Step Two: Apologize to Everyone Your Pornography Has Hurt
Someone is hurt in the making of all pornography.
Possibly the most important thing you can do on the path to recovery is to let everyone in your life know that you're sorry your pornography has hurt them. I don't know who has been hurt by your pornography, but I'll share with you who I apologized to and why.
My boss. I apologized for repeatedly being late to work because I was waiting for a file to finish downloading so I could masturbate.
My girlfriend. I made her wear a photocopy of Jenna Jameson's ass on her face the last eight times we had sex.
My kids. For not being there for them because daddy was locked in his "special room with the screaming ladies".
My doctor. Dr. Leonard Sebastian, I'm so sorry you had to pull that out of my ass. Twice. It looked so fun in the movie.
My parents. I'm sorry about the 9,000 dollars I ran up in phone bills to live 1 on 1 lines. Despite what I said, my girlfriend's phone number isn't 1-900-XXX-GASH
My friend Chris and his wife. I'm sorry man, you were showing me your wedding photos and I snagged one when you weren't looking and then ran to the bathroom. It turned out I had snagged a photo of your newborn daughter and…I'm sorry, I jerked off anyway.
My friend Robert. I'm sorry man, but sometimes at night in bed I used to think of your mom when I was beating off. This got so bad that I had almost convinced myself that your mom was an international jewel thief and your mom was a Moroccan princess into anal.
The Cook County Corrections Department. Those seven incidences on my permanent record of "hurling bodily fluids at an officer" were not me throwing spit like I said.
You may also want to apologize to people within the pornographic industry, but if you're anything like me this would be impractical for the sort of personal apologies you're supposed to offer. In my case I printed a form letter, signed it by hand, and then mailed apology letters to all 9,473 of the porn stars who I could find some sort of contact information for. Most of the amateurs were out of luck and I couldn't understand the Japanese postal system.
Step Three: Eliminate Sexual Aids from Your Life
Pornography can cause you to become too reliant on masturbation as a sexual outlet and this can lead to the use of what some would call "toy" or sexual aids. Of course masturbation is always a sin in the eyes of God, but before you can get the masturbating monkey off of your back you need to get rid of the paraphernalia that deepens the depravity of the act. As a survivor of pornography I know just how difficult this step can be. You grow to have a personal attachment to your realistic latex vagina and anus of Stephanie Swift. You give a name to anal beads you tenderly feed up your backside while strangling yourself with a silk ligature.
Remember, they're just objects. They won't miss the inside of your ass or the loving crust you have painstakingly applied one coat at a time to their cold and unfeeling artificial womb. They can't share your life's experiences with you, cook you dinner, or drain that hard-to-reach cyst on your back in the shower like a real woman. They won't take care of your children while you're out with the guys. When you're out with the guys your kids will be getting into that box containing your black rubber dildo and handgun, and both are equally dangerous for them to have.
So put the torch to them! Set fire to that vagina with real human hair and battery powered "gripping action". Watch them burn with the satisfaction of knowing that you are free!
Step Four: Time to Free Yourself Completely!
This is it! This is the big step where you at last completely remove pornography from your life. It can be hard but the beauty of this six step program is that by this point you should have built up a momentum that makes this much easier.
Start with your computer. Sift through the porn stash you have clever named "Work Documents" and begin deleting all of the hundreds of MPEGs, AVIs, and various pictures you have collected over the years. You should have already cleaned out the horrible stuff, so all that remains should be the lean of your digital porn collection. I know you may hesitate when deleting that clip of the girl who looks exactly like Liv Tyler going down on the girl who looks exactly like Sarah Michelle Gellar, but you've got to do it! If it's any comfort, should you relapse you won't have trouble finding these video clips again. The sad truth is the Internet is just an iron cauldron holding the content-soup of pornography.
The hard-copy porn should be dealt with in the severest manner possible. When I was getting rid of my 980 interactive sex simulation DVDs I chose to use a medieval pike that I had constructed in all of the spare time I have now that I'm not watching pornography constantly! After a few hours of hacking the discs and cases to pieces I got tired, so I took the rest of them into the back yard and blew them up with several pipe bombs I had manufactured. That worked, but if it hadn't I had brewed up an entire batch of napalm in my spare time and would have loved to see that stuff incinerated. If you're not into the dramatic then feel free to just throw your porn away, just remember to deface it so that it can't be used by an impressionable workers at the garbage dump.
Did Louis C.K. jerk off in front of two female comics? And why are these ladies squandering an opportunity to learn from a comedy legend?
Elliot said my breakup must have been due to the sweater curse, an unexplained phenomenon where anyone who gives their significant other a hand-knit sweater gets dumped. The only way to break the curse, Elliot said, was to destroy the sweater.
Something Awful Guides can help you, the Internet reader, make the most out of your life and just might possibly end up getting you incapacitated or killed!