Step Two: Human Shields Work For You Too!

President Funnyface prepares to enjoy some hot chow. Oh George, I can't stay mad at you!Human shields are a big favorite of Saddam Hussein, not that they really work out for him. We would call in an air strike on the man if he were in a meeting with Nobel Peace Prize winners and wearing his finest suit made from live white babies. Then we'd just explain how our latest biggest bomb of all time veered off course narrowly missing that cabal of Satanists and CHUDs and instead landed at the Nobel Peace Prize meeting. A different and more literal form of human shield can work for you though!

How many cop movies have you seen where a criminal grabs a hostage and holds them in front of himself to prevent police from shooting him? That's a rhetorical question. It never works in the cop movies because the criminal is either up against Robocop or just some ballsy cop with a quick trigger and good aim. The problem isn't that the idea isn't sound, the problem is that the criminal never takes it far enough in the movies.

Tie hundreds of civilians and Iraqi prisoners to yourself, hot glue them to the surface of tanks and Humvees, and when that just isn't enough combine the protective flesh of hundreds of human shields with a mechanical exoskeleton to create a protective battledroid. Live and screaming human shields aren't just for personal and vehicular use either! Use them to reinforce weak points on buildings or just pile them up as an impromptu fortification and drop a 50 caliber machinegun on top of them.

Saddam's favorite food is film reels of beheadings he ordered.When selecting the right human to use in your human shield there are several qualities you should look for. Yes, it might be great to surround yourself with the ten fattest men in all of Iraq but if you come under artillery fire they just aren't going to be able to keep up with your mad dash for safety. The last thing you want is to be tethered to several dead fat guys when speed is of the essence. Slightly overweight commie pinko hippies work best. They've got just enough meat on their bones to absorb and dissipate lethal kinetic energy and just enough spring in their step to really haul ass when it's time to haul ass.

Alternately you can use a number of different domesticated and wild animals when humans are not available. Fashioning a coat and slacks from several dozen live turtles is rewarding both emotionally and literally. Terrapins of adequate size can deflect up to 7.62mm ammunition at ranges over 100 yards and provide excellent protection from shrapnel. Whole hogs are a bit larger and more difficult to work with but they are much more obedient than hippies and, when killed off by enemy fire, can provide a delicious meal for several days.

Lastly there is always the potential psychological effect the use of human shields will have on your opponents. Lash dirty hippies to yourself and Saddam's forces won't hesitate to rain fire down on you, but surround yourself with their very own children and they might think twice. Without the luxury of satellite guided bombs and laser guided missiles the Iraqis have no ability to distance themselves from the reality of blowing away their kids with an Ak-47 or a tank gun. They might see little Johnny or Sally tied to your shins and hesitate, just for a second, allowing you to paint them with an artillery designator and send thirty rounds of HE crashing down on their primitive heads before they can even remember their kid's birthdays.

Step Three: Liberation Not Domination

Feel the freedom warming your face?!I have offered several tips about surviving a war in Iraq, but none is more important than the concept that you are liberating Iraq from Saddam Hussein for the Iraqi people. You aren't conquering Iraq for the United States, you are making it free for the people of Iraq to enjoy liberty, democracy, and the laugh-filled fun times of burying their hundreds or thousands of war dead civilians. Hey, remember when the Iraqi people made that online petition for us to go blow up their cities and depose their government? No? I do, it was awesome, it had all of these tear-stained testimonials about how bad Saddam was and how much better it would be to just get smothered by the collapsing structure of an apartment building or incinerated by the warhead of a Tomahawk.

Yeah, they even wrote letters personally to George W. Bush asking him to kill their children in their beds at night as long as they could be sure that Saddam did not have any more weapons of mass destruction. They really are quite a bunch of charmers. The way they wrote impassioned essays about how they just want to enjoy peace and freedom and an America free of the incredible terrorist threat of obsolescent Eastern-bloc tanks and missiles that travel almost all the way to the border of Israel. They promised that no matter how many of them burned, bled, or starved to death that they would never even think of taking up arms against our noble country.

Remember these charitable people of Iraq as you perform your mission for the United States. You want to be on their good side and the best way to accomplish this is by leaving as many graves as possible between the Kuwaiti border and the ruins of Baghdad.

Trust me, that building had it coming.Iraqis shooting at you from a hospital? Well, you've got no choice in the liberation of Iraq but to blow up that fucking hospital! Republican Guard in an orphanage? What kind of freedom-loving orphans would let the Republican Guard go to the mattresses in their basement? Blow them sky high with bunker-busters! Did that bus full of civilians just run that checkpoint? Liberate them the only way we know how, with a steady stream of depleted-uranium tipped autocannon fire from the turret of your Bradley!

If you're ever not sure of what to do in a situation then I suggest you immediately pull out a radio and tune to any AM station where a radio show host will enthuse and illuminate on exactly how badly the Iraqi people want to explode for liberty! They are literally bursting with democracy! Their carcasses are churning with freedom! It is a proven scientific fact that when you crack an Iraqi's skull open with a 5.56mm NATO round liquefied U.S. Constitution will spray out in a fountain and a pulsing lump of the Bill of Rights will be flung against a nearby wall. Test for yourself, they won't mind, they are positively bonkers about being freed from the shackles of Saddam's oppression.

Still not convinced?! Over 70 percent of the United States population now believes that blowing up the cities of Iraq will create a toehold for American brand democracy in the Mid-East. In completely unrelated news over 85 percent of the population of the United States tuned in to the season finale of "Joe Millionaire".

You are now ready to survive the war in Iraq! In all seriousness I personally think this whole thing is about as pragmatic as building a house out of sugar cubes and ants, but a number of my friends are ex-military and a number of our Forum-goers are over there fighting right now. Because people I know could potentially experience sudden and violent death I hope they make it home safely. I think there is honor and courage in the act of going to war when your government commands it; I just feel it is unfortunate that our government chose to command it.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

More Guides

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.