Firsthand Account
00:18The film opens with the deceptively peaceful imagery of computer-generated birds taking flight above computer-generated landscapes. A swallow soars over vineyards. SCAT SWAPPING SCHOOL SWALLOW. Is there some relation between the bird and the title? I put it out of my mind.01:03
Three women are sitting at school desks and a fourth woman is standing up as if she is their teacher. Why are there Mickey Mouse dolls leaned up against the wall?04:53
The teacher has been writing catchprases from Something Awful on the chalkboard with chalk. She has written "Pak Chooie Unf" from Lowtax's famous Space Robot Bonanza prank on the chalkboard. I don't know what the exact opposite emotion to ecstatic would be, but I'm fairly sure that emotion would be Lowtax's reaction to hearing the news.05:15
She's dropped the chalk. I think it's about to start.08:28
They are all disrobing. Each of them is ugly in their own unique way. I take some small consolation from the fact that nothing beautiful will be ruined by this video.09:12
The teacher has a finger up her butt. They seem very excited about this.15:33
The girls are taking turns on the teacher's butthole with fingers and tongues. I don't feel sick yet, although I feel a general malaise.21:18
One of the girl's fingers is caked in feces. She is licking it off with feigned joy. Her acne reminds me of the texture of an oil painting.21:47
The teacher's distended anus is thrust skyward and aimed by hand. A girl squats over her. This is the dolorous stroke.22:31
It began so suddenly I scarcely had time to gag. Serpentine coils of battery brown, here and there a nut or piece of corn, heaped high on the teacher's anus. Between smiles and giggles they look as if they might cry. Perhaps it is my imagination. I am shaken.25:46
They are feeding huge handfuls to one another. Their eyes roll back and they gag. The earth has cracked open and hell flows out in a great brown river.29:08
It is smeared all over their faces and breasts. They swallow with effort. The sound is like applying paste slowly and carefully to the back of a construction-paper owl. I see myself in their eyes. We want to die.34:16
They're trying to load the feces back into one of the girl's buttholes. It's everywhere by now. The way a fog blankets the hills of a village in Basque. I see a lone goat, a bell jangling around its neck. It bleats and leaps into the air, exploding in a welter of 98 degree shit. I do not vomit.40:24
They're caked with filth. It must smell like an abattoir in that tiny room. Innards and death. I vomit without looking away. I feel linked to them. I must endure. Is it possible to die from looking at something?45:00
A woman is defecating an immense, gnarled, mahogany log. I laugh despite the tangy snot oozing from my nose and the vomit matting my beard. Through some biological oddity the woman is expelling trapped liquid through a small channel in the middle of the turd as it emerges from her rectum. It is as if a cobblestone phallus is dropping from her bowel to urinate. I see nature in all its myriad splendors.54:50
Almost over, yet each second seems an eternity. My empathy for these women has evaporated. Too much indignity, too great a volume of feces passed from one colon to the next. I no longer see them as human. They are pale apes covered in argil. Their simian brains are insufficient for the task of comprehending their transgressions against Odin. I want to dash their heads open with a rock.56:28
One has just vomited a great quantity of watery red lumps on the backside of another. Vomit seems so innocent. I feel a strange urge to protect it from them. Preserve it as a taboo for less terrible peoples.59:50
They are now all covered in shit and vomiting into one another's mouths, like mother birds that have absent-mindedly built their nests in the skim tanks of a waste treatment plant. "I nourish you," I imagine them saying to one another. Somewhere pus issues from a teet into the mouth of a babe, rancid and sour, corrupting what it touches. This taint spreads of its own accord.1:01:22
They're laughing. It's over. I check my revolver but I have fired off my last cartridge at an Indian I caught eating a discarded shoe from my trash. I place the pistol to my temple and pull the trigger anyway. One of them seems to be crying. Click. Click. Click.
This is what I have seen. I have taken a few pictures to share with you. If you have made it this far into this abominable article then you are most likely determined to see this endeavor through. Go ahead and view the images, but be warned that they become progressively worse. View them at your own peril.
Image You Should Not View Ever #1
Image You Should Not View Ever #2
Image You Should Not View Ever #3
Image You Should Not View Ever #4
Image You Should Not View Ever #5
Image You Should Not View Ever #6
I have little else to add to this description other than to place it in the context of my larger viewing experience. Beyond what I have reviewed in this column over the years I have also seen videos of murders carried out in great detail, videos of horses having sex with people to the point of death and all manner of urination, vomit and live-eel related video. While many of the videos I have just listed are rather unpleasant, none approaches the sheer squalor of this video. It is seemingly endless in duration and each new second brings with it a new horror. Make no effort to find SWAP.avi. Make no attempt to download it for "a laugh". It will change you in ways you will not fully understand for at least a decade.
The Horror: This video is one constant shrill scream of horror. The first minute or so may fool you into thinking it is simply disgusting or grotesque, but by the 15-minute mark you will be reaching for the nearest object that can be forced into your brain through your eye socket. The one exception to this is if you are Metis.
The Bottom Line: Thomas Paine once wrote of the American Revolution, "these are the times that try men's souls". In the rearview mirror of history his words seem quaint. Through heartache and strife, Thomas Paine was never subjected to the shameful crucible of psychic horror that is SWAP-dot-A-V-I. May Odin have mercy on our souls, for this file will not.
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Each category in the rating system is based out of a possible -10 score (-10 being the worst). The overall score is based out of a possible -50 score (-50 being the worst).
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