HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT!
America, welcome to my home page! Now you can
experience all of my exciting adventures on and off the
field whenever you want! I've had to go up against
some pretty heavy odds in life, but I've always come
through. I credit my success to a clean lifestyle
and my undying faith in Democracy! Let my stories be
an example of what you can do with nothing more than good
old American determination and a lot of heart! IT'S
GUT-CHECK TIME! HUT HUT HUT!
The Flame of Youth
Inside the Oval Office, the epicenter of freedom
in the known world...
Mr. President, you wanted to see me?
You're darn right I did! I want you to meet
my new teen sidekick, The Inaugural Kid!
Sure am! I'm democratizing up a storm with the
He's quite a handful as you can see! Me and
the Inaugural Kid are going to be a crime fighting
duo when we aren't running the country. We're
gonna take back America's streets once and for
all! But first me and the Kid are gonna go for
a balloon ride! Just thought I'd let you know
in case you need me, #86/68!
What about us, sir? Aren't we a crime fighting
With playoff season coming up, you had better
focus on the bigger picture of winning the Super
Bowl! Leave the adventuring to me and my sidekick.
Besides, don't you have an evil doppelganger
to take care of?
Well, funny story about that, sir!
I love funny stories, but it will have to wait
Don't worry, Mr. #86/68, we'll keep the world
safe. You just concentrate on scoring in your
HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HIKE! Now listen here,
young man, the world--
It's okay, #86/68. He's well qualified. You
better get back to practice! Me and the Kid
have a balloon ride to go on!
Moments later The President and the Inaugural
Kid are enjoying a balloon ride!
This sure is fun, Mr. President! It sure is,
Watching from the White House lawn...
Oh no! Now that the President has The Inaugural
Kid, what's to become of me?
On board a stolen freighter somewhere
in the Pacific!
You thugs are about to learn the true nature
of "The War on Drugs!"
The Inaugural Kid is ready to
deliver the straight dope to these drug dealing
You think you can smuggle drugs into the United
States of America? Well think again!
The drug smugglers aren't going
down without a fight!
Ja? You gringos think you can stop us? Just
The Presidential Duo are fighting
the drug dealers!
Thunk! Kaplow! Biff! Swooooop!
We're unstoppable! These creeps don't stand
a chance! I feel so powerful!
Don't get too cocky, kid! Here comes some more
The heroes don't back down from
Plunk! Swam! Ka-Lee! Pow-Iacocca!
Woohoo! We're the strongest and the best!
Sure, Kid, sure! We saved a lot of lives today
by stopping these drugs.
Some people just can't handle drugs. Not like
you or me. We can handle anything!
You've got a can-do attitude, but caution is
a virtue one cannot live without, my faithful
ward! Now to alert the authorities to come clean
up all these drugs. We can't let them fall into
the wrong hands.
The President is right! Those
crates full of drugs need to be disposed of
But perhaps The Inaugural Kid
has his other ideas?
What's this? Is #86/68 spying
on our two heroes?
Oh no, Kid!
GET OFF MY DESK!
The next day the President patently
waits for The Inaugural Kid to report for duty
in the Oval Office!
Kid, where have you been? You were supposed
to be here hours ago!
Jesus Christ! Relax, old man! I overslept, okay?
If you ever blasphemy in the Oval Office again,
I will you have your hide! Now let's get to
work! We've got to thwart some narcoterrorists
smuggling cocaine into America and then go out
for ice cream with William F. Buckley!
Sounds like my kind of mission. Let's just say
I have a sweet tooth.
Hours later the Presidential Powerhouse
is cracking skulls in a rundown warehouse!
Let's play this one by the book! We don't want
to take any chances with these creeps!
This isn't a library, Mr. President! This is
a beatdown! I feel like I could beat up a thousand
drug dealers and then a thousand more!
Bam! Whack-smear! Thud! Bang-Wilhelm-Stock-Sound-Effect!
That's the spirit kid, but don't burn yourself
Me? I'm unstoppable! Let's smash these fiends!
It's the Kid and the President! Let's get out
They're retreating! Wait a minute, there's their
It's Roger Troutman! And he's
incredibly tall from taking PCP!
I'll put the zapp on you meddling buffoons!
You can't stop these drugs from hittin' the
I'll take Troutman, Kid! You go stop his thugs
before they escape onto the streets! We'll meet
at the ice cream parlor in one hour!
You got it, Mr. President! I'll see how high
they can get on concrete!
With The Inaugural Kid chasing
after the drug dealers, the President sizes
up the kingpin!
