TRUE STORIES INVOLVING CLIFF YABLONSKI:

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"One day Cliff walked into my apartment, hit me with one of my own frying pans, and stepped on my poodle, saying "Here's what you get for having a fag dog, fag". I asked for his autograph, and he gave to me in urine. He peed on my carpet, but only had enough urine to write "CLI". However, the letters were four feet tall. As I pulled my fractured skull off the floor and looked for something to stop the bleeding and somewhere to bury my poodle, I thought to myself, "Man, that Cliff. He's like Santa, only instead of presents he leaves blood and urine and bits of brain." Thanks Cliff!"

- Randy Wooten (1-26-00)

"A few days ago, I was in a shabby-looking 7-11, and as I was heading toward the fountain drink dispenser, Cliff himself walked out of the aisle left of me and I accidentally bumped into him! I felt so fortunate to actually meet him, but before I could even say a word, he elbowed me in the nose and said, 'What in Christ's name are you doing, ya fucking fag?!' Even though spots were beginning to appear in front of my eyes, I managed to catch one more lucky glimpse of Mr. Yablonski before he kneed me in the groin. When I came to, my shirt and most of my money was gone, but he left me enough money for a fountain drink!! Thanks, Cliff! You're the man!!"

- Precious Roy (1-24-00)

"I was working at the hardware store in the cinder block & extension cord section when Cliff Yablonski came in complaining about how he had to repair his septic tank cause "The neighbors dog fucking dug it up." or something. I asked him if he needed any cinder blocks or extension cord for the job and he just gave me this strange look and walked away cursing. Then, an hour later, he came back and knocked me unconcious with a heavy, blunt object during my lunch break. When I came to my supervisor said that 2 cinderblocks, 16 extension cords, and 1 heavy, blunt object had been stolen. Strangely, the money in the cash register was still there. I haven't seen Cliff Yablonski since (except for when he came back the next day for the money in the cash register)."

- Jed (1-24-00)

" I was relaxing in the Arizona desert when I saw a nuclear explosion, but that comes in later. Anyways, right after that I saw the most awe-inspiring and errily beautiful sight ever... Cliff yablonski beat the crap out of some kid for cutting him off in traffic a couple of hours ago. The thing that got him pissed off the most, was the fact that this punk stole a car that CLIFF was going to steal. No honor in theives, i tell ya. Well, anyways just then a big-ass green guy shows up. Since he was green, I was thinkin' he might be Cliff's super-Irish whiskey finder, but then I saw it grunting and snrling at Cliff. Needless to say, Cliff got PISSED! Cliff whipped-out his holy grail out of the glove compartment, the very first bottle of Jack Daniels made EVER! After chugging a little of that, he grew about 30 feet tall, and sweating the best alcoholic substance I ever tasted. Then he punched a hole through that green asshole, and tossed that punk from before all the way to the Ocean. I'm not sure which one it was though. When Cliff started giving ME that murderous look, I tossed him a Jack Daniels, and I never saw him again."

- Solidus (1-22-00)

"So there I was sitting in a cyber cafe, chatting about politics, when suddenly in walks none other than Cliff Yablonski!!! He immediatly went up to the counter and demanded that the bartender come over. He asked, "Gimmie a cup of coffee bitch." She responded, "would you like a late' or a cappacino?" "read my fucking lips ya dippy broad", he eloquently responded, "I cup of black coffee. That crap is for fags." She quickly got what he asked for, on the way out Cliff slapped me over the back of the head, knocking me into the monitor. Before I blacked out, I believe I heard him saying, "Why don't you get a job you hippy bastard." It was only after I recovered that I realized how truly blessed I was."

- P. Barker (1-22-00)

"I was going through a tough time in my life. I was fat, I lost my job because the boss thought I was too fat for the job, my car purchased through credit card fraud from the internet was repossessed, my seven year relationship with my fiance had ended because she thought I was too fat and finally I could no longer watch the WWF because some chimpanzee escaped from the local zoo and broke off the antenna on the roof to scratch his arse. I found no reason to keep on living so I decided that I would end my life by a fatal gunshot wound. Having only one bullet left (3 is my lucky number so i wanted to die with 3 bullets loaded) I walked 3 k's to the local right-wing-anti-abortion-christian ammunition store. There was the legendary man Cliff Yablonkski himself serving at the counter! Hesistantly, he put down his copy of Playboy and asked, "What the fuck do you want fat boy?...An elephant gun to put down your wife?" I had never felt such a surge of anger going through my mind and body throughout my entire life! Remembering from the discovery channel that one testicle was sufficient for the human male tp produce sperm, I decided that I would kindly shoot him in the left testicle. After releasing the trigger, I had done more than removing the testicle off a man, I had discovered the meaning of life, "Making life miserable for Cliff Yablonski". I live today to tell you this story."

