Now that you have a good background in the weapons and items, let's take a look at some of the individuals you will be using these weapons and items to kill. Knowing your enemy is always a big advantage, so I have compiled a list of the different personality types you will most likely run into, along with their signature moves and the best strategy to defeat each one. You can thank me by not acting like any of them.
Captain Tactics: After watching Full Metal Jacket 20 or 30 times, this fine young lad has learned everything there is to know about urban combat. Not only is he a military genius just waiting to be discovered and recruited by the Federal Bureau of Discovering and Recruiting Military Geniuses, but he is benevolent enough to share his foolproof battle plans with the rest of his team, and even inform all the other players whenever their strategies do not meet with his approval. Lucky them!
Signature move: Saying "rush right", charging off by himself into a hail of enemy gunfire, then repeatedly saying "u stupid lusers didnt rush w/me or id be alive. assholes"
Strategy: Take a shot at him with a pump shotgun from all the way across the map. You can easily dispatch him seconds later when he stops playing to type out a 500-word essay on why shotguns should not be used at long range.
Sociopath: Much like the morons you normally find in Yahoo chatrooms, the Sociopath is an angry and bitter child who masquerades as a big tough guy who will not hesitate to kick your ass if you look at him the wrong way or use the wrong kind of emoticon. This may seem like a relatively harmless breed of Counterstrike player, but in groups they are capable of inflicting lethal levels of annoyance. The Sociopath hates Counterstrike and everyone who plays it (and everyone who doesn't play it) but he will keep playing the game, simply because it's the only way he can get out his aggression at other people without getting his glasses broken and shoved in his ear.
Signature move: Blasting other players with incredibly callous and witty insults such as "fag", "fAg" and "FAG".
Strategy: Start insulting the band Slipknot. With any luck, the Sociopath's ensuing screams of rage will wake up his parents in the next room and he'll have to turn the computer off and go to sleep.
Gun Expert: Typically a 30-year-old male who grew up with guns, owned several guns in high school and graduated from the United States Institute of Guns. He has memorized the weight, muzzle velocity and warranty information for every gun that has been made since the early 1600s. Of course he believes that this extensive knowledge of firearms makes him a natural Counterstrike player, and any kills against him are a result of the game's glaring inaccuracies. So, basically he's a grown-up version of an annoying six-year-old kid who always plays cowboys & indians but argues whenever his friends say "Bang, you're dead."
Signature move: Messaging the person who just killed him and letting him know that the kill didn't really count because the muzzle flash from his AK-47 looked a lot more like the muzzle flash from an AR-10. Followed by huddling in front of his computer clutching a revolver, silently weeping.
Strategy: Declare that Counterstrike is the most realistic game of all time and there are absolutely no inconsistencies between the in-game guns and their real-life counterparts. The flash of uncontrollable anger the Gun Expert will feel should make his entire head explode, or at least enough of his head to seriously impair his motor functions. Either way, it's an easy victory for you!
Rookie: Inevitably you'll run into someone who has never played Counterstrike before, but refuses to learn anything about it. Usually this is a teenager who plays whatever his friends play, just to fit in. So he will have gone from Quake 3 to Unreal Tournament to Counterstrike, without bothering to learn any of the differences between the games. You will typically find him running around in a game, asking questions like 'whuts a flashbang?' and 'why r u wearing a mask?', and getting answers ranging from 'Perhaps you should read the manual' to 'read the god damn manual'. But since he has the same personality as a kid who tries to put together a $150 model plane without so much as looking at the instructions, he will continue stumbling blindly through the game attempting to use the 'learn as you go' approach, while repeatedly saying "whats 'rtfm' mean, stop saying rtfm to me it isnt even a word u stupid jerks".
Signature move: Attempting 12 times in a row to kill you by circle-strafing with a glock, and wondering aloud why it isn't working.
Strategy: Take the same approach you would take towards the fat kid during recess basketball games back in elementary school. Meaning you should do everything within your power to make sure he plays on the other team.
Chronically Depressed Dipshit: On average, you will find 3 or 4 CDDs in a 20-player game of Counterstrike. They can be easily located by joining a random game and looking through the chat to see who is whining about how full of pain their life is while playing a computer game on a $2000 Dell Dimension their parents bought them for their 16th birthday. Any attempts to interject logic into their whiny ramblings (i.e. saying "If you're depressed why don't you do something besides play Counterstrike?") will be met either with "you wouldnt understand" or a series of angry messages detailing the romantic life of your mother.