It's on, Troutman!
It's on fire is what it is! I'm gonna burn you
The President is fighting Roger
Zapp! Thunk! Plunk! Wham-pow!
The Leader of the Free World easily
claims victory over the fallen musician-turned-drug
Now to meet up with the Kid for some ice cream!
One hour later, at the ice cream
Is something wrong? You've hardly touched your
cone, Mr. President.
Where on earth is the Inaugural Kid? I'm getting
That's the youth for you, always ablaze with
curiosity and excitement.
In the brutal streets of Washington,
D.C. the Inaugural Kid dishes out a different
kind of justice!
All right you pieces of crap, prepare for justice!
There's a new kid in town!
The gangs are looking for a fight!
Bring it, punk! We'll mess you up!
It's a brawl for the record books as The Inaugural
Kid wages a war on the streets against the forces
Thwack! Slam! Thunk! Kerblammo!
Oh no! One of the gang members
has a legally licensed firearm!
I'm going to shoot you! Bang!
The kid takes a hit!
Ouch! How did things ever get this far?
What's this? A real hero arrives
on the scene!
Kid! Kid are you okay! What have you gotten
-#86/68 is fighting the shooter!
Heh... I should have known you'd show up. You
always were the real deal.
We've gotta get you to a hospital! HUT HUT HUT
HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT
HUT HUT HUT HUT HELP!
I guess you can't stop death. 110% doesn't work
Oh, Kid, how could you? How could you get yourself
into this mess?
understand. It comes so easy for you. You just
go out there and do it. For me it was harder,
and the temptations were stronger. Once I had
a taste I couldn't stop. The drugs had a hold
on me. They were as much a part of me as I was
Oh, Kid, anyone can stop! you just have to put
the HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT BREAKS
ON! Tackle your addiction into the ground!
"It was different though.
It was a new world far beyond this one. I could
hear a voice calling out from beyond reality's
thin veil and I wanted to answer it. I wanted
to take the hand of that ultrasonic voice and
feel its vibrations!"
#86/68 is quick to apply reason
to the situation!
I hear a voice just like that. Her name is Democracy
and she's the sweetest lady I've ever met. All
day long she sings me songs about HUT HUT HUT
HUT HUT APPLE PIE AND BASEBALL! FOOTBALL!! I
MEANT FOOTBALL! HUT HUT hut huh...
I guess it was sort of like how
you tasted success and couldn't get enough.
I can already feel the end. You shouldn't cry
for me. I see now how foolish I was. How I couldn't
even give 100%.
C'mon kid, don't be silly! You've still got
life in you, so you've still got fight in you!
It's not too late to shape up and hop aboard
that wonderful train that rides upon the straight
and narrow! HUT HUT HUT HUT AND JESUS IS THE
CONDUCTOR! ALL ABOARD HIKE!
It is not for me... you wouldn't understand.
Don't cry for me, don't feel sorry for me. I
can see the best has yet to come for me. I'll
be at peace... so peaceful...
No! Kid! Come back! Come back!
Later a demoralized #86/68 arrives
at the ice cream parlor.
Mr. President, Mr. Buckley, I'm afraid I have
some bad news.
What is it?
The Inaugural Kid is dead. I tried to save him,
but I was too late.
How? But how did he die!?
#86/68 is in a tough spot, seeing
how important The Inaugural Kid was to the President
and knowing how much the Kid let the President
He... He died saving my life. I was in trouble
and he came to my aid, like a true blue American
That sounds just like him. He was like that.
He was a true blue American hero! *sniff*
If you're not going to finish that ice cream
cone, Mr. President, I would be happy to take
it off your hands.
Somewhere peaceful, blanketed
by a gentle rain storm and an American flag.
We gather here today to bid farewell to The
Inaugural Kid. He was like the flame of youth,
burning so bright, yet extinguished so soon...
"I just don't know if I can
do it anymore, #86/68. Looking at that coffin
and knowing I put the nail in it..."
Don't beat yourself up too hard, Mr. President.
But it's my fault, #86/68. It's all my fault!
He was a good soldier in a greater war. He knew
the risks involved. HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT
HUT HUT HUT HIKE!!
Sorry, father. Lost myself there!
He knew, #86/68, but did he understand?
Do any of us understand? HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT
HUT HIKE! Life isn't fair, but democracy is.
All we can do is strive to bring democracy to
I hope it's all worth it. I hope it's all worth
it in the end.
Ashes to ash, dust to dust...