Musicians really turn the ladies on! Try to contain your animal desire, women!
Nothing impresses chicks more than being a musician and playing your music in the quad, local bar, or after you break into their bedroom while they're sleeping. Borrow or steal any kind of guitar and quickly learn a really easy song like "Louie, Louie," "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star," or "Stairway to Heaven." If you decide to play bass, make sure you practice at 4 am with your amp turned up all way. If you live in a dorm, this is mandatory for Tuesday nights. If people from 10 floors away don't wake up and come pounding at your door to yell at you, then you aren't really practicing.
It's generally accepted and always fun to try to "prank" the freshmen. Some people like to take money from them for a phony "elevator pass" or "meal ticket." Others like to say it's a tradition to take their underwear and put it up a flagpole along with the normal flag. There are a select few who like to take the freshmen behind a building, shoot them in the face, and then take their money and pants. Boy, that was a funny prank someone pulled on me!
Try your best to support your college football, basketball, or baseball team in any way possible. Try to be original by wearing clothes that have your team's name on it and show just how devoted a fan you are. If you spot someone who miraculously manages to avoid showing any interest in sports, he must be an antisocial psychopath and might try to kill you and all your loved ones. Do everything you can to convert him into a fan. Being an obsessed and enraged sports nut is much more important than trite things like "studying" or "not being a fucking idiot."
A good way to meet girls is by asking them if they want to join your "study group" to prepare for an upcoming test. Try to make jokes relating to your subject when you're studying, so they can see just how witty and clever you are. If you're studying Biology, say clever things like, "In Final Fantasy they have a spell called 'bio'", or, "That Louie Pastuer sure was one crazy mother fucker," or, "Jesus Christ, I didn't know a Bunsen burner could go in that far."
If you have a question regarding a particular grade on your paper, the only way to get it fixed is if you see your professor outside of class. They are often very receptive and helpful, assuming you can catch them during a free moment.
Hakan: "Dr. Slaughter, I'm glad I found you here this late at night. Are you busy?"
Dr. Slaughter: "No, I can take a minute off from teaching." (turning away from the chalkboard) "OK class, let's take a five minute break and we'll get right back to neurons."
Hakan: "Who are you talking to? There's no one in here, and you don't even teach neurology."
Dr. Slaughter: (weeping) "Please take me home..."
When coming up the title of an English paper, convolute the title as much as possible by replacing simple words with big ones no one ever uses. The sophomoric title, "Louis and Clark: No, They're Not From the 'Superman' Comic Book" can easily become, "The Dynamics of Interbeing and Monological Imperatives in Louis and Clark: A Study in Psychic Transrelational Gender Modes." Sounding like a pompous asshole is what English teachers like, mainly because most of them are in fact pompous assholes.
If you're at a college party, you'll need to know how to pick up girls. A little known fact is that girls actually WANT you to talk to them; you just need to know how. Let me show you what I mean:
Guy: "Hello... breasts! You have breasts!"
Girl: "So do you! Go away!"
This tactic won't work. Try something like this:
Guy: "Hey." (looking as if trying to think) "Aren't you in my Physics class?"
Girl: "No." (depending on how she says "no" is your cue if she likes you or not)
Guy: "Well then, let's say you and I get 'physical'... BAWAHAHAHA!! GET THE DELICIOUS PUN?!?"
Girl: "Let's go make out!"
It's just that simple folks! Well, getting the girl really drunk first helps as well.
I hope this guide will be more than helpful for your college career. I wish I had someone to show me the ropes when I was younger. If you get anything out of college, let's hope it's not anal warts (those really suck). The future is brighter for those with a positive outlook, keep smiling, America!
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Something Awful Guides can help you, the Internet reader, make the most out of your life and just might possibly end up getting you incapacitated or killed!