STEP 4: Configure your BIOS and install your OS.

A typical BIOS menu.Every motherboard has a configurable BIOS, a basic operating system which tells your computer exactly when and how to malfunction. High end motherboards usually offer advanced BIOS options, providing the power user additional exciting ways to destroy every piece of installed hardware. Many choices can be tweaked to your personal liking, but the following options should always be set exactly as follows:

EVGA DROOP CONTROL: ENABLED
IOH VCORE: 900V
SOMETHING SOMETHING SOMETHING CPU SOMETHING: YES
USE HARD DRIVES: YES
AUTOMATICALLY FLASH BIOS WITH NEWEST UNSTABLE VERSION: YES
GARTER BELT AND LACY STOCKINGS TONIGHT: YES
LEPRECHAUN: BACK 2 THA HOOD

Huh?Now your computer is ready for the final step: installation of the operating system. There are many different OSes to choose from, the most popular including:

Windows XP: A stable, reliable fan favorite, popular amongst people who have nothing better to do than spend time reinstalling their OS every three months. Supports nearly all software, hardware, and viruses.

Windows Vista: The sequel to Windows XP, in the same sense that The Mask's sequel was Son of the Mask. A majority of launch bugs were solved with the first service pack, although Microsoft has yet to solve its core flaw of being a Windows product.

Linux: Linux users are the people who spend all day working on their cars but never actually drive them. Running even the most simple program in Linux requires the user to navigate through a labyrinth of terror full of mummies and obese bearded men who smell like depressed onions.

OS X Leopard: Steve Jobs forbids you to install this on your PC and your computer will explode if an install disc gets within a 500-foot radius of it. This is explicitly mentioned in Leopard's EULA.

After the OS has been installed, you must go on an internet treasure hunt to find all the arcane, outdated drivers needed to make the stressful yellow exclamation marks disappear from your device manager window. Every version of Windows has a helpful "add new hardware" wizard which automatically connects to the central Microsoft driver database and informs you it can't find any drivers for anything, because the central Microsoft driver database only contains one item, a configuration file for the shareware version of Wacky Wheels. You can search for your drivers on Google, but all results will lead to shady sites asking for $20 for FILE DOWNLOAD PASS PLATINUM, a 50-meg download that keeps all your drivers up-to-date by replacing your desktop with a giant ad for Lithuanian dick pills.

Congratulations! You now have a fully functional computer or you have given up and bought some crappy laptop from Dell that has a bunch of dumb fig leaves and birds etched all over it. Enjoy the exciting, dynamic world of personal computing, and feel free to give me a virtual "hello" next time you see me internetting it up!

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@lowtax)

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