"When
I was at church that one day, I wasn't drunk. My
fucking eyesite was all screwed up because I was
painting my toolshed the night before, and I couldn't
tell that I was wearing that blue tuxedo I bought
20 years ago. I was cursing at the Priest because
I thought he was the jackass that stole my broom
a few days ago. I still kind of think he is, just
because you work for the church doesn't mean you're
some kind of saint for God's sake."
"The
store owner said I stole the beer, but I came in
there with it. You can ask that broad outside that
was using the phone. She must've fucking saw me
while she was calling her drug dealer on the phone
to hook her up with more crack. The guy that owns
the store had a grudge against me ever since that
time I called the cops on him for playing his shit
music really loud. He listens to that rap shit.
What a fuck."
"The
only reason I was drinking all night on Thanksgiving
was because my foot was killing me. The arthritis
was flaring up like nobody's business, so I started
popping painkillers like Tic-Tacs. Anyway, that
shit wasn't helping, so I pulled out the flask of
Jack and drank it all. Then I hear some noise outside,
I thought it was the garbagemen knocking over my
cans again, so I run out and fall down the fucking
porch because I had forgotten to zip my fly and
my goddamn pants fell down and tripped me. Then
I start throwing up all over the porch like a fucking
fountain. I still haven't washed those clothes yet."
"I
was going to see a movie one day, some show with
that one fucker from the movie about the monkeys,
and there was some queer in line dressed like a
goddamn woman! I started laughing my ass off, so
the dipshit turns around and asks me what I'm laughing
at so I says, 'Your pretty hair, Esmerelda' and
his boyfriend pushes me down. I got up and kicked
that asshole's knee so hard it just snapped and
I scream 'YOU WANT TO MESS WITH A VETERAN, BUDDY?'
and I just go off on the jerk until they kick me
out. I started drinking AFTER that."
"My
cable went out that one night a few weeks ago, and
I couldn't watch 'Silk Stockings', so I had nothing
better to do but throw down some Scotch. One of
those idiot kids from next door starts banging on
my door and I answer it and think he's a burglar
so I push him off my porch into the shrubs. He runs
away and then his dad comes over, all pissed off
and shit. I don't really care so I tells him he
can go back to his house and hump that pile of meatloaf
he calls his wife. This pisses the asshole off even
more, so I push him off the porch into the shrubs.
He landed right where his braindead kid did to,
it was fucking hilarious. What a family of retards."
