It has recently come to my attention that the world is going to end on Saturday, May 21st. If you are reading this article at a date later than 05-21-11, then... I hate to be the one to break it to you... but you somehow missed it. Maybe you slept through it, or you possess very poor observational skills. Regardless, as a selfless public service for the betterment of mankind, I have created this FAQ to help the ignorant masses by answering the most common questions or concerns regarding this incredible event. In addition to educating people, this will undoubtedly help me get into Heaven, which is going to be totally awesome and will suck for you since, if you are reading Something Awful, you're undoubtedly some sort of horrible deviant sociopath.
The Official Rapture / End of the World FAQ
Q: Can I bring any stuff with me to Heaven?
A: Yes! Any items within a five-foot radius of you will arrive with you once you reach Heaven. This includes anything you ate, or is located inside your person (pacemakers, adamantium skeletons, parasites, smaller people, sex toys, etc). This will also include a nearby portion of the bed you slept on when the world ended. If you sleep on the floor, then the portion of the floor will come, but none of the foundation surrounding it. Also you can't sleep on top of an evil person to try and get them into Heaven, since that would technically make you evil and ruin your chances of ascension. If you happen to sleep in a friend's car, you might want to warn them it will be ruined.
Q: What time will the world end?
A: 11:59 PM, CST, after all your favorite TV shows are over.
Q: What should I do in preparation for the end of the world?
A: Run up a lot of credit card debt, preferably by purchasing SA Forums Accounts.
Q: Do unborn fetuses inside pregnant women get to go with them, or are they treated as separate individuals?
A: As proven in the first question, anything inside a woman goes along with her. This is why I have spent the last ten years of my life isolating and extracting the gene responsible for evil. I have artificially inseminated an anonymous, wholesome Christian woman, impregnating her with a baby containing DNA modified for evil. Once she gets into Heaven, gives birth, and the baby becomes 18 years old, it will turn evil and rob the defenseless Heaven, turning over all its riches to me. If you purchase a SA Forum Account and 10 custom titles, I promise you a share of the loot (I will also bring the SA purchase logs into heaven with me).
Q: Will it hurt? (asked by Pedrophile)
A: Yes, it will be the worst pain you have ever experienced! You will be traveling at a whole hell of a lot of a miles per hour when your soul is whisked away from Earth, resulting in either minor chafing or first-degree burns. Make certain to cover yourself in Vaseline before you go to sleep Friday night, assuming you don't already.
Q: I hate pooping, do I gotta poop in heaven? (asked by Drunk & Ugly)
A: You don't have to do anything you do not want to do in Heaven! To offset this, people in Hell have to poop twice as much. This phenomenon is known as "Einstein's Least Popular Law."
Q: What about those of us who are neither good nor evil? I feel those of us who are neutral deserve representation in heaven, too. (asked by Air Julio)
A: Being neutral is evil. You know that saying about people standing by and doing nothing while evil happens? Or that other phrase about the dude who put his hand over his face when evil guys came and abducted various groups of people over and over again? And then the evil guys eventually came for him and he was unable to do anything because he suffocated to death from covering his nose and mouth for so long? Those people are evil. You're either a 1 (good) or a -1 (evil)... zero is a lie invented by the devil and / or the liberal left.
Q: So who's end of the world is it? I got 3 days to do some hardcore converting, and I don't wanna back the wrong horse by accident. (asked by shotgunbadger)
A: It's Biblecentric. That means anybody who does anything related to the Bible qualifies for salvation. This includes people who:
Physically displace it, perhaps while working for a moving company or a book store liquidator
You do not need to necessarily convert people to a particular religion, you simply need to get them interested in the Bible. There are many easy ways to do this; you can say "hey, bet you $10 that you can't get interested in the Bible!" Make sure to pay them $10 afterwards, or else you will go to hell because you broke the one commandment about reneging on dares. Or put a $10 bill in the Bible and give it to somebody after they say to you, "man, I sure wish I had $10. I'd do anything to get $10, including open up a book... any book!" The act of merely opening up a Bible counts. For each person you successfully introduce to the Bible, you receive 1 (one) Holy Pointztm, which will count towards Judgement Day and be redeemed for fabulous prizes.
Q: As I'm revising my recent acts of charity I'm suddenly self-conscious that my holiness may not be up to par for Saturday. How should I ensure I won't get sidelined? Is it mainly old or new testament stuff that'll land you the largest net benefit in Peter points? I mean much of the sacrificing eldest sons and murdering all the firstborns largely fell out of fashion around 1 AD, but still, rapture is a pretty OT deal. What should I do? Little of both? Kicking butt as I'm turning cheeks? (asked by Karate Bastard)
A: If you are looking for the most time-efficient way to score maximum Holy Pointztm, I would recommend the aforementioned "tricking people into reading the Bible" method. Each successful roll against NPC Bible Avoidance nets you +1 Holy Pointztm, which you can compare against the leaderboards (available starting this Saturday). Here are some simple and easy ways to get people interested in the Bible:
Throw a Bible at them
Drop a Bible on them (from an open window, mountain, plane, etc)
Replace something they own with a Bible (such as their car or wife)
Glue a Bible to them
When they talk to you, respond by only repeating the word "Bible"
Ask them if they want to see a movie, and if they say "yes" then take them to a Bible. If they say "no" then take them to two Bibles.
Invite them to a Bible Game. If they ask what it is, tell them it's a popular new sport that's sweeping the nation by storm. Then give them a Bible and say "looks like the Home Team is winning!" Feel free to cheer if you are striving for authenticity.
Q: Does it need to be a physical bible? Or can I just link my friends to a website with bible quotes? (asked by bunnyofdoom)
A: It has to be a physical Bible, and not one of those novelty Bibles that are super tiny or contain drawings or ads for law firms on the back.
Do you wish to know what computers will be doing in the year to come? With a sigh I shall exert the minimal effort it takes to reveal all. Feel free to print out these predictions and share them with your friends via fax.
Old mixed signals feeling a little stale? Try some new ones!
day 2: still working on the car
Something Awful Guides can help you, the Internet reader, make the most out of your life and just might possibly end up getting you incapacitated or killed!