- Francis Mayo (1-22-00)

"I was walking on the streets when suddenly I saw Cliff Yablonski and Lowtax doing stuff I didn't really want to see. I ran up to them and told Lowtax that he should be gathering questions for the next PQ poll, but instead, he pointed something at me that didn't really look as if it came from this planet. Anyway, I hadn't noticed that Cliff Yablonski had walked behind me and struck me with a knife. When I was lying in the hospital, shaithis and Fargo came to apologize for Lowtax' bad behaviour, but I know, I'll never fill in the PQ poll ever again!"

- Cyberdude (8-3-99)

"I was on the corner of 5th and Harper one day when I saw Cliff Yablonski lurking in the shadowy recesses of a dirty back alley. 'Hey you little rat bastard,' he said, 'wanna buy a fuckin' bike?' Of course I would do anything for Cliff Yablonski, so I went into the alley to buy a bike from him. As soon as I was out of sight of the street, Cliff Yablonski kicked me in the balls and beat me into a coma with a key-with-a-bigass-wooden-block-tied-to-it. When I woke up four days later, Cliff had taken my wallet and shoes, and some hobo had just run away with my pants. Wow, Cliff Yablonski is my hero!"

- Joe Irby (8-3-99)

"I was working at the movie theater where I am employed, and I was just sitting in a chair in the lobby like I always do, when Cliff Yablonski walked up with a can of peach juice and told me the 'goddamned movie' was too loud, and I was a lazy fuck and should turn it down. I told him he couldn't bring the peach juice or any other outside food or drink into the theater and then my manager came and kicked him out. My manager then told me he opened a 'can of whoopass' on Cliff outside, becuase he looked like he was drunk."

- James Jones (8-2-99)

"I saw Cliff taking a leak outside my dorm and checking out the ladies as they walked by. He didn't even take time to shake before he drove off in some piece of crap Chrysler. I'll always remember his example."

- Norman Binger (8-2-99)

"I was skateboarding in the suburban area when Cliff Yablonski came storming down the sidewalk. I (being intrigued by his greatness) said, 'Dude, where ya headed?' He smacked me upside the head, and as I fell off my skateboard, he walked away and I heard him say 'None of your buisness you stupid shit faced lazy ass teenager fuck, get a job asshole.' Wow, what a great guy! I love him!"

- Akuma (8-1-99)

"I saw Cliff in the park the other day. He was feeding some ducks and I walked over to him and said, 'Hey Cliff, how's it goin?' He said, 'Shut the fuck up! You'll scare the ducks!' So I apologized and then he threw some duck food at me and ran off screaming, 'Goddamn little bastards dont know what the fuck they're doin!' Then all the ducks dropped dead and that's the last I saw of Cliff Yablonski."

- Chris Someoneyoudontknow (8-1-99)

"I was at a Bare Naked Ladies concert when I saw Cliff get up on stage and take over for the bass player. He really kicked ass. Then he got mad at everyone for looking at us and yelled 'Hey, fuck you guys, you guys suck' then he kicked my ass. I love Cliff Yablonski."

- Duncan (8-1-99)

"One day I was walking to the store to buy some alcohol when I saw Cliff Yablonski staggering around outside. I asked him what he was doing and he said 'I'm puking, what the hell does it look like you fucking retard'. He puked all over me that day, and I had the shirt that he upchucked all over framed. It has been hanging above my television set ever since!"

- Kerry Gillespie-Meise (8-1-99)

"I was talking to Cliff the other day - but he wasn't talking to me. I think it must have been his picture or something, because his face did not move one bit throughout the conversation."

- Jimbo (8-1-99)

"Once I was at the gas station, putting air in my tires, and Cliff Yablonski (the manager), came up and slapped me on the back of the head. He said, 'If you're not gonna buy gas, then fuck off, you piece of shit hoodlum!' So I got up to get in my car, and he jumped in and stole it. Ran over my foot, too. What a guy!"

- Blitzen (8-1-99)

"I met Cliff Yablonski at my local store. I had just picked up the last can of peach juice from the shelf when Cliff Yablonski came walking towards me rather briskly and shouted, 'Hey you fuck! I wanted that!'. I told him he couldn't have it, so he hit me very hard over the head with a big key attached to an even bigger piece of wood. He then grabbed the can and left the store while pointing at me and shouthing 'That ugly kid over there will pay for this.' So I did."

- Sigurd (7-31-99)

"One time I was in the bathroom of a McDonald's in Philly and Cliff walked up to me and said "You goddamn kid, get outta here and get a job!!". Then he slapped me in the back of my head. What a great guy!"

