Chapter Three - Knock the Pants off that Ass!
Hello once again, gentle readers! As the millions of my fans have noticed, this column has had the heavy hand of delay stamped upon its tender shoulders! Alas, a simple excuse such as "my village was destroyed by a fiery volcano" will not suffice to appease your hungry appetites for knowledge, so I shall issue the following justification for this column's diuturnity: "my village was destroyed by a fiery volcano. Also, I was abducted by Jewish furniture salesmen who inserted various devices into my nasal cavity." Well, without further ado, I present to you the final chapter of my "Three Steps to Success" trilogy!
If you'll be kind enough to remember from the previous steps, we have covered the following essential topics:
Now we must tackle the next logical step in nabbing that elusive position in whatever menial and banal job you choose to go after: impressing the boss.
As many a wise scholar have noted, "i before e, except after c". What does this quotation mean to us? Very little, which is why it contrasts so well to my next point: it is of great importance to impress your potential employer. I remember my first attempt to land a golden position as Director of Content Management Administration at the Dairy Queen down by the Home Depot. I was a churlish lad at the age of 17, unwise to the ways of the world. I reveled in my ignorance, and visibly showed my naivéty like a badge of honor. I approached the owner of the fine establishment, Randy Pittman, looking as an unkempt, slovenly lout! After the humiliating interview concluded, he and his two teenage sons gave me the beating of a lifetime, subjecting me to pain of indescribable proportions.
Luckily, in this day and age, bosses are no longer permitted to brutally manhandle their prospective employees. We are indeed living in a day and age of wondrous new laws and inventions, ranging from the gas-free stove to the motorized placenta! Labor laws have been erected to protect "Joe Six Pack" from being forced to dance on bar tables while his employer hurls liquor bottles at his head! Now is the time to seek out your dream job and reach for it like a six-year old child attempting to grab that elusive bottle of bleach on counter above them! Sure, it might be a difficult goal to grasp, but like that child, one day you'll soon be drinking from the bottle of success and vomiting the riches of a job well done!
The first step in "wowing" your potential employer rests in choosing the appropriate wardrobe for the interview. One of the most important things your boss notices is the garments which you chose to festively adorn yourself with. Let me illustrate this with the following scenario:
Joe and Bob are about to be interviewed for the "Associate Advisor" at IBM's nanotechnology research department. Joe shows up at the interview wearing a clean, crisp, expensive suit with gold cuffs. His shirt and tie are both straight and pressed, and his hair is impeccable. Bob appears wearing a NASCAR t-shirt, stained with blood and oil. He teeth, which haven't been brushed since the Carter administration, are rotting and falling out in clumps. Joe presents himself as an educated, intelligent man with a strong background in the nanotechnology field. Bob tries to steal all the pens from the waiting room. Joe compliments the boss on his company, and stresses his excitement to work for such an established corporation. Bob relieves himself all over the chair shortly before lighting the office on fire.
Who do you think got the job? If you guessed "Bob", you're absolutely wrong, my friend. However, if you guessed "Joe", you're wrong as well. The boss promoted his nephew to fill the position.
So, in summary, unless you're related to the boss of a large company, you will have to "dress for success". I was able to enlist the services of Mr. Richard Kyanka to demonstrate the "do's and don't do these do's" of preparing for a major job interview. On the following page, we will discuss how not to dress for this crucial moment of your life.
Can't tell a drinking fountain from a urinal? We've got you covered. Brush up on your drinking fountain enthusiast -- or sipper -- vocabulary and learn to talk and swap sips with the best of them.
2 PM: Steven J. accidentally drops his vintage Trapper Keeper, revealing erotic drawings of the ‘bunny girls’ emoji. The room draws silent. Slowly, member after member opens his/her notebooks and tablets, revealing dozens of pages of bunny girl emoji fanart. The room votes 12-0 never to speak of this again.
Something Awful Guides can help you, the Internet reader, make the most out of your life and just might possibly end up getting you incapacitated or killed!