The harlots of porn bedevil us wherever we go.
It is with a heavy heart that I must tell you something that will shock all of you. Readers know me as Zack Parsons, the upstanding guy who makes bad recursive jokes or annoying bulleted lists, but I have been hiding a dark secret. Ladies and gentlemen, I have been in the lascivious grip of pornography for the better part of my adult life. The grim succubus of hardcore girls on girls and barely legal first timer gangbangs was too much and I succumbed.
It was a whirlwind of depravity. I didn't care if they were magazines, GIFs, JPEGs, or soundless 8mm stag films being projected on the wall of an alleyway. I just had to have my pornography and the lengths I was willing to go to in order to have it grew increasingly disturbing. At first I was content to buy and download it, but that wasn't enough. I started stealing it from stores and even mugging people as they walked out of porn stores. I began carrying a black marker to scrawl pornographic graffiti wherever I went and even church pews came to bear the mark of my perversion. Finally, when I was arrested for kidnapping pornographic starlets Melanie Popshot and Candy Vagina and forcing them to perform live sex acts on each other 24 hours a day in my living room I realized that something had to be done. That and the parole board forced me into a crappy mandatory 12 step program after serving two years of my 15 year sentence.
I write this as a changed man. One who has forsaken his previous life as a porn fiend and turned to friends, family, and the love of our lord Jesus Christ to protect me from obscene acts. Recently the serious problem in our nation of pornography was addressed by no less a man than the President of the United States, George W. Bush. In a wonderful press release the President declared October 26th through November 1st national "Protection from Pornography Week".
We have committed significant resources to the Department of Justice to intensify investigative and prosecutorial efforts to combat obscenity, child pornography, and child sexual exploi-ta-tion on the Internet. We are vigorously prosecuting and severely punishing those who would harm our children. Last July, the Department of Homeland Security launched Operation Predator, an initiative to help identify child predators, rescue children depicted in child pornography, and prosecute those responsible for making and distributing child pornography.
To celebrate this exciting week I would like to share two things with you all. The first is my personal journey through recovering from the disease of pornography, and the second are the steps you can take in your life to safeguard yourself and your loved ones from porn.
Bad porn is the best place to start!
Step One: Get Rid of the Porn You Don't Like
You know all those golden shower VHS tapes you bought on a whim at a garage sale? How about that collection of latex fetish JPEGs you have that you downloaded just because you thought the model looked hot in the thumbnail but it turned out she had a horse face? Getting rid of this stuff is the first step to breaking free of the shackles of pornography. If you can lose the porn you don't like, never watch, or are even revolted by then getting rid of the stuff you do like will be that much easier. This would also be the time to get rid of the child pornography, Japanese rape porn, and that snuff film you made with the neighbor's cat.
For cathartic purposes I would suggest soaking it all with kerosene and burning it in your back yard. If you live in an urban area and can only throw it in the garbage make sure you cover all offensive material with a black permanent marker first. The last thing you want is some homeless guy rifling through your trash and finding your collection of "80 and Up Super Jugs" magazines. No, not because it's embarrassing, but because you don't want to spread the plague of pornography to someone else. The guy should be out getting a job, not jacking off to a woman with grandkids who through some sort of chromosomal disorder has breasts the size of tanker trucks.
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Elliot said my breakup must have been due to the sweater curse, an unexplained phenomenon where anyone who gives their significant other a hand-knit sweater gets dumped. The only way to break the curse, Elliot said, was to destroy the sweater.
Something Awful Guides can help you, the Internet reader, make the most out of your life and just might possibly end up getting you incapacitated or killed!