Q: What are the activities like in Heaven? Do we get to do fun stuff like rock climbing and monopoly or is it all contemplation of ones existence and stuff? (asked by rocket_Magnet)
A: Heaven offers countless fun, exciting, wonderful activities to enjoy! The most popular activities in Heaven include:
1) Being in Heaven,
2) Talking about Heaven,
3) Thinking about Heaven.
There are many other fantastic and wonderful things to do in Heaven but you have to sign up for them first and to be honest I never bothered looking at the list (it was long and printed in a questionable font).
Q: Unfortunately, I feel I might have sinned a bit too much to go to heaven this year. If it were next year, I think I could have gotten some accounting done on my soul and maybe balanced it out. Is there a grace period on The Rapture or is this a "while supplies last" type thing? (asked by Kirtan)
A: Sorry, the world ends this Saturday, and currently has no plans to end again in the future. While I understand your plight, you ultimately have nobody to blame but yourself. If you would have paid attention to all the ads on the sides of buses and walls - like a good Christian - you would've never gotten into this mess to begin with. As clearly stated in Ruth 1:
19 So the two women went on until they came to Bethlehem. When they arrived in Bethlehem, they gazed upon countless placards clearly displaying, in perfect typeface, the date when the world shall end. 20 Ruth spoke to Naomi "we have fortuned for we have paid attention to the many large paid advertisements on the sides of those buses." 21 This confused the town, as buses had not yet been invented. Without haste, a bus appeared from the Heavens above, and the two were overjoyed. 22 Thus Naomi and Ruth engaged in a high-five. This, too, confused the town.
Q: Is it a long trip to heaven? I am wondering if I need to deposit a good book upon my person. (asked by Fire_Monkey)
A: Yes, it is a long trip. Unfortunately, as a safety precaution, you cannot access any of your carry-ons during the flight. Can you imagine the effect on the universe if you tried to play your Sega Gamegear during the Rapture, and it fell out of your hands and landed on an alien world? You would risk angering and offending an entire planet with terrible battery life.
Q: What if I am having sex around the time of the rapture? Will I be allowed to finish before being taken up? (asked by FaceTime)
A: No! In all honesty, your body will probably end up ejaculating during the trip to Heaven, due to the atmospheric pressure changes, wind speeds, and barometric pressure or whatever. So unless you want to have sex with wind, you'd better finish all that shit up by nighttime.
Q: I'm gay can I go to heaven? (asked by thiscommercialsucks)
A: Gay people are not allowed in Heaven, because it's illegal to be gay in Heaven. You can go to Gay Heaven though, which is also known as Straight Person Hell.
Q: Should I set my Farmville crops to grow the slowest crop, just in case the line at the Gates is really long? (asked by jerkstore77)
A: All your Farmville property will follow you to Heaven. You will be responsible for its maintenance and upkeep, and since nothing can die in Heaven, you will be farming your stupid virtual plot of fake land for the rest of infinity. Good luck!
Q: Will there be any negotiating for my entrance to heaven? I think I'm basically a good person but that might not be immediately obvious to whoever is controlling the guest list. Will I have a chance to talk my way in? (asked by Idleminds)
A: As the popular phrase goes, "when God closes a door, he opens a window." This means that although God may shut you out of Heaven because you're a terrible person, there's always a way to break in! The easiest way to illegally enter Heaven is by eating an entire ladder the night before you die, then vomiting it up once you arrive for judgement. Reassemble the ladder, then use it to climb through an open window! Instant salvation! If somebody asks you why you're climbing in through Heaven's window, tell them "it was like that when I got here," and then immediately begin walking away, refusing to explain.
Q: I'm guessing God is really quite tall. Will stilts be provided, or should we take our own? (asked by Stoatbringer)
A: As previously mentioned, God is everywhere, so he's both tall AND short. Stilts are not required, but if you want to bring them, you can follow the previous example and eat them the previous night, then vomit them up when you arrive in Heaven (see: ladders). I'm sure God would love to speak with a self-professed fan standing on a pair of broken stilts covered in vomit and stomach acid!
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Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to enslave humanity.)
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
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