Step Five: Stop Jerking and Start Living
There are many patriotic and Christian things you can do in your new life.
Now that you and pornography have parted ways there's still one nasty little bad habit that you've got to deal with; masturbation. Not only is masturbation a horror visited upon your body in and of itself, but it's also a gateway to pornography. It will take a lot of willpower and possibly self-flagellation to keep you away from touching yourself indecently, but you can do it. Remember that every time you jerk off it's like your jerking off God, because God is there wherever you are, and God HATES handjobs. He hates them so much that if you died while beating off he would condemn you instantly to hell. So let God be your crutch and fill your free time with one of many hobbies that are both more fun and more rewarding than masturbation.
Far be it for me to tell you what hobby to take up. Instead I'll offer some of the hobbies I have tried in my local journey through personal growth and away from the terrorism of pornography.
Try mowing the lawn. The lawn may not need mowing, or it may even be winter, but just pacing the periphery of your property can be very exciting. I know that personally I notice something new every time I walk my yard. Why just yesterday I saw a squirrel eating acorns that had fallen from a tree. A squirrel! Just like in a zoo or on TV but there it was, only a few feet away. I tried to introduce myself but I don't think it heard me.
Smoking cigarettes is a great way to escape the urges of masturbation and pornography. I can spend hours on end just enjoying the rich flavor of tobacco offered up by Marlboro brand cigarettes. The best part of smoking is that the Bible doesn't say a thing about them! Not a thing! That means God loves cigarettes.
Playing Christian computer games is an absolute hoot and it can be fun for the whole family. Be careful, some games may seem like they are Christian, like this one game called "Messiah" that was just weird and violent. I stick mainly to a small developer called Xian Xtreme that produces a number of sports games that incorporate Biblical themes. Great Flood Mega Wakeboarding is my favorite, followed closely by Dance Dance Abraham.
Television has gotten out of hand these days with sex. A few weeks ago was the last time I watched anything not shown between noon and six in the evening and I swear on the Bible itself that I saw Dan Rather kissing a man on TV. Since that moment I have turned to the best TV set ever made; the one God built in my head called my imagination! Sometimes I will gather my family and we will all sit in chairs and face the wall and just describe what we see there. I like to see people being eaten by lions and my girlfriend says she sees me finally getting out of bankruptcy and getting a real job. We have a lot of fun together!
Wow, that's a lot of fun I'm having without any pornography! Thanks God! If those ideas don't appeal to you I'm sure you can pray for an idea about what to do with all of your free time. God is the best think tank in all of his creation.
Step Six: A Life of Freedom
They will lure. They will tempt. But they must not win.
When you've reached step six it's time to give yourself a pat on the back! You've freed yourself from pornography and masturbation and you're ready to start planning for the rest of your life. Did you know that people who abstain from masturbation and refuse to view pornography live, on average, 50 years longer than other people? That sure is something to think about.
One of the biggest problems with pornography is the likelihood of recidivism. Mainstream America and today's criminal liberal media encourages a break from the Christian values the built this nation. It's an atmosphere that helps the big business of pornography prosper and as much as you try you will come into contact with the traces of pornography. Whether you're watching the 700 Club on TV or just driving along the Interstate you will encounter sexual advertising, sexual imagery, and sometimes people actually having sex along the roadside.
Powerful lobby groups are working to change all that, but in the mean time you need to plan and prepare for the eventuality that you will find yourself face to face with that poisonous snake called porn. There are three things to remember in the event that this happens, things that will allow you to escape the situation without succumbing to the lures of pornography.
Pornography can't chase you! When you see pornography, get away from it. Run, drive, or jump out of a window, whatever it takes to prevent you from being confronted with raw and Non-Christian images of human sexuality.
Pornography doesn't know where you live! Get away from this nasty and vulgar society we live in by spending as much time as possible in a windowless room praying. You don't even need lights in the room because God provides the best illumination ever made. If your past involvement with pornography has placed you on hundreds of pornographic mailing lists you can throw that garbage where it belongs; in the circular file!!!
Pornography is literally made out sin! That's not paper, that is layers of sin. Those video files are made out of a Satanic code invisible to all but the most Christian computer programmer. Touching or interacting with any of it may rub off like germs or may infect your computer like a virus. Even some viruses have pornographic names like "Trojans". Stay safe and stay away from the destructive sin of pornography!
Well God bless us all! You just made it through the six steps to saving yourself from one of the most dangerous diseases on the planet. You have a rewarding Christian life free of pornography ahead of you, so join me in living it.
Cons: causes bad nightmares. I used to have to eat beef until I passed out to have these kind of terrors, but this machine does it for me every time I fall asleep inside it.
Sorry about the blurry photo. I was lunging at my phone, yelling at it to take a clear picture. It's the only image of me that exists. I'd take another picture for you, but I'm in the middle of a rigorous trampoline session.
Something Awful Guides can help you, the Internet reader, make the most out of your life and just might possibly end up getting you incapacitated or killed!