"Our supportive maintennance staff is on call 24 hours a day."
"jogging tracks are adjacent to the community" - There is a sidewalk outside your apartment. Jogging is the preferred method of travel because it effectively doubles the chance that you won't be mugged while trying to get to your car.
"designed by a National Award winning architect" - Person who drew the apartment layout won a bicycle in the "Captain O Magazine Subscription" contest.
"the location is great" - This quote was overheard by a couple guys transporting stolen speakers and television sets in the back of their unmarked white van.
"we are within blocks of parks and recreation" - Empty lot across the street provides hours of entertainment for children who like to be trapped inside abandoned refrigerators. They'll meet new and exciting homeless people who will teach them informative lessons that involve injecting various substances into their arms.
"floorplans also include extra deep full-wall closets" - Previous tenants were able to fit two whole corpses inside the closet.
"apartments feature central heating" - Fireplace is lodged directly in the middle of the livingroom. If there is no fireplace, there is a square patch of floor where you can start a campfire. Carpet provides "optimal burning experience".
"plush wall to wall carpet in designer color" - Carpet is the color of the fruit punch previous owners preferred to drink. Festive "random dark blobs" are scattered throughout the place.
"let our responsive management team do all they can to make you feel at home" - You will be given a keychain with the apartment complex's name written across it. If you are lucky, you might also be given a chipped coffee mug as well.
"includes outdoor picnic area" - Somebody left a bunch of wooden boards outside. Crazy Earl, the drunken groundskeeper, hammered the planks together in the vague form of a table. Hundreds of nails protruding from the wood ensures a very "memorable" dining experience which should be concluded with a barrage of Tetanus shots.
"Plenty of parking in our spacious uncovered garages."
"choose from our wide range of models for a residence that complements and enhances your lifestyle" - We have really cheap apartments for you stingy bastards who don't feel like paying $2000 a month for an apartment with running water. The lower-end apartments are made of taped-together cardboard boxes with numbers written on the outside.
"you'll find the carefree living you deserve" - Many tenants don't feel the need to walk around clothed.
"an exciting urban environment" - No less than six homeless people will hang around outside your door and wade through your used condoms in the garbage. Smog from surrounding factories will make unassisted breathing "an exciting experience."
"an attention to detail that make the difference" - Maintenance has patched up the bullets holes in the walls that previous tenants left. Chalk outlines on the floor are still visible but you can move your couch on top of them or something.
"beautiful private balconies and patios" - You know that five square feet of space right outside your front door? They took away the welcome mat, replaced it with a potted plant that one of the illegal aliens on the janitorial staff stole from outside the local Target, and dubbed the area a "patio". If your apartment is on the second floor, this space is referred to as a "balcony".
"a meticulously maintained gated community" - Due to the city's strict wild animal policies, a concrete wall has been erected around the entire property in order to keep in the myriad of rabid wolverines and opossums that are lurking in the area, just waiting to become your "potential pets".
"our recently remodeled apartments feature a bright and airy atmosphere" - Roof costs extra.
"vertical blinds in every apartment" - Recently upgraded from "horizontal bars".
"a large social room with a 35" television with a satellite dish" - Satellite dish sends out a television feed instead of bringing one in. Ignore the odd-looking light fixtures in your bathroom; they're just lights.
"we feature a fully equipped business center" - Windows 3.0 computer has a warezed version of Microsoft Access installed. The only program which doesn't cause the computer to reboot upon loading is Microsoft Paint.
The Remains of Bidet (James Ivory, 1993)
We might find we have more in common than we think if we just stop fighting long enough to combine our bodies into a singular organism.
Something Awful Guides can help you, the Internet reader, make the most out of your life and just might possibly end up getting you incapacitated or killed!