AT A GLANCE: I’m pretty sure the author of this map is confused about a wide variety of things. Whereas most mappers decide which game to make the map for before they actually begin designing it, FUBAR141 decided to go with the tried-and-true “throw in a bit of everything” approach. This map is a Counterstrike map with Team Deathmatch objectives, in a boring Jedi Outcast lightsaber duel layout, with annoying TFC-style gimmicks and Half-life vehicles. I’d make a similar analogy about the retina-searing use of colored lighting in this map, but sadly that’s pretty common with any FPS.

DESCRIPTION: Situation:
You are in a military testing area, for a big meatgrind of course. There are no objectives but to serve and protect your team and yourself.

Terrorists:
Use vehicle, rocks and your helipad to your advantage. Your helipad has 2 distinct features.

CT:
Use helicopter, corner building and air strike to your advantage. Your helipad has 1 distinct feature.

Team notes:
AA lasers can be activated via button at back of CT helipad.
The corner building and rocky areas are rigged with explosives, be careful!
The pillbox has 2 buttons, for airstrike and rock explosions.
Button to detonate explosives in corner building is under the stairs in the building.
There's a fast transport mechanism located on the Terrorists helipad, it will get you to the CT pad very quickly.
The button to detonate the corner building is located under the ramp.
WATCH FOR CAMPERS AND SNIPERS!

I can picture the people playing the map making fun of each other for this.

CT: Ha ha, you terrorists are so dumb that the text file had to tell you to use rocks to your advantage!
Terrorist: Oh yeah? Well, our helipad has TWO distinct features, and your helipad only has ONE!
CT: Really? Well, at least we can activate AA lasers via button at back of CT helipad!
Terrorist: That’s nothing. We have a fast transport mechanism that will get us to the CT pad very quickly!
CT: Damn!

Then again, anybody voluntarily playing this map is in no position to be making fun of anybody for anything, ever. And that includes me, so continuing with this article would make me a gigantic hypocrite. Oh well.

THE MAP: This map is perfect for people who have committed a mortal sin and believe their only shot at redemption is subjecting themselves to massive amounts of pain. The map consists of a huge wide-open field with a few buildings and some bizarre rock formations. One look at the walls reveals that the author has not mastered, or even heard of, texture scaling, since the texture is tiled approximately 27,000 times on the wall. But don’t worry! If you manage to run across a half-mile of open ground without getting shot, you’ll have a lot of kickass stuff to do.

-The airstrike. This will hereafter be referred to as the poof-poof-poof-poof-poof attack, since that is a more descriptive and accurate name. Airstrikes are usually made in order to destroy things and kill people, whereas this attack focuses on annoying the hell out of everyone playing. You remember those obnoxious little ‘flashbang’ grenades that people always end up blinding their own team with? This attack sets off random flashbangs in mid-air, all across the map, over and over, for a period of time that can only be described as “way too fucking long”. The whole time this is happening, objects that appear to be long green pieces of string fall from the sky, and you get to listen to the flashbang noise being played over and over and over. And hey, if you didn’t quite see the whole effect the first time, just hit the button again, since there’s absolutely no cooldown time and you can sit in the pillbox and hit the button over and over if you’re feeling sociopathic.

The aftermath of the devastating poof-poof-poof-poof-poof attack.

-The helicopt-…oops, I mean the “fast transport mechanism” on the terrorists’ helipad. Actually ‘helicopter’ is not a very good word for it, since it appears to be half of a car made out of legos with a giant drink coaster nailed to the roof. It functions exactly like those railcars you drive in Half-Life, only it hovers 30 feet off the ground. It’s also a lot more laid back than most railcars, and it doesn’t really mind if you drive it straight through solid rock. Hell, it doesn’t even slow down, it just marches right through the rock and crushes your frail little human body against the back wall. Tracking down Bin Laden would be so much easier if we could fly helicopters down into subterranean caves.

-The exploding rocks of doom. At first glance it seems like a simple enough trap – you hit the button and the rocks explode. But unlike the crappy explosives you might be used to, these high-tech explosives are capable of exploding more than once. It’s kind of like the explosive equivalent of those annoying birthday candles that light themselves back up after you blow them out. If you wanted to play a good joke, you could blow up the rocks, then tell your teammates “Hey, it’s safe to come out, I already detonated the explosives” and then blow them up after they emerge! Instant hilarity!

In addition, you have a metal APC that also possesses the ability to go right through rocks, a little building that you can get weapons from if you manage to make the 15-minute run to it, and a little tunnel with a bright orange flashing light. It’s as bad as it sounds.

GAMEPLAY: In my review of Swampdanger, I said that tramping through a mass of green shit to rescue a hostage trapped in a cooking pot was a stupid objective, but even that is better than “kill people until one side is dead, then get back up and do it again”. Not by much, but it’s better. And I can’t picture anybody using a gun other than the sniper rifles on this map, since it’s awfully hard to kill someone with a submachinegun across a field the size of Lake Michigan. So, basically one team will sit there sniping and saying “ha ha fag”, the other team will say “hey WTF u awp using fag” and both sides will sit there accusing each other of having homosexual tendencies until a group of Christian fundamentalists shows up with bibles and holy water to exorcise the demons of homosexuality from all the players. So, it’ll basically be a normal game of Counterstrike, only with more forehead-slapping and Jesus-praising.