Average White Guy Alpha
Difficulty: Very Easy
Freestyle Moves: Falling, getting injured, failure
Average white guy alpha is just your plain old ordinary joe. Aged 14 to 35, average white guy alpha has no experience with Dance Dance Revolution, actual dancing, or coordination in general. He will lurk in a crowd surrounding the Dance Dance machine, and hop on when people start losing interest to avoid embarrassment. He will be completely overwhelmed by even the simplest stage, tripping over his own feet and often hitting his opponent accidently with flailing, uncoordinated limbs. Despite this, he is a persistent fellow, and will play until he runs out of money which was meant to be used for his lunch or insulin. Chances are that most people reading this are potential Average White Guy Alphas. Defeat him by simply avoiding playing like a retard.
Average White Guy Beta
Freestyle Moves: none
Having a similar background to Average White Guy Alpha, Average White Guy Beta has several weeks of Dance Dance Revolution experience under his belt. While not incredible, Average White Guy Beta can actually complete some dances, as opposed to his bumbling counterpart. Like Alpha, Beta has an incredible sense of determination, and will being to take on opponents far more skilled than he is. However, due to Average White Guy genetics, his skill can never increase, only plateau. This will not discourage Average White Guy beta, as he insists that he will get better some day. On a side note, look for him at clubs and bars trying to dance using Dance Dance maneuvers. Also, look for him to have no success with this. To overcome this adversary, you must psych him out. Point to a girl, and tell him that she was impressed by his dancing. Ideally, this should be a girl you don't know and would never want to talk to. He will eventually confront her about this and get crushed, leading you to an easy victory. Bonus point: Girl will get eternally creeped out.
Cutesy Girly Girl
Freestyle Moves: Mid-dance Ponytail Removal, hands on hips, random Backstreet Boys hand motions
The Cutesy Girly Girl never discovers Dance Dance herself. Rather, she is either related to, or the girlfriend of Average White Guy Alpha or Beta. Taking to the game like she took to Barbies, The Cutesy Girly Girl will do everything in the most feminine way she possibly can. She will also memorize all song lyrics instantly and sing them as she dances, living out her Brittany Spears fantasies on the pad. While she has roughly a fifty percent chance of being attractive, she has a one hundred percent chance of being irritating and deserving of blows. The only way to put a handle on this situation is to destroy her confidence by dropping subtle hints about her weight problem. Whether she has one or not. This will cause her to dance so hard in a vain attempt to burn calories that she will pass out and her heart will explode, destroying one city block.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
Something Awful Guides can help you, the Internet reader, make the most out of your life and just might possibly end up getting you incapacitated or killed!