America, welcome to my home page! Now you can experience all of my exciting adventures on and off the field whenever you want!  I've had to go up against some pretty heavy odds in life, but I've always come through.  I credit my success to a clean lifestyle and my undying faith in Democracy!  Let my stories be an example of what you can do with nothing more than good old American determination and a lot of heart!  IT'S GUT-CHECK TIME! HUT HUT HUT!


#86/68 in
The Flame of Youth


Inside the Oval Office, the epicenter of freedom in the known world...

Mr. President, you wanted to see me?

You're darn right I did! I want you to meet my new teen sidekick, The Inaugural Kid!

Teen sidekick!?

Sure am! I'm democratizing up a storm with the President!

He's quite a handful as you can see! Me and the Inaugural Kid are going to be a crime fighting duo when we aren't running the country. We're gonna take back America's streets once and for all! But first me and the Kid are gonna go for a balloon ride! Just thought I'd let you know in case you need me, #86/68!

What about us, sir? Aren't we a crime fighting duo?

With playoff season coming up, you had better focus on the bigger picture of winning the Super Bowl! Leave the adventuring to me and my sidekick. Besides, don't you have an evil doppelganger to take care of?

Well, funny story about that, sir!

I love funny stories, but it will have to wait until later!

Don't worry, Mr. #86/68, we'll keep the world safe. You just concentrate on scoring in your game!

HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HIKE! Now listen here, young man, the world--

It's okay, #86/68. He's well qualified. You better get back to practice! Me and the Kid have a balloon ride to go on!

Moments later The President and the Inaugural Kid are enjoying a balloon ride!

This sure is fun, Mr. President! It sure is, Kid!

Watching from the White House lawn...

Oh no! Now that the President has The Inaugural Kid, what's to become of me?


On board a stolen freighter somewhere in the Pacific!

You thugs are about to learn the true nature of "The War on Drugs!"

The Inaugural Kid is ready to deliver the straight dope to these drug dealing terrorists!

You think you can smuggle drugs into the United States of America? Well think again!

The drug smugglers aren't going down without a fight!

Ja? You gringos think you can stop us? Just try it!

The Presidential Duo are fighting the drug dealers!

Thunk! Kaplow! Biff! Swooooop!

We're unstoppable! These creeps don't stand a chance! I feel so powerful!

Don't get too cocky, kid! Here comes some more of them!

The heroes don't back down from any challenge!

Plunk! Swam! Ka-Lee! Pow-Iacocca!

Woohoo! We're the strongest and the best!

Sure, Kid, sure! We saved a lot of lives today by stopping these drugs.

Some people just can't handle drugs. Not like you or me. We can handle anything!

You've got a can-do attitude, but caution is a virtue one cannot live without, my faithful ward! Now to alert the authorities to come clean up all these drugs. We can't let them fall into the wrong hands.

The President is right! Those crates full of drugs need to be disposed of properly!

But perhaps The Inaugural Kid has his other ideas?


What's this? Is #86/68 spying on our two heroes?

Oh no, Kid!




The next day the President patently waits for The Inaugural Kid to report for duty in the Oval Office!

Kid, where have you been? You were supposed to be here hours ago!

Jesus Christ! Relax, old man! I overslept, okay?

If you ever blasphemy in the Oval Office again, I will you have your hide! Now let's get to work! We've got to thwart some narcoterrorists smuggling cocaine into America and then go out for ice cream with William F. Buckley!

Sounds like my kind of mission. Let's just say I have a sweet tooth.

Hours later the Presidential Powerhouse is cracking skulls in a rundown warehouse!

Let's play this one by the book! We don't want to take any chances with these creeps!

This isn't a library, Mr. President! This is a beatdown! I feel like I could beat up a thousand drug dealers and then a thousand more!

Bam! Whack-smear! Thud! Bang-Wilhelm-Stock-Sound-Effect!

That's the spirit kid, but don't burn yourself out!

Me? I'm unstoppable! Let's smash these fiends!

It's the Kid and the President! Let's get out of here!

They're retreating! Wait a minute, there's their leader!

It's Roger Troutman! And he's incredibly tall from taking PCP!

I'll put the zapp on you meddling buffoons! You can't stop these drugs from hittin' the streets!

I'll take Troutman, Kid! You go stop his thugs before they escape onto the streets! We'll meet at the ice cream parlor in one hour!

You got it, Mr. President! I'll see how high they can get on concrete!

