"Being a Succulent Wild Woman. Be delicious. Eat mangos naked, lick the juice off your arms. Discover your own goodness. Smile when you feel like it. Be rare, eccentric and original. Describe yourself as marvelous. Paint your soul. Investigate your dark places with a flashlight. Make more mistakes. Tell the truth faster. Celebrate your gorgeous friendships with women. You are enough, you have enough, you do enough." (Skymall)
P: "Lose your job as a kindergarten teacher."
N: "Learn your heartsong."
P: "Fondue with your asshole."
N: "Touch a piece of celebration of youth and zesty lucky lime [sic]."
P: "Touch a piece of cellulite."
N: "Take a menopause."
P: "Have a hot flash of intuition."
N: "Suffer from AWESOMEoporosis!"
P: "Break a leg, not your hipbone."
N: "End the sentence of your period!"
P: "Picture your ideal estrogentleman."
N: "Embrace your dusty, barren womb."
P: "Preserve your furniture by draping them with your labia."
N: "Envision your divorce as a 'womanvorce!'"
N: "Make friends with your salad!"
P: "Return to the age you never mentally progressed past."
N: "Think of your arm flab as arm FAB!"
P: "Enter pre-hab."
N: "Step out of the shower in front of your inner child."
P: "Match your eyeshadow to your liver spots."
N: "Be somewhat of an embarrassment."
P: "Thwart the patriarchy by disposing of your bra in an environmentally friendly way."
N: "Call somebody 'hon' today."
P: "Stop visits from grandchildren."
N: "Lie to the solitude."
P: "Say something vaguely suggestive to the 16-year-old checkout boy that you later can recount to your bridge group."
N: "Remove cap before recycling."
P: "Use a flashlight to investigate your dark parts / enhance campfire ghost stories."
N: "Use a flashlight to investigate the disappearance of the McCory twins behind old Mr. Sneery's amusement park."
P: "Use a laser scope to pinpoint the few remaining spots you can feel in your dark places."
N: "Follow an old treasure map and later realize the real treasure was how much you learned about yourself along the way."
P: "Snuggle with a cute animal you've projected all hopes and dreams of human contact on, like Jesus exorcising Legion into the swine."
N: "Rediscover your childmagination!"
P: "Rediscover -- or discover for the first time! -- your hermaphroditic qualities."
N: "Defeat your dignity!"
P: "Lock yourself in a mental prison for years of inner child abuse."
N: "Eat a full rack of ribs naked."
P: "Read a saucy romance novel and picture the protagonist approaching you at Safeway."
N: "Get another cat."
P: "Ask yourself where all the goddamn pillows came from."
N: "Get another cat."
P: "Turn the blanket around so you can actually read what's written on it."
N: "Pee a little when you sneeze."
P: "Ignore that when draped on your bulbous torso the blanket says 'Being a Sucko Woman.'"
N: "Pretend God isn't a man."
P: "Guilt neighborhood kids into listening to the time you went skinny-dipping with your sorority back in the '70s."
N: "Learn to use an e-mail."
P: "Buy a second blanket and pretend you're married to a man that understands how you feel but just left to go to the bathroom or fetch some more mangoes or flashlight batteries."
N: "Write to a felon."
P: "Play off as clumsiness your attempt to discretely palm an extra Vagina Monologues ticket to the 16-year-old cashier."
N: "Fantasize about using a TiVo to record your stories while you're at the grocer's before you remember you have trouble setting your alarm clock."
P: "Knit baby socks that will never again touch human flesh."
N: "Dutifully use teeth-whitening strips every night for three months only to have no one notice anything."
P: "Whisper to your cunt."
Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.
A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.
Expendable? You must be joking.
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