- Jason "Nacho" Champion (7-31-99)

"I was in the frozen food section of the grocery store, and someone yelled, 'Cliff Yablonski!! There he is!' I looked all around and said, 'What the fuck? He's not here!' A minute or two after saying that I got wacked in the back of the head with a bag of frozen peas. I don't remember much after that, about all I remember is someone saying, 'Right here jerkass' and when I came to all my money was gone and my car was missing from the parking lot."

- Species (7-31-99)

"I was throwing my trusty old boomerang at a couple of old ladies in the street, when suddenly Cliff Yablonski kidnapped all the old ladies. I yelled 'Hva i svarte satan er det du driver med din jævla faens sopekost!' As Cliff Yablonski doesn't understand Norwegian, he exclaimed 'What the fuck?!?' then shot my cat and left. I've never insulted a dove since."

- Tryggve Sollid (7-31-99)

"I remember once, I was at the gas station and I saw Cliff. He said 'Goddamn Teen! Little bastards like you are too young to drive a goddamn car!' I said 'Hey shut up moron! I wont pay for your stupid gas!' So I left he gas station without paying. That night, I returned at something like 2 AM. He was still there (A guy like him with no life can take very long shifts), but he was sleeping on the job. So I looted all those stupid Coke and winshield washer bottles and I pissed in the bucket with the little brush to wash the windows. Thats it. I think he lost his job because of that. Good for him!"

- Bodum Bill (7-31-99)

"I once saw Cliff exit a public restroom at a gas station. I said, "Hey Cliff, how's it going?" He replied, "How do you think it's going, I just shat a brick." He then got in my car and drove off. That moment will stay with me for the rest of my life."

- Andrew (7-31-99)

"Once I sold this car to Cliff Yablonski. It was this old piece of shit Crysler, and I ripped him off for like $9000 or some crap. That old fucker will buy anything if it can play a Frank Sinatra tape. Doesn't matter anyway...That bastard ran over my dog with it and now it doesn't run. I kicked him in the nuts when he tried to get his money back."

- GG (7-31-99)

"Well one day I was walking out of my house to go to subway. As I was walking along I saw Cliff drive by me and flip me off. I got to subway and sure enough Cliff was there. The cashier said 'here's your change.' Cliff's face turned red with rage and slapped the change out of her hand yelling 'I don't want any of your fucking change you lousy broad!' I stared at him for awhile he walked up to me, punched me in the stomach and left without a word."

- John Taylor (7-31-99)

"I was at the comic book store one day, playing Quake 2 on one of the computers there. Then I saw Cliff, buying the copy of the Playboy the owner kept under the counter. He looks over at my screen, and walks over. He slapped me over the head, and yelled 'What the fuck is this, you fuck head. You should be out earning a living, like me!' He then scratched himself, flipped through his magazine, and walked off, saying under his breath 'lazy piece of shit'."

- Ottergame the Otter (7-30-99)

"I was at this gas station once and guess what? I saw Cliff Yablonski. When I went up to talk to him inside the mini-mart, I asked him what he was doing at a gas station. He responded, "Buying gas and some dental floss, what else would I be doing at a gas station you ugly fuck?!" So, I learned that Cliff drives a Yugo and he has a penchant for waxed dental floss. He's the greatest."

- Knower (7-30-99)

"I once saw Cliff Yablonski stealing my car. I asked him what he was doing and he said, 'I'm stealing your car you idiot!', and then he drove off in my car. That's the last I saw of Cliff Yablonski."

- Bob "Jester" Nelson (7-30-99)

"After seeing 'Austin Powers 2', I was walking down the streek with my friends doing the worst Dr. Evil impression ever, then suddenly I passed by Cliff Yablonski and he says 'Who the fuck do you think you are? Fargo?' "

- Patrick Irish (7-29-99)

"I sold Cliff Yablonski a goddamned lawnmower once. He said "I want to buy a goddamned lawn mower." I didn't know that the lawnmowers we sold were goddamned until Cliff Yablonski bought one. He also said that he needed the goddamned lawnmower for his toolshed, which was strange, because I thought he had only put up the frame."

- Blackjack (7-29-99)

"I was running with scissors, and Cliff Yablonski saw me and yelled 'stop running with those scissors, you fucking young ruffian!'. I later heard heard him muttering someting about 'kids having no respect for the fire department these days.'"

- Eric Johnson (7-29-99)

"Once I saw Cliff Yablonski at the grocery store and said "hi" but he did not respond. I don't think he heard me. He was buying canned peaches. Cliff Yablonski never told me he likes canned peaches, so it might have been a clever ruse. But why would Cliff Yablonski try to trick me?!?"

- Lowtax (7-28-99)

Have any other true stories involving Cliff Yablonski? Submit them!

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