THE
OFFICIAL CLIFF YABLONSKI CHRISTMAS STORY
by
Cliff
Yablonski
Dictated by Lowtax
CLIFF:
"It was two days before Christmas, what, maybe
ten years ago or some shit like that. All I remembers
was that it was ungodly hot. Really steaming up
the place, making you sweat and piss like nobody's
business. I was chugging down beers like two, three
at a time. Sweating like a fucking hog too.
So
anyways, there I am on my porch, sitting on my lawnchair.
I'm just minding my own damn business, waiting for
the broad across the street to come out and do some
gardening so I can stare at that candy-apple ass
she's got. Her husband's some kind of prick though,
he's like a lawyer or some shit like that. The little
dickhead comes by the gas station one time and paid
for 10 bucks of gas with a freaking 100 dollar bill.
Like he's all important or something. I hate pricks
like him. Back during the Korean War, when I was
platooned at the 43rd Naval Fueling Station, I would've
shoved my combat boot so far up the jerk's ass he
would be tasting the dog shit I stepped on for weeks.
Where
was I? Oh yeah, it was real fucking hot. So there
I am, just sitting around and BAM, some Ford comes
crashing into my mailbox. I'm like "What the
FUCK?" and I get up and grab my bat to cave
in the punk's face. But the door opens, and it's
the hot broad from across the street! I reached
over to 'help' her out of the car (and maybe grab
a piece of ass) and she gives me this look like
"Cliff, you fucking stud, I want to jump your
74-year old bones right here, right now" so
I unzip my fly and let my shrived penis jump out.
Next thing I know, she's screaming and her weasly
little lawyer husband is running out of the house.
He comes at me, I kinda step out of the way, and
he trips over his own clumsy ass feet and falls
on his face! I start laughing so hard I shit myself,
the broad runs off into her house, and the Chinaman
down the street calls the cops on me. Funniest fucking
thing ever."
LOWTAX:
"What does this have to do with Christmas,
Cliff?"
CLIFF:
"Shut the fuck up."
THE
END, MERRY CHRISTMAS!
GO
BACK TO CLIFF'S SHRINE!
