AT A GLANCE: If you have ever dreamed of playing TFC without encountering annoyances like map objectives or other players, then this is the map for you! Nuclear takes the most revered tenets of TFC map design – namely “the map should make some kind of sense” and “players should have some idea where they are and what they are supposed to be doing”, and throws them right out the window. The majority of your time on this map will be spent wandering around through an endless series of boring hallways and wondering whether or not you can stomp on your computer precisely enough to only destroy the sectors of your hard drive you saved this map to.
DESCRIPTION: NUCLEAR FALLOUT
Steal the missile key from enemy
base and use it to launch the nuke.
Then watch as the enemy base is
10 team points for launching the nuke.
5 personal points.
- There is only one nuke silo. Entrance
is behind the loading dock.
- You will need a teammate to activate
- Dropped key returns after 60
(c) 1999 by Private Beavis
Sounds like a cool premise, right? Well, even if it does, please don’t download and play this map. People who base their decisions solely on how cool something sounds are the reason movies like “The One” and “Hannibal” were able to make money. I think most people will agree that this is a bad thing.
THE MAP: It’s a doozy all right. You’ll spawn in one of two rooms in your base, which consists mostly of a network of pointless rooms and hallways that don’t lead anywhere. The enemy base, on the other hand, is a network of pointless rooms and hallways that don’t lead anywhere. If you manage to find the front door (or exit by dropping down a little hole into the sewage system) you can enter the bunker in the middle of the map. Surprisingly, one of the rooms in the center bunker actually has a purpose, since it is the room you must take the enemy’s missile key to.
Speaking of which, it should be a blast trying to accomplish the map objective. The first thing you have to do is navigate through the enemy base and grab their missile key, which is cleverly hidden in a secret location beneath a big sign that says “MISSILE KEY”. Simple enough. Then comes the hard part. You need to take the key through a very big, very stupid maze of corridors to get to the missile launch room. Then you need the help of a teammate to open the door to actually launch the missile. Since the odds are very low that more than one person with the average intelligence of an online gamer will ever be able to find this room, and since the average teammate on a public server is about as helpful and cooperative as a deaf Irish setter, I doubt you will be able to do this. If you manage to do it, I can only assume the enemy base gets destroyed with the flashiest and most impressive explosion effects the Half-Life engine has to offer. So either a bunch of pixellated explosion sprites will appear all over the place, or the screen will slowly fade to white.
"An excellent place to hide the missile key, captain! The red team will never think to look there!"
GAMEPLAY: I actually had the misfortune of playing this on a public server, long before Cranky Steve kidnapped me and forced me to review shitty maps under the threat of being slapped in the arm (I’m easy to intimidate). I gave up trying to play after a few minutes of pointless deathmatching, and I ended up spectating to try and figure out what the hell was going on. Several players were running around the map saying “wtf im lost”, a couple of people were saying “HELP ME LAUNCH NUKE U ASS” and a few others were gathered around the missile saying “launch the missile im gonna ride it LOLOL”. Needless to say, it was not a particularly pleasant experience.
FUN FACTOR: It’s as frustrating and pointless as trying to circus-train a cow with a head injury, but I suppose you could have fun by going into spectator mode and watching the players suffer if you’re the type of person who enjoys pulling wings off flies. It’s kind of like watching gladiators hack each other’s limbs off in ancient Rome, only it’s funnier because the people who play Nuclear are subjecting themselves to the pain voluntarily.
THE BOTTOM LINE: A highly recommended download for masochists. Games like Kabuki Warriors and Bruce Lee: Quest of the Dragon require you to pay to torture yourself; this map tortures you for free. This is simply the most cost-effective pain you can possibly get, and should not be passed up. Oh, and if any of you are all weird about pain and don’t like it, go back to downloading your wussy little maps with your “achievable map objectives” and your “intelligent map design”, we don’t want you here.
ratings go from 0 (bearable) to -10 (painfully terrible).
Total score goes from 0 (ok) to -50 (the worst piece of shit you'll ever play).