The key response is, "I don't have a problem! YOU have a problem!"
If you see a guy walking as if someone has forcefully inserted a large stick up his ass, he is probably from a frathouse. If you see a female who feels her mere presence is too saintly to be discolored by you, then she is probably from a sorority. This reminds me of another driving tip: if you see either of these people crossing the street, there is no need to brake.
Don't be alarmed at the enormous amounts of people who smoke on campus. It is estimated that if you combined all the tiny cancerous masses inside a student bodys' lungs, you would have an object that has more mass and weight than Jabba the Hut and the Nutty Professor combined. Smoking makes you cooler than other people. So does riding a motorcycle with no helmet and evading taxes. Keep these tips in mind when trying to fit in.
Since you are attending college, it is a basic assumption you will develop a drinking disorder (if you are a lady, you are expected to get an eating disorder as well). In order to reach this goal in the quickest time, you need to know how to do it right. Starting off, try soft wine coolers like "Boone's Strawberry Hill", "Turbo Dog's 100% Dope Rasberry Booze", or "Scotch." Eventually you will need to progress to drinking beer. There are high-class beers such as "Heiniken," which are brewed from pure barley oats and glacier water. On the opposite side of the spectrum, there are beers made from freshly cut crab grass and goat urine, like "Red Dog" and anything that costs under $1.25 for a 12-pack. For you "hardcore" drinkers or "fucking idiots," try wild things like body shots. For a body shot, you'll need some Vodka, fruit, salt, and a rotting corpse from your local graveyard. Take the Vodka (known as the "shot" part) and pour some in the corpses rectal chamber (known as the "body" part), then drink. If you notice anybody giving you odd looks or running away, this is because they're stunned by how cool you are.
Remember, the time you spend at college is a time where you are growing as a person and experimenting with things around the world and with life itself. It is completely normal to want to try different things, especially in the realm of sexual activity. If you are a female, attractive, and want me to teach you just what I mean, feel free to email me at [email protected] and we will arrange a meeting. Please include a list of your turn-ons and turn-offs, favorite alcoholic beverages, and a recent photo (not a baby photo, I can't masturbate to those as well).
Another important tip is that no one really cares about you anymore. No teacher will make the effort to help your grade (unless you are sleeping with them). No one will stop you to ask where you going, why you are peeing there, or what inspired you to strip off all your clothing. The only people who will actually care about you are your local and friendly counselors! They're there especially to help young and wide-eyed freshman hack their way through a few years of college. But their shadow doesn't just loom over freshmen, they specialize in your needs and have different types of help for different students. They're trained to help everybody, from entering college freshmen, graduating seniors, and students who want to try to "find themselves." I don't know how they lost themselves in the first place; that sounds pretty difficult. It's not like they have a detachable penis or something, which incidentally I hear is pretty easy to lose. Just take a look at the interview I had with my counselor to see what I mean!
Hakan: (knocking on door) "Hello, are you Counselor Surly? I'm here to discuss my major."
Surly: "Look chunky, Surly only looks out for one guy: Surly."
Hakan: "Sorry, Surly."
Surly: "Shut up."
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Something Awful Guides can help you, the Internet reader, make the most out of your life and just might possibly end up getting you incapacitated or killed!