With The Inaugural Kid chasing after the drug dealers, the President sizes up the kingpin!

It's on, Troutman!

It's on fire is what it is! I'm gonna burn you down!

The President is fighting Roger Troutman!

Zapp! Thunk! Plunk! Wham-pow!

The Leader of the Free World easily claims victory over the fallen musician-turned-drug dealer.

Now to meet up with the Kid for some ice cream!

One hour later, at the ice cream parlor.

Is something wrong? You've hardly touched your cone, Mr. President.

Where on earth is the Inaugural Kid? I'm getting worried!

That's the youth for you, always ablaze with curiosity and excitement.


In the brutal streets of Washington, D.C. the Inaugural Kid dishes out a different kind of justice!

All right you pieces of crap, prepare for justice! There's a new kid in town!

The gangs are looking for a fight!

Bring it, punk! We'll mess you up!

It's a brawl for the record books as The Inaugural Kid wages a war on the streets against the forces of crime!

Thwack! Slam! Thunk! Kerblammo!

Oh no! One of the gang members has a legally licensed firearm!

I'm going to shoot you! Bang!

The kid takes a hit!

Ouch! How did things ever get this far?

What's this? A real hero arrives on the scene!

Kid! Kid are you okay! What have you gotten yourself into?

-#86/68 is fighting the shooter!

Splat-thoom! Ker-crack!

Heh... I should have known you'd show up. You always were the real deal.


I guess you can't stop death. 110% doesn't work against nothing.

Oh, Kid, how could you? How could you get yourself into this mess?

"You wouldn't understand. It comes so easy for you. You just go out there and do it. For me it was harder, and the temptations were stronger. Once I had a taste I couldn't stop. The drugs had a hold on me. They were as much a part of me as I was of them."

Oh, Kid, anyone can stop! you just have to put the HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT BREAKS ON! Tackle your addiction into the ground!

"It was different though. It was a new world far beyond this one. I could hear a voice calling out from beyond reality's thin veil and I wanted to answer it. I wanted to take the hand of that ultrasonic voice and feel its vibrations!"

#86/68 is quick to apply reason to the situation!

I hear a voice just like that. Her name is Democracy and she's the sweetest lady I've ever met. All day long she sings me songs about HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT APPLE PIE AND BASEBALL! FOOTBALL!! I MEANT FOOTBALL! HUT HUT hut huh...

I guess it was sort of like how you tasted success and couldn't get enough. I can already feel the end. You shouldn't cry for me. I see now how foolish I was. How I couldn't even give 100%.

C'mon kid, don't be silly! You've still got life in you, so you've still got fight in you! It's not too late to shape up and hop aboard that wonderful train that rides upon the straight and narrow! HUT HUT HUT HUT AND JESUS IS THE CONDUCTOR! ALL ABOARD HIKE!

It is not for me... you wouldn't understand. Don't cry for me, don't feel sorry for me. I can see the best has yet to come for me. I'll be at peace... so peaceful...

No! Kid! Come back! Come back!

Later a demoralized #86/68 arrives at the ice cream parlor.

Mr. President, Mr. Buckley, I'm afraid I have some bad news.

What is it?

The Inaugural Kid is dead. I tried to save him, but I was too late.

How? But how did he die!?

#86/68 is in a tough spot, seeing how important The Inaugural Kid was to the President and knowing how much the Kid let the President down!

He... He died saving my life. I was in trouble and he came to my aid, like a true blue American hero.

That sounds just like him. He was like that. He was a true blue American hero! *sniff*

If you're not going to finish that ice cream cone, Mr. President, I would be happy to take it off your hands.


Somewhere peaceful, blanketed by a gentle rain storm and an American flag.

We gather here today to bid farewell to The Inaugural Kid. He was like the flame of youth, burning so bright, yet extinguished so soon...

"I just don't know if I can do it anymore, #86/68. Looking at that coffin and knowing I put the nail in it..."

Don't beat yourself up too hard, Mr. President.

But it's my fault, #86/68. It's all my fault!

He was a good soldier in a greater war. He knew the risks involved. HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HIKE!!

Excuse me?

Sorry, father. Lost myself there!

He knew, #86/68, but did he understand?

Do any of us understand? HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HIKE! Life isn't fair, but democracy is. All we can do is strive to bring democracy to life.

I hope it's all worth it. I hope it's all worth it in the end.

Ashes to ash, dust to dust...



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