy at my office who does administrative and sometimes sales work on the telephone is constantly doing this. The other day I broke down and spent five minutes trying to explain to him why he shouldn't use "literally" in this context after I overheard this conversation on the phone:
Idiot coworker: "Yeah, you don't need to pay for the upgrade because you already have it! Yeah you've literally got the Rolls Royce right here..."
NO MORON. HE DOES NOT LITERALLY HAVE A ROLLS ROYCE BECAUSE HE HAS THE FULLY UPGRADED VERSION OF OUR SOFTWARE. STOP. FUCKING. SAYING. LITERALLY.
When I was a pump jockey at a stop and rob every Friday and Saturday night we liked to play a game called "Boozer Lotto" We would shake a steelie up for a long as time and place it in the serve rack somewhere. Each time we had to refill the rack at night, we would do the same thing.
I really hated the people that bought that booze, but the stories they would tell about buying it "Naw, this isn't for me, my mom really likes it" Smile nod and drop it into a ghetto cooler (brown paper bag) and listen to the scream when they would open the can outside (we sold more 24oz cans then 40 oz bottle of the stuff) and get a face full of foam.
'We’re going to be in trouble!' Little Sister wailed, clutching her favorite book to her chest and sobbing. 'This isn’t fun like a story anymore!' But Big Sister was not listening, she was thinking. She grabbed Little Sister’s book from her and ran into town, yelling 'Help! A book made me and my sister hurt someone!'
I've been wanting to meet you all for the past few weeks, but I guess I cut an intimidating figure. I'm the new guy, with the cool job you've all surely been gossiping about. Yep, I'm the Lead Loremaster, and I'm here to enrich everything we do with much-needed lore.
The Something Awful Forums are, by far, the greatest and most entertaining community on the internet. From the Comedy Goldmine to Photoshop Phriday, our forums are pretty much the lone island refusing to be engulfed by the sea of stupidity that is the internet. While sections like the Comedy Goldmine and Photoshop Phriday showcase the intentionally hilarious forum creations, we've failed to reveal the coin's flip side. The Great Goon Database is a depository of unintentionally amusing Something Awful Forum quotes demonstrating the darker side of SA. Special thanks to Goon "LittleJoe" for collecting and sorting these gems.