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Leonard "J." Crabs

Leonard is your God nowWho is Leonard Crabs?

Leonard Crabs has been practicing law ever since he was 15 years old and saw a friend wreck his bicycle into a tree. He successfully sued the owner of the tree for "gross negligence" and was awarded the sum of $15 million which he immediately spent on Pez and Hustler magazines. Now Leonard is much older and has expanded his operation to sue tree owners in over three states. He also handles various other accidents, whether they involve a tree or not. Although he prefers the tree ones much more.

Leonard loves to fight the "big insurance companies" that want to "hold out" on paying you for an "injury" that was due to your "pure, unadulterated stupidity." If he can't get a court case against these companies, you can often find him outside their offices, screaming obscenities and challenging the president to a knife fight. This unique, no-holds-barred approach to legal defense has earned Leonard a place on the ATLA (Association of Trial Lawyers of America), although they are not currently aware of it.

What has Leonard done?

Leonard has helped hundreds (or 6) people reclaim millions (15.32) of dollars in lost income due to their own blatant idiocy. He has changed the life of a little girl in the hospital that had leukemia. He built the Suez Canal. He is responsible for creating the microchip. Leonard is known world wide for the great deeds he has accomplished and he is ready and willing to work for you! But don't take our word for it, let's listen to a few satisfied customers!


"I was in an awful accident. I was talking on my cellphone while eating a sandwich while changing the radio station while driving my sports-utility vehicle, and some guy came out of nowhere and drove in front of me. He quickly shifted into reverse and hit me dead on! I was so shaken up I accidentally dropped my sandwich on the floor! Leonard Crabs helped me recover 38 cents from Ford Motor Company because they failed to include a sandwich feeding machine in their vehicles. Leonard Crabs saved my marriage!"

-KW, San Jose




"When I fell out of that tree and landed on my testicles three years ago, the doctors said I couldn't have any kids. This made me so sad I climbed back up the tree to weep and fell out again. They told me I suffered a broken leg from that fall, which sent me into a dizzying depression that ended only when I stole a lawn tractor and drove it into the neighbor's drainage ditch. All the other lawyers claimed there was nobody I could sue, but Leonard Crabs told me otherwise! After suing the GOP for 'gross negligence', Leonard won me enough change to ride the bus home... TWICE!"

-WK, Saint Joe


Why choose Leonard?

You should choose Leonard Crabs to represent you because if you don't, the hideous space demons will undoubtedly kill you when you sleep. In addition to this, our legal system is large and complex, and few lawyers really understand how it works as well as Leonard Crabs. How confusing is this system? Well just check out this helpful diagram Leonard made at 2 AM which illustrates the various snares and pitfalls that represent our American legal system.

Leonard knows how to manipulate the system for his own personal gain. He does so on a frequent basis. When he was a kid, his mother used to shout "Leonard, stop manipulating the system for your own personal gain! It's a school night!" And hell, look at that diagram again!

We understand that your choice for legal representation can get a bit confusing with all the lawyers out there bidding for your business. But we honestly mean it when we say "Leonard Crabs is the only lawyer who drinks his own urine." This unique, no-holds-barred approach to legal defense has baffled more than one defense team in court, often ending up in a large cash settlement or at least a small recess until he's taken his medication.

We'd like to thank you for visiting our website. And please choose Leonard Crabs when searching for an attorney to represent you in court. He's not letting us go until you do. Thank you.

Contact Leonard "J." Crabs

The information contained on this site is not intended as legal advice, factual information, or information in general. Leonard Crabs is not a certified trial specialist although he does pretend to be one when he has been drinking. Please seek legal counseling before reading this site, and seek emotional counseling afterwards.

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