The Sensitive Artist
If you're ever posting on a goth / poetry board, you'll definitely want to adopt this persona. The Sensitive Artist has the freedom to place in his sig file as many depressing poems or goth lyrics as they want. If using this personality, be sure to never capitalize anything or use any verb than infers more activity than blinking. Feel free to get into arguments with anybody else on the forum, as long as they're writing about racism, politics, music, or literature. You don't really have to know anything about those topics, just enough to to fill a few sentences with your opinion.
EXAMPLES. The Sensitive Artist will post the following messages:
Counter-Strike forum: "i understand, but you're not looking at this from all angles. i think trent said it best when he penned 'god money, i'd do anything for you.' counterstrike is just another cruel and heartless game that stresses how human lives are worth nothing more than a couple of dollars. the people who play it are just capitalistic sheep drones."
Star Trek forum: "the mere thought of man colonizing space and spreading his filth and disease to other planets makes me sick."
Honda Civic forums: "try taking public transportation once in a while. i'm sure everybody here enjoys injecting tons of poisons into the atmosphere and making the planet inhabitable for human life, but i actually want to be able to breathe 5 years from now. head like a hole, dark as your soul. i'd rather die than give you control. head like a hole."
Mr. "I Know a Game Developer"
Ever hear some "behind the scenes" news from somebody remotely associated with the gaming scene? If so, jump into the skin of Mr. "I Know a Game Developer" and prepare to start dropping industry names and rumors as if they're going out of style! Be sure to do a little bit of research beforehand, so you can throw around terms like "Z-buffer" and "anti-aliasing." That way people will really be aware that you know what you're talking about!
EXAMPLES. Mr. "I Know a Game Developer" will post the following messages:
Counter-Strike forum: "I was speaking to my buddy Tim Sweeney at Valve Software and he said Gooseman got an offer from Jason 'Jace' Hall at Microsoft. Jace wants him to work on the sequel to Quake, and concentrate on sound design and multiplayer engine coding. In addition, it will use T&L and DirectOpen GL."
Star Trek forum: "Xian at Ritual Entertainment said that they weren't going to license the Quake 2 engine tech to Human Head because Mike Wilson had a falling out with Gabe Newell. As a result, they had to use the Pie in the Sky software for Star Trek: Universe of Betrayal."
Honda Civic forums: "It's no Ferrarri... unlike Tim Sweeney's car! JOHN CARMACK!!!"
The Elite, Highly Advanced Forum Regular With 15 Million Posts
Many scientists can't quite figure out how the Elite, Highly Advanced Forum Regular With 15 Million Posts finds time to respond to every single thread while still being able to eat and sleep. In addition to being able to post his opinions on every single topic that enters the forum or newsgroup, the Elite, Highly Advanced Forum Regular With 15 Million Posts is able to insult all newbies and people with less posts than him (ie, everybody else). You see, a true measurement of how cool you are can be linked to your bulk number of posts, not the quality of those posts. Plus, nothing says "hip dude" quite like somebody who spends all their day refreshing a forum page and posting one-line replies just so they can watch their post count increase.
EXAMPLES. The Elite, Highly Advanced Forum Regular With 15 Million Posts will post the following messages:
Counter-Strike forum: "Oh great, another NEWBIE IDIOT."
Star Trek forum: "LOL"
Honda Civic forums: "Sure. : )"
Transgressive author Chuck Palahniuk is here to help with tips and tricks to hacking your life.
Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
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