Chapter Two: Apartment Hunting

Now that you've properly deciphered and decoded the apartment's description, it's time to find that one special place that you will eventually call "home" and festively decorate by hanging your dirty underwear all over the place. Yup, it's time to do a little footwork and actually visit the apartments in question. This is by far the most dangerous aspect of the entire apartment process, because one false move could cause you to end up spending thousands of dollars a month on an apartment built primarily of packing material found in an abandoned railroad station.

A man would show absolutely no hesitation in purchasing an apartment like this.

If you are a man who is apartment hunting, be absolutely 100% sure to take a woman along with you. Due to some sort of weird chemical imbalance in male genes, men have virtually no patience in picking out apartments. When males are at home, looking through apartment guides and flipping across the pretty pictures of places to live in, they are able to trick their mind into believing that they're going to spend a good portion of time debating the pros and cons of each apartment complex, judging it critically, and eventually making a rational decision based on their firsthand experience with that apartment. In reality, men will rent the first place they visit that is not inhabited by millipedes the size of beachballs. This is because men are simply not equipped with a brain that can stand the tedium and repetition of apartment hunting.

Women, on the other hand, thrive in situations like this. They can tour over 100 apartments in a single day and still be able to figure out if their couch will look good in the prospective apartment's livingroom. Women, unlike men, have the ability to ask about the quality of the building's plumbing without breaking into hysterical laughter. One can noticeably tell the difference between men and women in the following actual apartment hunting scenario which I made up:

SCENARIO 1:

Apartment salesperson: So, as you can see, the vaulted ceilings add a very "wide open" feeling to the livingroom and make it quite hospitable.

Woman: Very nice. How long ago was the track lighting in here installed?

SCENARIO 2:

Apartment salesperson: So, as you can see, the vaulted ceilings add a very "wide open" feeling to the livingroom and make it quite hospitable.

Man: (writing a check) How much is it and when can I move in? Does it come with this bowl of plastic fruit?

Apartment salesperson: Sir, this is the showroom apartment. It's not for sale.

Man: (weeping) PLEASE JUST LET ME LEAVE!!!

Women have a completely different value system than men. They are able to walk into an apartment, look around, ask intelligent questions, and make a decision based on both logic and their impressions of the place. When evaluating a potential place to live, they think about the following things:

1) Is this apartment practical enough to suit my needs?
2) Will it offer room to grow and a dependable residency?
3) Does the rent fall into my budget constraints?

As expected, men think very differently, asking themselves the following three questions within the first 10 seconds of entering the apartment:

1) Where will the TV go?
2) Where can I put the speakers?
3) If I write them a check now, how fast could I get out of here?

Rental agents at apartment complexes are aware of this weakness in men and attempt to exploit it at every chance possible. When touring apartments with males, they will make sure to make descriptions as long and detailed as possible. They will force men to tour the apartment no fewer than 10 times, acting as if they're making laps around a racing track. They will explain, in detail, the history of the bathroom sink. By the end of the showing, the male subject is usually so weak and addled that a taxi cab has to be called to transport them back home again. This is why men should never, ever, ever go apartment hunting alone. Ever.

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@lowtax)

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