Signature move: Getting an enemy in his sights and being unable to summon the energy to click the mouse button and fire.
Strategy: Type the opening line from a random Marilyn Manson or Nine Inch Nails song. The CDD will get caught up in the moment, close his eyes and play through the song in his mind, quietly reflecting on the pointlessness of human existence and the fact that only a few select bands actually understand the pain of a joyless life. Then he'll snap out of it and discover that you took advantage of the opportunity to run over to his guy and stab him in the ankles until he fell over and died, giving the rest of the server a hearty laugh at the NIN fan's expense. Two victories for the price of one!
Rhodes Scholar: He's smarter than you, and he isn't afraid to show it! Every single message that flows from the Rhodes Scholar's keyboard is so chock-full of intelligence and wisdom that the IQ overflow occasionally causes packet loss and server crashes. If another player offends him or says something mean about him, he'll respond by typing out a doctoral thesis on differential calculus, one line at a time. Of course, he'll do this after the round has started and his team has already rushed out to fight the enemy, so he'll get about a third of the way through before an enemy walks into the spawn, shoots him dead and calls him a moron.
Signature move: Sending amazingly well-written and thoughtful chat messages that do not contain any words with less than four syllables.
Strategy: Tell him that trigonometry and algebra are the exact same thing, just with different symbols. After futilely attempting to educate you for a while, he'll throw his keyboard against the wall, dive out the window and run screaming into the woods, never to be seen or heard from again.
Cybertramp: I hate to break the news to all you aspiring e-pimps out there, but the majority of sexy women who use the internet are actually sweaty 50-year-old men who have had a run-in with the police after attempting to molest a mailbox. But the Cybertramp is betting on the power of human stupidity to ensure that nobody realizes he is not actually a 21-year-old supermodel. So, needless to say, he fools people 98% of the time. He will join a server with a name like SexySniper or [HOT]Angel_Eyes, and he will correctly assume that nobody will bother to question exactly why a young attractive female would have to flirt with guys over the internet during a game of Counterstrike.
Signature move: "Hey hunny, dun shoot me *giggle* ^_^ :P"
Strategy: Do what comes naturally. Kill him in the game, then trace his IP, drive over to his house and beat him into submission with a garden rake.
Clanner: This guy was a gamer back before gaming was cool. When you were just a fetus inside your mother's womb, the Clanner was a fetus inside his mother's womb playing Armor Battle on a little tiny Intellivision system attached to the inside of the placenta. By the time he was four years old, he was able to defeat all comers at Quake 3, which was very impressive considering it was twelve years before Quake 3 even came out. In every game he's ever played, be it Quake, Doom or SimToiletbrush, he has joined together with a clique of similarly-endowed gamers to destroy all comers at that particular form of online entertainment. He scoffs at all the simple fools who play games for stupid reasons like "to have fun", and lives for the thrill of railgunning someone into lava and picturing that person as the football captain who stuffed him into trash cans on a daily basis back in high school. He recently made the shift to Counterstrike after hearing one of his two friends describe it as "totally neato".
Signature move: Dodging all your bullets, pulling out a pistol and placing a slug right between your eyes from 200 yards.
Strategy: Make up a random abbreviation like "tpais" and use it regularly. Clanners are terrified of being left behind in the great leetspeak arms race to sound like as much of an idiot as possible, so they'll ask you what it means. Make up words to go along with the letters (it really doesn't matter if they go in any kind of order or form a coherent phrase or anything), and then change acronyms and repeat. Continue doing this for as long as it takes before the Clanner starves to death in front of his computer. It might be a good idea to keep some food nearby, to make sure he starves to death before you do.
Well, good luck. This guide should help you get started in the wonderful world of shooting other people randomly with the same three weapons, complaining about the game being biased against you, and wondering why our nation considers terrorists a threat when they clearly don't care about anything besides shooting uniformed government workers with AK-47s. And remember: when all else fails, cry 'bullshit'.
Transgressive author Chuck Palahniuk is here to help with tips and tricks to hacking your life.
Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
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