Chapter Two - Create the Perfect Résumé Through Lying
Many of you misled miscreants out there often ask me, "Doctor Fred Malalavich, how come I didn't get that job I interviewed for? I had the experience, skills, and knowledge to fill the position, I wore that really expensive suit I took off of Uncle Jim's corpse, and I even splashed on a few gallons of Target brand cologne to cover up the smell of salami." To you buffoons I shall reiterate the statement I so boldly inked in my award winning book, "1, 2, 3 Job!":
"You can't spell 'résumé' without the word 'resume'. Well, except for that stupid little 'é' character."
Now that I read it again, that quote doesn't really offer much information. However, my point still stands; the only difference separating you from a drugged out hippie that sniffs bleach in his parent's attic all day is the amount of lies you print on your résumé. Over the years, companies have grown accustomed to the fact that employees invariably fib throughout the interview process. They expect this behaviour now. The critical point is to provide lies that distinguish you from the other slack-jawed yokels which vie for the one coveted position you seek. After polling a group of random college students on their way home from binge drinking, I have found the following "embellishments" to be particularly effective in spicing up your otherwise dull and below average résumé:
Now that you've added some minor embellishments to your previously dull background, it's time to tell your boss a little bit about yourself. Add in some colorful descriptions that show you're a real devoted worker with a "can do" attitude that really wants to grab this job. Feel free to use any of the following statements on your résumé:
You should now have a pretty beefy résumé with one noticable exception - you're missing any previous schooling experience. This is a piece of cake to change; simple open up the sports page of your local newspaper and write down the first college name you find. Make sure the headline isn't anything along the lines of "UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA PRESIDENT CAUGHT MOLESTING HAND PUPPET" or you might face an uncomfortable conversation topic.
Every resume looks more interesting and professional with clip art!
So you think your resume is done? You could not be further from the truth my ill-informed ignoramus. The crowning touch, or "jeannu me eloui quaea" (I just made up that phrase), is a little thing that could truly make the difference between not getting the job, and being forcibly kicked out by security. Yes, I'm talking about clip art of course. Adding a large number of clip art pictures to your resume will help grab the boss' attention while simultaneously impressing him with your "extensive computer know-how". The most effective clip art pictures include the black and white ballroom dancing one, pics of random farm implements, the graphic showing a cartoon rooster, and the ever popular "lumberjack sleeping on a log" piece of art (seen to the left).
Now you've got one resume to be proud of. Well, comparatively. The only obsticle remaining in your way is the actual interview. Luckily for you, that's exactly what the next chapter covers. Chapter Three - Knock the Pants Off That Ass!"
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
As the 19th century diver approaches a giant clam, a flash of brilliant golden light flares from within the shell. I emerge in a swirl of bubbles and do the timeless universal underwater hand signals for the following: ZODIAC KILLER, KKK, BLOOD OF YOUTH
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