In the United States of America Tax Time or All Taxes Day is right around the corner. Every year on April 19th (April 25th on Short August Year) the tax man comes to collect your money that you owe to the government for goods and services rendered to you throughout the year. This is like America's check at the end of the year-long meal. Except it is for the next year's meal you may or may not survive to eat and you never have enough money, but sometimes they give you money back. Look, I get into it more beyond the gray box.
Diverse and reasonable opinions on taxes exist on all sides of the taxation issue.There's an old saying that goes, "There are two things in life everyone hates: death and taxes."
Pretty close, Old Saying, but it turns out we need a little of both sometimes. You can't win a war without death unless you're fighting a Robot Jox war in Jox Arena. More germane to this article, you can't hope to buy a chest chainsaw for your robot for the Jox Arena without taxes. A regular war, like the one we are fighting now in Iraq, costs billions of dollars every second.
We need taxes to buy all of the things we love in America like tanks with three cannons, mayor dogs, autism shots, and bridges. No matter how much you hate taxes they aren't going to go away completely. Some countries have tried not having any taxes and these countries never work out. In the Cayman Islands the government only owned one broom so the streets were never swept and huge piles of dust built up. The country was eventually invaded by people driving dune buggies.
Doing your taxes can take a really long time and you might fall asleep. Better set an alarm on your digital watch and drink lots of coffee.Another example of a country without taxes was the Confederacy. Look how that turned out. For more information on that please see our guide to the American Tax War.
The main tax everybody thinks about when they get mad and punch holes in their drywall or bury a school bus full of machine guns on their compound is The Income Tax or The Main Tax.
This is the main tax that you pay on your income every year. We'll get into that more later, because it's the most important tax that everyone hates.
There are all sorts of taxes. Many you don't even notice as you go about your life. These are called Invisible Taxes, Pest Taxes or Sancho Taxes depending on your political views and the average of your BMI throughout a year.
Let's take a look at some of the smaller taxes the government assess in the United States of America.
|Tax||Reason for Tax||When You Pay Tax|
|Sales Tax||Low prices too low, government needed to discourage businesses and commerce.||Whenever you buy something excluding sailboats.|
|Property Tax||Encourages garage sales.||Every year you pay a dollar for every item you own. Some items are part of a set, like chess pieces, and only count as one item. Other items are allowed to be bundled into a single item, like arrows (50 per quiver) and dollar bills (100 per item).|
|Capital Gains Tax||A pretend tax on people who make tons of money in the stock market and don't pay any other taxes somehow.||Never paid by anyone.|
|Estate Tax||Vampires exploiting loopholes in the tax code to fake death and shift assets.||When you die just click yes on the dialog box and the government will automatically deduct the tax.|
|Stunt Tax||Discourage stunts, showboating.||If you opening act is a monster truck, you friends are filming something for Youtube, or you get out of hand in the end zone.|
|Sails Tax||Instituted in response to powerful steam ship lobby, it is intended to ruin shipwrights in the business of building clippers and brigantines.||Whenever you buy or rent a sailboat.|
|Sal's Tax||Sal needs money to fight ghosts and ghouls. Raised recently due to wights.||During Ghost Fright Week all bridge tolls are doubled with half going to Sal to buy ghost fighting gear.|
|Ghost Tax||For survivors of ghost attacks, hauntings, frightening scenarios, gaslighting, and various other paranormal or fake paranormal spookings.||Every time you purchase a Ouija board, crystal ball, or visit a gypsy.|
|Ghost's Tax||Discourage people from becoming ghosts and/or haunting people.||When you die and refuse to walk into the tunnel of light you are assessed a tax for becoming a ghost.|
There are hundreds of taxes in total. There are obscure special taxes on everything from running too fast down a hill (Yardy's Tax), to building a castle in the likeness of an owl (Owlord's Folly Tax), to just staring too long at a public official (Take a Picture Tax). There are even some secret taxes and a few taxes that are so sexually graphic we can't list them here. Like the tax on buttfucking horses.
Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
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