AT A GLANCE: Much like the author of TheTestGrounds, Mr Quick does not seem to be entirely sure what game he created this map for. However, unlike TheTestGrounds, which was about the size and shape of Montana, Insane_Desert is the size and shape of Montana after an extraordinarily fat man sat on the edge and tilted the entire state up on its side. He also seems unfamiliar with terms like “draw distance” and “way too damn big”, two phrases that will appear quite often whenever you try to describe this map. It centers around an evil terrorist plot to capture hostages, bring them to the top of an unfathomably huge tower, bring them back down again (I guess they’re scared of heights or something) and wait for counter-terrorists to come after the hostages. The sheer evil brilliance of this scheme could only be matched by one of the sniveling bad guys in an Adam Sandler movie.

DESCRIPTION: By Mr Quick

cs_insane desert

Terrorist:
Prevent the CT to get in to the mountin.

Counter Terrorist:
Save the hostage

Outher notes:
The hostage is in the mountin, and the only way in is throu the tower.

(press fire to continue)

I believe this text file speaks for itself.

THE MAP: I happily began my imaginary battle against the evil acrophobic terrorists by walking outside the spawn room and taking a look at the ladder I had to climb up. It seemed a little strange that the top part just cut off suddenly, but I wouldn’t let that deter me! Nope, I jumped on the ladder and starting climbing up. That’s when I realized that the ladder and wall didn’t just suddenly cut off at the top. The part I was looking at wasn’t even near the top. The ladder and tower are so fucking huge that when you’re standing at the bottom, the Half-Life engine can’t even render half of it. I thought long and hard about why the author did not catch this while playtesting the map, and I wrote a twelve-page documentary complete with illustrations and diagrams, but I ended up editing it down to “he’s just stupid”. Anyway, I made my way to the top of the tower, even though I would have already been killed 20 times over if any actual opponents were playing. In an example of creativity and originality not seen since Rocky XVIII, Mr. Quick made it so you have to climb through an air vent to get to the hostages. This air vent leads to another tower that is exactly as big as the one you’re already on top of – but the end of it is covered, and in order to get in you must enter a security code to open the gate. At least that’s what I assumed at first. It turns out you open the gate by bumping into it.

An inside view of the previously documented "big giant huge-ass tower".

And at the bottom of that gigantic tower is the hostage room, a crude stone room with almost no light that the hostages are relaxing in. There are two exits from the room that you can try to escape from with the hostages. One is the massively tall ladder you just climbed down, and I doubt the hostages would be able to figure out how to climb it, since Counterstrike hostages have not yet mastered the fine art of “running across the ground without bumping into little invisible walls that aren’t there”. The door had a security system that prevented me from opening it, but I cleverly defeated it by pushing the big yellow button two feet to the right. After that I just had to run through two horribly-constructed hallways and I had rescued all the hostages! Sadly, I was playing it by myself (every person I suggested playing this map with responded by throwing a variety of patio furniture at my head) so the victory was hollow. But at least I could stop playing the map.

GAMEPLAY: Well, let’s see. The counter-terrorists will be able to climb up the ladder at the beginning, but only because they will be too far down to be rendered on the terrorists’ monitors. Once they come within the Half-Life engine’s maximum draw distance, it will take approximately 2.5 seconds for all of them to be wiped out. All the terrorists will have to do is point their guns down at the climbing CTs and fire. This should result in lots of headshots, since, you know, if your head is facing toward someone and they point their gun at your head and pull the trigger your head is where the bullet would go. And even the voice of common sense, which would be screaming “TAKE AN ALTERNATE ROUTE”, won’t help, because there are no alternate routes to take, and if you’re a CT the only thing you can do in this map is climb repeatedly to your quick and painful death. I’m guessing Mr. Quick’s entire family was killed by a SEAL team member and making this map was his method of revenge.