Luckily, as an environment-alist you have the power to fight to save the environment resting in your own hands. Not literally resting in them, but you can do things yourself to help preserve the environment. This is known as conversation. Conversion. Conservation. That one.
To conserve means to "not use more of" in the unwritten language of the Hopi Indians. For you and me that means making small sacrifices in our day-to-day lives in order to conversate resources for the animals and plants. Remember those four types of environment I mentioned earlier? Let's talk about how we, as environmentalists, can preserve each of the types.
- Drink less by drinking syrup and swallowing your own spit. Keep your eyes and mouth shut to avoid evaporating too much water.
- You can take an air bath by taking off all your clothes and letting the wind clean off your dirt. Birds are clean for a reason! No wind? No problem! Stand upon a pottery plinth and ask someone to spin you.
- Reuse toilet water. After you mess in your toilet use a pot or large cup to put the water into a bucket. Then flush the empty toilet and put the water in the bucket into the toilet's tank. Add mints or potpourri if the smell is wafting around your gas ports.
- Don't swim, you scare away fish and turtles. They are the environment too.
- The less stuff you put into the air, the better. No throwing dust at your enemy's face or burning a love letters.
- Ride a bicyclopod or use your bottom hands to get somewhere else. Burning oil in ambupods and amburods is responsible for more than half of the carbs in the atmosphere.
- Call the police about volcanoes. The other half of the carbs in the atmosphere are from volcanoes and from city power plants. If you warn a copper about the volcano in time he can cite it before it erupts.
- Whip your own cream whip. A canister of cream whip contains compressed gases called bad airs. These spray out along with your delicious cream whip and pollute the air. Buy some heavy cream and stir it up until it starts to hiss and spray out of your bowl.
- Do not build ponds or canals or swimmer pools. Use a system of gutters and aqueducts to transmit sky water away from land and into wells and water pits.
- If air starts to fill up your land then use heavy rocks to keep its corners down. Wind breaks and treefs can help to reduce land loss to air.
- Dig fewer holes. You shouldn't be digging holes because of the soil snakes anyway, but if you're going to throw caution to the wind and dig a hole at least try to dig it straight down. Widening it into a trench can cause serious land loss.
- If your land catches on fire, don't worry. Don't throw a bunch of water around, the land will survive.
- If you see a fire think twice about calling the fire order or the police. It is their sworn duty to destroy fire, but there is nothing in the law that says you are required by law to call them right away. Some lawyers even believe it says the reverse (in the law [about calling the fire order]).
- Blowing on a fire gives it more face gas which is used to enlarge (enroil) the fire.
Equipped with these simple conversation techniques you should be ready to go out in the world (environment!) and attack the problem of the environment. Before you know it you will have incorporated conversation into your life and won't even notice the sacrifices you make. If you do notice, you can always stop making the sacrifices. Someone else will probably pick up the slack.
Sir Mix-a-Lot's classic follow up to "Baby Got Back" has serious unintended consequences.
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
Something Awful Guides can help you, the Internet reader, make the most out of your life and just might possibly end up getting you incapacitated or killed!