As the Internet continues to grow in popularity, the sheer number of people taking advantage of free "instant messaging" programs like ICQ and AIM increases. These ease-of-use communication tools allow any two people with the software to chat with each other in real-time, creating a revolutionary atmosphere of free speech. However, there are a wide and varied assortment of people that one may encounter in these chat programs, types of users that many people might not be familiar with. This Something Awful Guide to Instant Messaging will profile the most abundant types of users so you, the reader, may learn who exactly you're communicating with.

The One Line Wonder

Generally a hyperactive teenager who eats raw, unrefined sugar while pounding down shots of his liquefied ADD medication, The One Line Wonder finds themselves unable to to resist pressing the "Send Message" button as soon as they finish a sentence. Once they have typed more than four words and sent off the message, they'll instantly begin working on their next message to you, which will contain even less content and proper grammar. Although their computer OS supports multitasking, the brains of the One Line Wonders hardly ever do.

EXAMPLE CONVERSATION:

YOU: Hey man, did you check out that site URL I just sent you?
THE ONE LINE WONDER: I saw it
THE ONE LINE WONDER: pretty cool shit
THE ONE LINE WONDER: my dad knows a guy
THE ONE LINE WONDER: who runs a site like that
THE ONE LINE WONDER: he uses
THE ONE LINE WONDER: flash or something
THE ONE LINE WONDER: my dad works in a fireworks factory
THE ONE LINE WONDER: one of his coworkers
THE ONE LINE WONDER: once blew up
THE ONE LINE WONDER: his hand
THE ONE LINE WONDER: with
THE ONE LINE WONDER: some
THE ONE LINE WONDER: fire
THE ONE LINE WONDER: work
THE ONE LINE WONDER: s
THE ONE LINE WONDER: .
YOU: How did you manage to send all those messages in under three seconds?
THE ONE LINE WONDER: fuck u

The Foreign Fornicator

Since all non-American countries are finally starting to discover computer technology and the wonderful AOL messaging software that comes with it, the residents of these exotic lands are putting their computers to the greatest possible use: testing out their broken English small talk skills. Although the only media footage of foreign (read as: "NON-AMERICAN") countries depicts massive amounts of people burning US flags, spitting on effigies of the President, and comparing America to the latest object that fell from their pet rat's rear end, their choice in instant messaging topics reveals something to the contrary. According to every single message history from a non-American contacting an American, it becomes evident that 99.9% of the world's population is intensely concerned with how tall Americans are.

EXAMPLE CONVERSATION:

THE FOREIGN FORNICATOR: yes helo! asl?
YOU: What?
THE FOREIGN FORNICATOR: I am arrived from Malaysia! I am name Rahimah! asl? * _ *
YOU: Malaysia?
THE FOREIGN FORNICATOR: where do live at? Is cold there! ^ _ ^
YOU: Huh?
THE FOREIGN FORNICATOR: I am 17 ears and 1928.23 hectareliters tall! my dad comands a soy farm!
YOU: A soy what?
THE FOREIGN FORNICATOR: what di you do in New Yrok? is cold there? its warm here! ^ _ *
YOU: Who are you and why are you messaging me?
THE FOREIGN FORNICATOR: how tall you are? my dad weighs 142231 microamperes! he comandeds a soy farm! ^ _ ^

Mr. One-Up

Regardless of what you're talking about, Mr. One-Up always has a story, link, or image that can top whatever you may produce. Did you find a hilarious picture of a man being run over by an ice cream truck? Well Mr. One-Up saw that image YEARS ago and has something way better! Did you find a movie trailer for a really obscure and cool looking foreign film? Mr. One-Up knew about that film within seconds of the director even dreaming up the idea! No matter what you write or send to him, it will regardlessly be inferior to the follow-up that Mr. One-Up will send back. In real life, he's what scientists commonly refer to as "a jerk."

EXAMPLE CONVERSATION:

YOU: Hey man, did you check out that site URL I just sent you?
MR. ONE-UP: Yeah, I saw it like three years ago. That's old news. Where the fuck have you been? I've seen that link like 50,000 times. I can't believe you haven't seen it before. Jesus Christ you're pathetic. Here's a funnier link that I just found yesterday. Nobody knows about it but me. I found it myself. If somebody else tells you about it, it's because they must've gotten it from me. Check this out: http://www.goatse.cx.
YOU: Dude, I've seen that before
(Two minute pause)
MR. ONE-UP: Liar.

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